Why Bullying Can't Be Stopped, and How to Survive It!

I want to begin this article by once and for all debasing the long held myth that bullying can be stopped, and that bully personalities can be improved. They can not! This may sound harsh, but it is a fact and every good bullying website, book or other resource will say the exact same thing. In the movies the nerd gets bullied, then he does something great and the bully either ends up liking him or the nerd "gets him back" for the years of torment. It works great in story telling but in reality bullying is often an unstoppable downward spiral for the victim unless the victim takes themselves out of the bully's environment.

Don't see this fact as a bad thing, see it as a truth that must be lived with. Knowing and accepting that you can never reform a bully is the first step to learning how to survive them.
"So what is a bully?" A bully is basically a person who is so acutely aware of their own inadequacies that they project those inadequacies (social, emotional, personal, interpersonal, behavioral, professional) onto others through intimidation, manipulation, nit-picking or unrelenting criticism of someone, depending on the situation. Simply put the only way the bully can make themselves feel and look good is by making others feel and look bad.

"I know someone at work/school/etc who is like that, but they are hard on me because they want me to do well!" Another myth. Bullying is so easily disguised as "tough love" or "tough dynamic management style" in the workplace but at it's core it is simply bullying. A good teacher, friend or boss at work will nurture your talents and promote a healthy work environment. Whereas "tough dynamic management" always results in low morale, poor productivity, poor customer service, high sickness absence, high staff turnover and frequent grievance and even legal action.

If you have any apparent talent then it's even worse! There is nothing a bully hates more than someone who displays a talent for something, because when they compare themselves to you they hate what they see in themselves. Of course as we can now see, part of the root of bullying is a lack of self acceptance. Some people with low self esteem hurt themselves, but bullies hurt others.

"Why don't these victims just stand up for themselves?" Ok, fair point. Well, if you ever do muster up the courage to complain about a bully to a higher authority watch out! When brought before an authority (principal, manager etc) the bully is always the first to cry, a master of manipulation. The bully will say "Oh I had no idea!", "No one else complained about me!!", "I feel so bad!". They will use every trick in the bully book to once again make you out to be the "bad" one. And you just know that next time you see that bully he/she is gonna go ten times harder on you for "ratting on them"!

I could go on literally forever simply describing a bully but there are far too many people who have already done it (see related links).

"I'm a victim of bullying, what do I do?" Ok, so now that we know that a bully cannot be reasoned with, has no scruples, and will do anything it takes to make you out to be the one in the wrong when trying to stick up for yourself, let's see what CAN be done:

STEP 1: Acknowledging and accepting that a bully cannot be beaten is the perfect first step and can save you so much stress, pain, anxiety, time and even money (if it becomes a legal battle). So many people have held the belief that "they're only a person, surely I can reason with them", they try and try simply compounding their misery and still end up having to accept you can't win, after having endured much unnecessary pain. Accept now and save yourself in the present and future.

STEP 2: Know that anything said or done to you by a bully is simply an attack on themselves. Bullies have an incredible talent for knowing exactly what you don't like about yourself and bringing it to your and anyone present's attention. They are so good at it because they recognise those traits within themselves. It always hurts when those things are brought up, but remember that it is the bully's problem and not yours. Just get everything they say and, in your mind, turn it back at them and you will see exactly what they actually think of themselves!

STEP 3: After accepting step 1 and knowing step 2, when and if you meet someone who begins to display the traits of a bully you have a great opportunity to not allow them into your life, simply notice that they are a bully and make sure you have nothing further to do with them. If you are in a school or work situation and are stuck together with them then it can be very tough. Stick to your work, make a few friends if you can, stay out of the bully's attention and see how you go. But most importantly remember that if things do get too bad you can always change jobs/schools, never ever think that you are "stuck there forever".

STEP 4: When talking about bullying many people who have never been bullied ask "why not just stand up for yourself?". Well even to muster the courage to go against a bully is a mighty achievement, and once you do often you are opening a Pandoras Box of bullying. Not only will nothing change because the bully will have everyone so convinced that they are innocent and that you are just "weak", but you may also find yourself becoming known as a"dobber", "tattle tale" or a "rat". You will become a prime example to others of what happens when you go against the bully making friends/co-workers want to stay away from you in fear of being "tarred with the same brush".

STEP 5: This article paints a very bleak picture I know, I was also deeply disturbed when I began to thoroughly study this subject. But since enlightening myself I now have the tools to at best totally recognise and avoid bullies, or at worst minimise the damage. If you are a victim of bullying and it is tearing you to shreds check out the website http://www.bullyonline.org/. It's a great resource and covers school, workplace and pretty much any other bullying you could think of. Step 5 here is basically arm yourself with knowledge via whatever means possible!

STEP 6: If things get really bad, first get yourself out of there and into a better environment (different job, school etc), then if you want to you can seek some councelling. With councelling it is important to first remove yourself from the bully. There is simply no point seeing a councellor and then going straight back into the bully situation, any good work will be undone in an instant when you next come face to face with the bully.

And that's it. It's a tough issue, and I wish I could give a simple straight forward solution, but these 6 steps will definitely get you on the right track, and hopefully have you on the road to a happier, healthier existance away from bullies.

I personally have been the victim of bullying teachers, students, and various other bullies I unfortunately have had to come into contact with, and have even suffered a nervous breakdown at the hands of a particularly nasty one. Being the sensitive writer, producer and songwriter that I am, I present the perfect target. But through study of the subject of bullying I have learned to deal with bullies, and enjoy a happy and healthy life.

And so as not to end on too much of a down note let's have a look at some reasons to be glad you're not a bully! Believe it or not it's still actually better to be the victim than the bully in a "victim/bully" situation, and here are 3 reasons why:

1: Bullies never win any real battles. Real battles are won and lost on level playing fields fairly and squarely!

2: Bullies get nothing genuine from their "victories" because they have under-developed personalities, no empathy and are incapable of appreciating real success!

3: Bullies can't touch life and life can't touch them. They can't share anything of real value with anyone and are incurable psychopaths!

Good luck to you all, I know how tough it can be, hang in there :)

Rohan.

This article is part of Rohan's "Punk Psychology" series of self help articles.

"About Rohan": Rohan, born 1986, is a Prolific, Autonomous, Irish musician, artist, writer and thinker. To date Rohan has made five full length studio albums including his acclaimed 2007 "best-of" album "You Made Me Do This". Rohan also hosts "War On Television", his bi-weekly internet TV show!