Why Doesn't My Young Child Want to Learn to Share with Other Children?

Should small children be allowed to act selfishly? Yes. Up to about the age of five, children should be permitted, and expected, to be quite selfish. Thereafter, however, it is healthy and appropriate for kids to slowly become more and more aware and considerate of others.

One of the seemingly forgotten tasks of raising children is the teaching of good manners. Good manners are a form of socially appropriate behavior. But courtesy, it seems, has gone the way of the street car, a curious relic of the past. This is unfortunate because our society is in dire need of a little civility, politeness and consideration for others. Our recent preoccupation with self and self interest has clearly gone too far.

Conscientious parents take seriously their responsibility to raise children who are capable of altruism - the unselfish concern for the welfare of others. Altruism is at the core of all spiritual teachings. It is essential to our humanity and necessary for civilized societies to function properly. Raising a child who is capable of altruism is no small task, however. One of the difficulties is determining when to begin.

It is possible to begin too early. Small children are naturally self-centered. This is absolutely necessary to their development. They will grow out of their self centeredness spontaneously if they are exposed to appropriate models and allowed to experience their feelings naturally. In fact, in order to learn respect for others, they must first have experienced respect from others, especially their parents. Infants, for example, need to experience being the very center of their parent's attention.

Young children are naturally possessive. They learn to use the word "mine" at a very early age. The concept of sharing has to be gently but firmly taught to young children. Pre school children need to be consistently instructed to share their toys with others, for example. Young children are also easily influenced by other children. They are more likely to share when they play with other children who share with them. By the time they enter school, they should be able to share without being reminded.

The most effective way to teach altruism to your children is by practicing it yourself. Also, children are more likely to act in a loving way toward others if they are emotionally secure themselves. Punishing selfish behavior is not as effective as modeling caring behavior.

By modeling cooperation, teamwork, consideration for others and a spirit of altruism, you will provide your children with a solid foundation for life. They will fit in more easily, accept themselves and others more comfortably, and be capable of forming deep, lasting relationships.