Why Dating Abuse is Everyone's Business

Imagine being choked, smacked, spit on, or even shot by the man you love. Thousands of young women go through this and more everyday. Many young women today seem to think this behavior is acceptable or they do nothing to stop it from happening. I can count on both my hands how many girls I know who are being abused by their boyfriends. It's always the same story. At first he was sweet, nice, loving, etc. but it always turns around quickly. Within a couple of weeks the pattern of abuse starts to emerge. Now he's telling her what she can wear, who she can see or talk to, and he picks fights with her.

A couple months down the road the relationship progresses from verbally arguing to physical altercations. All of my friends have told me of times their boyfriend pushed them, kicked them, or even spit on them. Even I have experienced some of this in my past relationships. Once a relationship turns to physical abuse, no matter how small the incident, it will get worse. First it begins with small stuff like pushing and slapping, then it quickly turns into kicking, punching, biting, pulling hair, and worse.

For 13 years I watched my mother get abused by my father. She was a young mother, married at 19, and two kids by age 21. From my earliest memories, maybe around age 3 or 4, I can recall my mother bleeding from her nose after suffering a punch to the face from my father. Another memory I recall quite clearly happened when I was about 7. My mother was pregnant and we were visiting my aunt who lived in an upstairs apartment. On the way up the my mother and father began arguing and a few seconds later my dad pushed her down the entire flight of stairs. I remember lots of other times like this. Now, that I'm grown I wonder why she put up with the abuse for so many years. It never made any sense until it happened to me and my friends.

I never experienced physical abuse like my mother did but I suffered many times from mental, emotional, verbal, and sexual abuse at the hands of past boyfriends. Abuse is abuse period, no matter what form it reveals itself to be. Girls my age, in their early 20's, really need to learn that this behavior is totally unacceptable. Yes, men have been abusing women since the begining of time but that's no excuse. It has to stop some time. It's not right for young women to be controlled by some jerk simply because they're scared. What's worse is that many of us ignore it. We all like to think it's not our problem even when it's happening right in front of us. Believe me, I felt helpless when my friends cried to me that their boyfriends were hurting them. I thought what am I going to do, how am I supposed to help her when what I should have been saying was how am I going to get help for her.

Granted, we're not all psychiatric professionals, and neither am I but you can help someone if they are being abused. Simply offering a place to stay, calling a hotline or the police, and in general just being a friend is enough. Be sympathetic and offer love, that's all you really can do. By offering resources for help you are in fact helping her. Without support it is extremely hard to get out of an abusive relationship. In a really bad relationship I had a couple of years ago, my boyfriend choked and slapped me and harrassed me by phone while I was at school and work. He used to tell me all women were worthless and when we had sex he would intentionally hurt me. But on top of all that I couldn't leave him. I was too scared that he would do something to hurt me or the people I love. I didn't leave him until something really bad happened.

I was in college at the time and went to a party on the weekend. Someone told him I was at a party without him and he was pissed. He came to the party, forced me to leave with him and shoved me into a public restroom located only a short distance away. We began arguing about a guy I was talking to when he showed up but the argument quickly escalated. He grabbed me by the neck and pushed me into a stall where he proceeded to try to rape me. I talked him out of it only by saying that I would have sex with him, but not in the bathroom. When he let me go I kicked him in the nuts and ran. When he called me to find out where I was I told him never to call me again or I was going to call the police. It was only then that I decided to leave him. I have to say I am one of the lucky ones because I made it out alive.

Hundreds of young women are killed by their boyfriends every year for no reason at all and we are all responsible. Parents need to pay more attention to their daughters relationships, friends need to start acting like friends and pay attention. An abusive man can put a woman in the hospital or the ground. Other times they will leave the woman disfigured, handicapped, or for dead. The hardest part of leaving is not leaving, it's not going back. Too many girls make the fatal mistake of going back to their abuser.

If you or someone you know is in trouble don't just ignore it. Get help; call the police, go to a school counselor, tell her parents, do anything. Any intervention can help save a life. As a society we allow domestic violence to be acceptable and that has got to stop. Most young women don't know how to help themselves and are often too scared to call the police themselves. Domestic abuse amoung young women in dating relationships is a huge problem that many people don't even know exists.

We have to teach our children to have healthy relationships and to recognize the dynamics of an abusive relationship. Mothers, we have to teach our daughters that it is not okay for a man to call you names, hit or kick you, or make you feel scared. Fathers, we have to teach our sons that it is not okay to hit, push, smack, choke, or in any other way abuse a woman. We all need a reality check, it's not losing another life.