Why Children Act Out: Contempt Vs. Tolerance

What is the difference between a child who raises money to help the victims of a disaster and the young people in Massachusetts who bullied a young Irish girl so fiercely that she took her own life? The difference is that some parents teach tolerance and compassion and other parents either do not bother to teach values but rather teach contempt and intolerance, be it by inattention or by example.

A prime example would be the woman in Shelbyville, Tennessee that adopted a 7 year old Russian boy and arbitrarily decided to throw him away six months later by sending him back to Russia by himself.

America has turned into a nation of disposable people to a certain degree and the word "me" has replaced the word "us" in many ways.

I have written two of three articles on the stigmas placed on foster children, the third held up in order to give officials in San Diego, California another chance to rectify the ongoing situation after receiving notice from them. The Russian boy that was adopted and then thrown away is yet another good example of how some parents in America harbor the same attitude of many foster parents to the point that they will willingly cause more damage to a child rather than to make a decent effort to help a child to overcome the trauma they may have suffered earlier in life.

If a child has been surrendered to an orphanage by a living parent who is incapable, for what ever reason, of taking care of that child, there is almost certainly emotional issues for the child. Abandonment would be certain, as would feelings of being a bad kid and being unworthy of love. A child that feels unwanted acts out, pushing those around them to see if anyone will stay or if everyone will desert and abandon them like everyone else did. That is a very normal reaction for a child. Now that this boy has been shipped back to Russia as if he were an inferior purchase, the emotional devastation has to be almost unbearable. I would not be surprised if the boy was totally broken. One thing for sure is that he will need intensive therapy for a long time to get over even the smallest portion of what he has been through.

Some have defended the woman who adopted the child and got rid of him six months later, stating that the child may have had something wrong with him. There is no excuse for treating a child in this manner. That is equivalent to blaming a small child for the circumstances afforded them by the adults that surround them. Many would say that she had no choice but the fact is that she only added another horrid act to a child that did not ask to be born in the first place.

I know first hand how absolutely devastating it is to feel unwanted and undeserving of care because I, too, was born to alcoholic parents. I ended up in foster homes in which I was rejected numerous times for not fitting into a cookie cutter mold of the perfect child. I, unlike many others, had the strength of mind to pull myself up and not allow my circumstances to get the best of me but most children are not equipped with the tools necessary to combat such a devastating environment. In my adult life, I jump to the aid of any child who needs help even if it means putting myself at risk of physical injury or even jail. No child deserves anything less from any of us.

My oldest daughter had severe behavioral problems while growing up, starting at the age of four. I never "threw her away" even though many adults would have walked away and several professionals commended me on never deserting my daughter. I did all I humanly could on her behalf until she turned 21. If she had been adopted or a foster child I would have done no less. There is no viable excuse for giving up on a child after six months.

If a person adopts a child...any child...that child deserves to be treated as if they were born to that family and the child does not deserve to feel as if they have no value at all as a human being.

When a child sees a parent abandon, or otherwise "throw away" an adopted sibling, as in the Tennessee case, the message being taught is one of intolerance. The two natural children in the Tennessee case could possibly have issues of fear concerning what they have witnessed. The example would be that they would wonder if their mother would send them away if they upset her. It is the roots of the same scenario of extreme bullying that has led to teen suicides in Massachusetts. The two children that saw their mother get rid of their adopted Russian brother may grow up angry over it. They may grow up thinking that since the adopted brother was from a foreign country he was less than worthy or he was different so he does not deserve kindness or understanding. If the children do grow up to be insensitive and intolerant it will be because they were taught to be that way by watching the way their mother handled things.

There are too many instances in America in which parents do not pay attention to what their children do. Computers, high tech cell phones and television have turned into babysitters or nannies and quality time within families has become more difficult to find. There is no good reason for America to be surprised or shocked when our youth cause a death, either inadvertently or intentionally.

Another good example of what not to teach our children would be the members of the so called Westboro Baptist Church, which is more than a severe cult that live in a group instead of a church. This group is made of mostly of one family who promote intolerance and hatred against gays, Jews, Muslims...anyone who is different than they are. They call themselves Christians but do not exhibit the love of their "God" that the Bible speaks of, instead they take on the mantle of judge to all others, removing the act of judgment from the God they claim to represent and bestowing it to themselves. In all their hateful acts, they make sure that all of their children are involved. The children are being taught how to be hateful and intolerant.

Teaching our children hate only guarantees them some form of grief as they grow. Either they will find a good deal of unhappiness because the rest of society is tolerant, they will become the outcast bullies who do not fit in, do not "play well with others" or they will end up hurting someone else, whether it be verbal, emotional or physical abuse.

There is nothing wrong with individualism to a certain point. The problem appears when the adults in a family do not teach their children how to fit in. Intolerance for others that are different is not acceptable for a good parent and should not be tolerated from any parent.