Why Anger and Resentment Can Equal Big Trouble for Your Relationship

Day in and day out you spend 10 hours a day at a job you hate; not to mention the 45-minute commute there and back home each day. You are overworked and under-appreciated. You have been passed over for numerous promotions and your boss has made an Olympic sport of busting your hump daily from the time you clock in until the time you clock out. After another not-so-fun filled 45 minutes battling I-285 and trying to avoid the inattentive cell phone users, folks changing clothes for happy hour, the multitude of accidents, the inexperienced chick acting out her own video for Brittany Spears latest single "Womanizer" in her rearview mirror, the dresser complete with broken mirror in the center lane and of course the stalled hoopty partially in the emergency lane and partially in the far left hand lane. WHEW, home sweet home at last. You take one step in the door when the irritating sound of your wife's voice asking you to do anything brings every horrible second of the last 12 hours of your life spilling forth and all over your stunned spouse and children.

Does this sound like a page from your life? How did it deteriorate to this point? Well, let's re-cap: you've managed to nab the catch of the century and happily consider yourself married to the perfect mate. You've wined, dined, laughed and talked. You've spent every second of everyday learning all that is worth knowing about another human being. Then over time you began to slowly piece together the truth behind the love hate relationship she has with her older sibling or maybe his unnatural dependency on, "Mommy Dearest's" approval. Perhaps you can even start to see the real reason that your otherwise dainty wife can drink you under the table any day of the week.

Like a jig saw puzzle the big picture becomes ever clearer with each added piece. You know your mate like the back of your hand. You know where all the bodies are buried and are privy to all things secret and confidential. So you think....

In essence, you have built an emotional arsenal worthy of Homeland Security's full and immediate attention. Coupled with the blueprint of each others emotional hot button's, you are well on your way to a lifetime of hurting the one you claim to love the most. Saying "no" when you really should have said, "of course honey." Being cold and detached with the one you pledged your life to before God and family. Being controlling or playing Jedi mind tricks with your Princess Leia or using sarcasm and manipulation to imprison your mate. No matter which ancient torture tactic you prefer the end result is often the same, painful and possibly irreparable damage to your relationship.

The use of passive-aggressive behavior to express anger and hostility through passive, indirect actions can be extremely hurtful. If your husband intentionally "forgets" to pick up a key ingredient for dinner on the way home, it can ruin more than dinner. He could have simply been open and honest and explained, "Babe, I've had a rough day, I really just need to come straight home." Over time a pattern of passive-aggressive behavior can destroy intimacy and happiness in a marriage. This behavior proves you to be both untrustworthy and undependable. It puts added stress on your partner because she must now do her share of the work in addition to yours .

Carrying negative baggage in your marriage is a dangerous practice. Resentment is toxic mixture of what could've, should've or would've happened if only our mates had behaved as we thought they should.Your relationship can become a minefield riddled with past hurts. Resentment is here, it's there; it's everywhere! Unresolved issues from the past can trigger even more poisonous behavior making it impossible to navigate day to day life without the help of MapQuest! Just like passive aggressive behavior, resentment can eat away at your relationship until all you have left is a broken shell of a once vibrant and passionate love.

Imagine the consummate multi-tasker. She is there in the background tired from dealing with the children all day, attempting to prepare dinner, trying to work from home and doing a little housework simultaneously. Let's us offer a moment of silence in honor of the multi-tasking Goddess. Now imagine your spouse playing an intense game of Madden 08'. She says, "Excuse me, I need to get by," and basically begs his pardon a million times as her work interrupts his game time and time again. Can you see the resentment welling up in her chest like a mighty fist prepared to strike him down? She feels more than justified in harboring her anger. Why can't he help her like a good husband should want to? Instead of asking for his help, again she softly says excuse me and continues her work while another molehill grows into a mighty mountain.

Humans are creatures of habit; this makes it easier to be lulled into a false sense of security. You shop at the same grocery store every week. Monday through Friday you rise at the same time, eat the same type of quick foods for breakfast; you see the same faces all day at work. When your routine includes lashing out at your mate you take it for granted that they will continue to accept your behavior and stay by your side.

One day you reach for your toothbrush and it's not there. Its in the same place everyday for the last, I don't know...FOREVER! Now it's gone. Taking your mate for granted is easy to do but difficult to bounce back from.

Today my mind traveled back to a conversation with an older married woman. This was a long time ago, before my husband and before our three children. Long before my days were filled with PTA meetings and play dates. Actually, I was still in college when I found myself in a conversation about being in love. We were talking about what I now affectionately remember as the "Honeymoon Phase." You know that wonderful period in the relationship when you feel this incredible urge, I mean a deep longing to be near this living, breathing specimen of perfection?

My mind even allowed me to travel back to when my husband and I were courting....if you will. I remember the aching I felt to be near him 24 hours a day. It was like an addiction that drove me from my bed at all hours of the day and night to simply hear his voice. His extreme work hours made it even easier because I could reach him whenever I needed him: 2am, 2pm, 5pm, 12am, it was indeed a wondrous time.

My mind looked back on this perfect man who cooked for me, had lunch in the park before his 12 hour work shift. We read poetry, we sent each other mental messages, and we loved each other in ways previously unimaginable to man. This obvious gift of perfection from God lived and breathed for me and me alone. Ahhh, she is indeed a lucky girl. He wouldn't allow me to do his laundry or be troubled with such menial tasks as housework. I spent my days planning where we would go next and my nights enjoying this gift God created only for me. Oh, yeah... humm, we were discussing that conversation. I digressed.

Anyway, this woman said to me that it is impossible for a couple to keep up the frantic pace of the new love "phase." The feverish adrenalin rush that people run on is impossible to keep up more than 3 months. She claimed at that point the reality of it all settles in a people really get to know the truth about each other. Could this be true I wondered?

The truth is that studies have shown that when people are first dating, their serotonin levels drop below normal and can drive people temporarily insane, crazy in love. The study shows the serotonin levels are so low they are in the same range as obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) patients.

According to the Web site, www.webmd.com, symptoms of OCD are "fear of thinking bad thoughts or doing something embarrassing, constant need for approval or the need to apologize, fear that something terrible will happen or fear of harming yourself or someone else." There's also a lot of time spent thinking of one's partner and expecting them to show their love in a certain way. Similarly, a person with OCD thinks about a certain thing and wants a certain result.

A major problem people face when they meet that special person is their dopamine levels increase, according to Psychology Today magazine. Dopamine levels also increase when a person is addicted to drugs, such as cocaine. So, if a person decides to end it after they see the fatal flaws in their partner they may enter depression, mimicking drug withdrawal.All I can remember thinking is certainly this woman had been driven insane by being separated from her true love or some other equally horrible chain of events.

Today, I wish I could call that woman and really talk with her. I think back on that man I fell in love with and I wonder what happened? How could we have drifted so far apart? How we have fallen from being inseparable mentally and physically to hurting each other just because we can? While no couple is immune you can try to hurt proof your marriage.

When you are afforded the luxury of truly knowing another human being, "like the back of your hand," take advantage if it. This hurt can be a small one time incident or a reoccurring event of epic proportion. Don't use your intimate knowledge of the inner workings of this person to hurt them and break their will but instead use it as an opportunity to help cement your love and your commitment to this person. Passive aggressive behavior, resentment, guilt, anger, manipulation and sabotage are self serving. Be open and honest; be willing to love and to be loved in return. True love doesn't come along often but when it does it is indeed a wondrous thing.