Why Does Your Teen Rebel?

This quote describes a common situation between rebelling teens and their parents. The teen wants to go out, not do their chores, and have fun. The parents want their child to stay home, clean their room, and study for next week's history exam. Why does this occur on a day-to-day basis? Why can't we all just get along?

Lawrence Fuchs says that: "With the culture's strong bias against helping the adolescent come to his new identity as adult in terms of family background, he or she is forced into poignant, anguished and often narcissistic introspection." (25). The teen years are a confusing time for all of us and many families face problems including my own.

In a personal interview with my brother (a teen) and my mother (obviously a parent), some mutual issues come up.

Interview with Jason Tharp:

Me: "What kinds of things do you fight about with your parents?"

Jason: "Chores; playing the stereo; cleaning my room; and spending the night with friends."

Me: "Did you ever solve these problems with your parents?"

Jason: "I still fight about these problems."

Interview with Linda Tharp:

Me: "What kinds of things do you fight about with your teen children?"

Linda: "Cleaning their rooms; washing dishes; cleaning the house; feeding the pets; taking trash out; going places on weekends."

Me: "How do you solve these problems with your teens?"

Linda: "I usually make them do them anyway-except for the bedrooms, they stay messy. And 'no means no'. But sometimes I give in to you guys."

It sounds like my mother knows what the Bible says: "Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord" (Colossians 3:20) (askjeeves). But I don't think that she should feel that way in all areas. Neither does Dr. Michael Tobin, who gives tips for parents dealing with rebelling teens on his website and who advises: "If all else fails, don't say, 'Because I'm your mother (father).' It's better to walk away, count to ten and reassess." (askjeeves). But you've gotta hand it to my mom on the point that she gives in to us on some things (like our rooms). Dr. Tobin suggests that this type of parenting is perfectly o.k. "Pick and choose your battle," he says. "A messy room is the wrong fight. Learn to stand firm on issues that may be harmful to your child like drugs, alcohol, teen sex and cigarettes." (askjeeves).

And my brother's complaints of his parents are typical according to Lawrence Fuchs, who says (that for boys) "Rebellion is asserted by doing poorly in school, talking back to one's parents, ignoring them or going wherever and with whomever one wants behind the wheel of an automobile." (55) Fuchs says that "For girls, the declaration of independence against parents is frequently shown in sexual behavior." (55) I can see where that is shown in the personalities of many girls I know. But I personally won't comment on that little piece of information.

Many parents ask: "Why is my teen so difficult with me?" Dr. Michael Tobin says, "You were once a teenager. Try to remember the crazy, wild and confusing years when your parents seemed at best irrelevant and at worst the embodiment of evil." And "Better that your teenager be 'rebellious' now than later. It's what they're supposed to do. A rebellious thirty year old is an impulsive and irresponsible adult." (askjeeves).

"Why is a protracted adolescent rebellion against authority so particularly American when the culture already has given the young so much freedom?" Lawrence Fuchs asks, "One obvious answer is that having known considerable freedom, they tend to resist any effort to limit it, especially when they are struggling for self-definition in adolescence." Fuchs suggests (54). Hmmm... That could explain why my mother and I used to have fights every weekend because she wouldn't let me go to a dance or football game. That could also suggest why my brother, Jason, fights with my parents about going to friends' houses.

So what can parents do to stop arguing with their teens? Dr. Tobin suggests:

*Cultivate a sense of humor. Learn to laugh at the small stuff (most of its small stuff).

*Learn to listen. When you feel compelled to lecture, eat an apple.

*Be patient.

*Be informed about issues like drugs, alcohol, teen sex, and cigarettes.

*Learn to talk to your son or daughter. Don't judge or preach. Let your conversations with your teen be an act of discovery,

*Don't be afraid to discuss the "taboo subjects".

*Don't be expected to be complimented on doing a great job.

*Love your child unconditionally.

*Don't unconditionally accept or approve everything that your teen does.

*Have fun with your kids.

*Spend one-on-one time with your kids.

*The best parenting is parenting by example. Work on yourself, especially your anger.

*It's okay to lose it, just don't forget to apologize.

*Be kind to yourself. There's no more difficult job than being a parent of a teenager.

*Forget about the outside. Get to know the inside. (Fuchs 58)

And what should teens do to get along with their parents? The same thing I used to do: Politely state your case. Explain why, when, what, and where. And if that fails, do what you want to do. They don't call it rebelling for nothing, you know.

Fuchs, Lawrence H. Family Matters: Why the American Family is in trouble. New York: Random House, 1972.
Groves, Ernest R., Edna L. Skinner, and Sadie J. Swenson. The Family and Its Relationships. Chicago: Lippincott, 1941
Tharp, Jason. Personal Interview.
Tharp, Linda. Personal Interview.
Tobin, Dr. Michael. The Battle of Parents and Teens. 20 Sept. 2001. http://www.wholefamily.com/aboutyourkids/teen/behavior_9.html.
What the Scripture Says. The Crossroads Centre. 20 Sept. 2001. http://crossroads.ca/response/parchild.html.