Why Didn't He Call Me?

Maybe you're one of the lucky ones who hasn't had to go through this unpleasant scenario. By scenario I'm talking about you going on an amazing date, or even a succession of great dates with a guy who you think you have a deep connection with. Then boom! You never hear from him again. No good-bye note, no courtesy call, nothing. And all you have left is a memory with a slightly blurry recollection of what happened. For days you obsess and you wonder was it something you did, something you said? Did you wear the wrong outfit on your last date with him? You call over a group of your girlfriends, who also happen to double as your unofficial shrinks, and you sit down for a detailed analyzation session, where you all attempt to put together the pieces of the puzzle, retracing every action that was taken and word that was said on every single date, hoping to answer your simple question: why did he stop calling? And that often leads to another question: why didn't he tell me he wasn't going to call me anymore?

Every individual is different. This article isn't going to hit the nail on the head and tell you exactly why the last guy stopped calling you, that would be impossible. What it will do for you is open your mind to a series of options, one of which was probably his reason for discontinuing the calls, and it will also help you stop beating yourself over the head and push you to move on in your life.

Take a look at his personal history first. You may have gone on five dates with him and spent hours into the wee morning talking with him, but how much did you really know about him? Sure, he loves baseball and received his Bachelor's Degree, but those are only material aspects of his personality. Has he ever been in therapy? Is he on medication? Does he have a history of failed relationships? Of course those aren't questions you're going to ask someone on the first date, and you're not expected to know all that information right away, but on every date, a guy can usually drop a hint or two or about himself through a comment he makes or an action he displays. For instance, say the topic of exes comes up and he mentions how he beat up a guy that hit on his ex girlfriend when they were together, he may think he's impressing you with tales of his manly strength, but what he's really saying is that he's jealous, possessive and has an anger management problem.

A lot of people suffer from hormonal or chemical imbalances, extreme mood swings, a lot of people claim to be "bi-polar", and I have heard of situations where a guy drops off the face of the earth for a few weeks, then reappears and starts calling again, like nothing happened! His excuse being, "I had a rough couple of weeks and didn't want to put you through it." In my opinion, he should have at least given you a courtesy call or email, just to let you know that he wasn't going to be around for a while or that he would talk to you later on down the road. He's being insensitive with your emotions, and while it is important to put himself first, he should show some consideration. It also makes you wonder what exactly was going on during those "rough weeks" as he puts it. Was he seeing another girl? Was he back with his ex-girlfriend? We don't know, but it's always a possibility.

Another thing to look at is when was his last relationship? And how long was it? If a guy just got out of a four-year relationship two months ago, I don't care how "over it" he claims to be, you do not just snap out of a relationship like that. And if he admits to talking to her regularly or keeping in touch, be wary, and don't be surprised if he suddenly disappears, and down the road you find out they they miraculously got back together! Be very alert, as you may be the rebound girl, or one of several. This happened with me a while back. I met a responsible young fireman who had just gotten out of a long-relationship recently but he claimed to be completely done with it. Even though my intuition was telling me that was a red light, I chose not to listen to it. Thank god I didn't sleep with him though, then I would have really regretted it. Ten dates down the road, I stopped hearing from him, and found out he got back with the ex through a friend. Who was I kidding? It was a good learning experience though.

Did you sleep with him too soon? This isn't always the case, but often when a guy gets what he wants too soon or right away, he loses interest. Or he rules you out as "girlfriend material" and leaves you as his last minute booty call or hook-up buddy. I always recommend leaving a guy wanting more, because he's more likely to stick around if he really views you as something worth the time and effort. And if he gives up too easily, that's a sure sign he was in it for the wrong reasons.

Another factor to take into consideration: you're both single and casually dating. You may be seeing a few other guys, and as much as you don't want to think of it, chances are he's seeing or meeting other girls as well. Of course you'd like to think you're the only girl in his mind, but you have to realize, he's out there looking for the best fit for him and he's keeping his options open. So, if he does disappear from the earth after a few dates, chances are he met someone else who he feels is a better match for him, and while you may be bummed out initially, take note that these things happen for a reason, and it's better that they happen sooner than later, before you start investing more in the guy, emotionally and physically.

