Why Children Are Overrated!

O.K. let me preface this by saying that I am a married man of some 18 years and neither myself (nor my wife come to that) have any children (that I know of) and as the years go by I am happier and happier to be without them. I neither hate nor love kids. They are just a fact of life. Some people have em', some don't.

I say overrated to get your attention. For those good and willing parents out there who do have children that are much loved and treasured, I applaud you. I think it is certainly the very essence of some people to have children and I know couples whose lives would just not be complete without them. But really, how many happy families do you see during your life. Not as many as there should be I'd guess. I witness more unhappiness than happiness when it comes to families. I think there is a preconception that having children is a necessity, either by race, religion or stereotypical indoctrination from your parents. Keeping the family name alive or leaving a legacy of some sort, which always makes me smile. I mean how many people need to be leaving a legacy. What's the legacy supposed to be, we're not all royalty.

Anyway, here is a light-hearted view of children, in all their um......glory!

Firstly the beauty or perhaps evil, painful, messy, drug-induced flesh stretching, excruciating pain of childbirth. Could there be a more violent introduction to the world for our little bundle of joy. After months kicking the crap out of the parent from the inside out the child enters the world (still kicking mind you), screaming and gasping for air. This alone is enough for my wife (who is not a big fan of pain and suffering) to not have a child. Hopefully one day we as a race will be able to have babies completely outside the human host in some futuristic nursery where egg and sperm can initiate the wonder of life and grow to happy foetushood and babyhood in the luxury and pain-free world of a plastic beaker, cup or container.

Unfortunately if you are unsatisfied with your child you cannot return him/her to the store for a rebate or replacement. This may differ from state to state but in New York, No! you are not allowed to take it back. If he/she is a little unpleasant upon the eye then you have no-one to blame but yourself your spouse and all your collective ancestors for being so ugly. Many women also suffer post-natal depression of course, I mean how messed up is that. It's not enough to go through months of discomfort, finally to deliver a screaming veiny bundle of joy amidst the pain and agony of childbirth but now nature has dictated that you be depressed and angry for a few months too.

Next, worrying about your child as it lies in its crib. Babies are famous for trying to give their parents heart attacks by feigning death. The parent will be lying peacefully in bed with the baby-monitor by their side listening to the steady breathing of their beloved child when the baby will for no apparent reason go silent, thus panicking the parent into numerous trips into the nursery only to see the maniacal gleeful smile of the evil child (Did I mention the child was evil. It's a given!) as it happily gurgles in its crib. They will also attempt heart-stopping acrobatic maneuvers within the crib, attempting to destroy it by jumping up and down repeatedly (usually accompanied by much wailing) as well as various suicide attempts by either climbing the not so unclimbable crib railings or laying face down in their pillows. Babies are notoriously stupid unfortunately and really don't know what's in their best interests. Most babies need a 24-Hour watch much like suicidal prisoners do as they await trial in prison.

Then there's the money. Damn, these things are expensive. I heard recently that it costs about $180,000 per child up to the first 18 years. Wow, there goes my mortgage. Even with State Support you're not going to be better off with a kid than without. How many times have you heard parents berating their children for wanting even menial things like sneakers. If you're not going to be in a position to give your kids a good life then perhaps you shouldn't have kids or at least hold off until you are in a position to give a child a good life with at least some financial stability.

Then we have the teenage years where for approximately 5-6 years your child will hate you and everything about you. They will detest the very ground you walk upon. They will be the Judas to your Jesus, the black to your white, the ebony to your ivory, the....well you get my drift. They will hate being seen with you, which will make taking them to school a most singular delight. They will hate the crappy music you listen to. They will insist that rap is music, that you are stupid, that they're boy/girl-friends are none of your concern, that 120 decibels is the only way to listen to heavy-metal, that they wish they'd never been born and that everything is your fault. And after a while you will start thinking that too.

If you are particularly unfortunate your children will at some point hatch a plan to have you killed in order to get your inheritance or they may just turn violent and beat the crap out of you on a daily basis, blaming it on your uncoolness. They may also tie you up and put you in the washing/dryer on spin-dry. It is at this point that you need to consider legal action.

Then there is the fact that you may find yourself stuck with the afore-mentioned child for much, much longer than you expected. Not all kids leave the nest at 21 you know. Some of them hang around for years and if you're particularly unlucky decades and by the time they do go you are older and more decrepit than 'George Burns' and he's been dead 20 years. It always annoyed me on the 'Crosby Show' how 'Mr. Huxtable' would tease his older kids about leaving the house. Although it's done in a light-hearted manner it still begs the question 'Why the hell did you have kids in the first place if you can't wait to get rid of them years later'.

Finally your kids have grown up and are off fending for themselves. If you have done a good job you continue a loving and nurturing relationship that is reciprocal in nature. If you are unlucky you will end up on a day-time talk-show discussing how it all went wrong. Good luck to all of you out there who are thinking of having kids and to all those who have decided not too I say do not feel like the odd man/woman out. There are plenty more of us out here who think just like you.