Why Don't These Pants Fit?

Has this ever happened to you: You're getting dressed in the morning, and you realize that the pants you put on don't fit? There are several reasons that this might occur, and Science has compiled the most likely of these into a list. This is that list.

1) You got fat. I know, I know. You've been really stressed at work, and way too busy around the house, but you'll get to the gym once all of this crap blows over. In the meantime, 10 years have passed and you've packed it on, bubba. Those pants you bought when you were in college and living off of a package of ramen every two days might seem a little tight. Time to look into stretchable fabrics, tubby.

2) You got skinny. Well, it's possible, right? No, with you, it's really not. Come on, guy, TWO Double Quarter Pounders? Was that really necessary? Try a salad every once in a while. And I'm serious about those stretchable fabrics - they're doing amazing things with fat-guy pants these days. You can't even tell; they look just like regular pants.

3) These are not your pants. You might have gotten confused in the early hours of the day, before your first cup of coffee (of what, 10? 12? Really, man, slow down before your heart explodes). You may be putting on your significant other's trousers. Or, you may be putting on a stranger's pants. Are you in your own house? Did you bring back somebody new from the bar last night? Forget the coffee problem, maybe you need to think about that alcohol problem.

4) These are not pants. Are you trying to put your shirt on your legs? Yeah, that's not going to work.

5) These are shorts. No, you did not grow an extra two feet taller over night. Stop panicking.