Was the chemistry really there or were you forcing it? Too often, people are more in love with the idea of being in love, and it often doesn't matter to who, as long as they have someone there. When you look back objectively you realize certain components were missing, and you may even find that certain aspects of his personality irritate you. At the time you were mesmerized by his deep blue eyes or charming good looks, but when you have some time away and get off that dreamcloud and back to reality, you realize that you didn't have as much in common than you thought, and that a relationship would have been ultimately disastrous. He probably realized that you two weren't quite the right match for each other, and as immature as he was to just stop calling you, he probably didn't want to deal with a confrontation or "hurt your feelings". He thought that it was better to "fade away" from your life then to just drop a bomb on you and tell you that he wasn't going to call you anymore.

Many girls tend to view it as rejection when a guy stops calling them. Or they think the guy found someone more attractive. Some girls are shocked to find that a guy who dropped them ended up dating a girl that was less attractive! Just because a guy doesn't want to date you anymore does not mean that he finds you repulsive, in fact, it's quite the opposite. He obviously found you attractive enough to go out with in the first place, but if you two didn't have anything in common or couldn't find enough to talk about, he obviously wanted more than just a pretty girl to have on his arm. So don't ever second-guess yourself or think that you weren't good enough or that someone "better" came along. Someone more "appropriately suited" could have come along, but you are not worth less than her.

Listen and trust your intuition. Intuition is almost always correct. When he last hugged you good-bye, did you get a weird feeling that you weren't going to hear from him again? Trust that voice inside your head, it's there for a reason. Don't automatically assume that you're being negative and pessismistic - you sense something, and most often, you're probably right.

So you've seen a few options as to why he may have stopped calling you. Now for methods on handling the situation. First off, it's okay to be bummed out, and if you need to mope around a little bit or talk to some friends who will make you feel better, go for it. But if you find that two weeks have passed and you're still not eating and don't want to leave the house, that's when you need to draw the line. Is this guy really worth the trouble? You don't want to settle for a guy who isn't that into you anyway, and obviously he wasn't that enamored with you because if he was, he would be making an effort to call you or get in touch with you. When a man wants something, he does his best to get it. Why do you think some guys call you for days on end and hassle you so much? Because they're really into you, and are doing their best to win you over. One day you will find the guy you really like who will put in the effort for you, so view the wait as being worth it.

Unless you did something terribly wrong to frighten or chase this suitor of yours away, quit blaming yourself. It was something in his life that made him decide to not call you anymore, whether it was that he decided to make things work with his last girlfriend, he met another girl who interested him, or he thought that you two weren't quite the right match for each other. You were being yourself, and that's obviously what attracted him to you initially when he asked you out. It wasn't enough to keep him, but you shouldn't have to alter your personality or being for someone else. You just keep on being yourself until the guy who accepts you for who you are comes around and sticks around.

I don't advise calling him or trying to get in touch. Delete his number from your phone to avoid the temptation of dialing him. The choice is ultimately yours, but if he's not calling you, there's a reason for that. The phone call may end up being awkward, or he may not even pick up or call you back. Of course he'll try to sound really busy and apologize for not calling because things have just been crazy, and he'll promise you a phone call later on down the line that probably won't come. And for goodness sake, do not drive by his house or his work or have your friends stalk him. It's not worth the time and trouble, and then what if you see him with another girl? Will you be satisfied? You don't want to appear crazy. And remember, the right guy will come after you, it should not be the other way around where you are doing all the pursuing and chasing.

Is there any way to foretell which guys are the ones who stop calling? Not really. Some of the nicest guys do it, and some of the baddest guys do it. My advice is to view the dating scene as a casual learning experience, in which you weed out the wrong ones, and sometimes you are weeded out by others as well. Don't get too emotionally invested, and realize that these guys are investing more in you than the other way around. After all, how many dinners did he take you out for? In the end, the $289.70 cumulative total for dinners gone out on was his loss, not yours.