Why Filipinos Won't Make Good Astronauts

Are you Filipino? Have you ever dreamed of joining NASA, going up into space, exploring the mystery of the heavens while piloting one of the world's most advanced spacecraft, and working on a globally prestigious team whose duty involves expert technical knowledge and an ability to quickly and effectively deal with danger?

Here's my advice: Forget it!

Let me tell you why. Better yet, here is a list of challenges that you, especially as a Filipino, will have to face .

-There's no horn on the space shuttle.

-You are not allowed to decorate the front with horses and fiesta banners.

-There is nowhere to hang a Last Supper painting

-or hang your 'Weapons of the Moro Land' decoration.

-Durian fruit is not allowed on board.

-Ditto for dried salted fish (tuyo). The recirculating smell will choke fellow, non-Filipino crewmwen.

-Your halo-halo will spill on takeoff.

-You can't decorate the windshield with tassels and stereo speakers.

-You are not allowed to bring freeze-dried dinuguan. It's just too messy.

-If you open some vacuum-packed bagoong shrimp paste in the cockpit, the smell will linger for months inside no matter what!

-You have to keep going home early during NBA playoffs (outside of NBA season, PBA teams are playing)

-You can't get TFC up there. Sorry.

-You will run out of soy sauce on long missions.

-EVA specialist will need to go shi-shi against the side of the shuttle.

-The pilot can't spit out the window. It will hit the inside of his helmet instead. The same goes for disposing of cigarettes.

-This also means the pilot will never, ever turn off the No Smoking sign.

-If you wear a helmet, nobody will see where you are pointing.

-You have nowhere to plug in the rice cooker.

-You will want to trick out the shuttle with giant NOS stickers and extra fins, insisting they make you fly faster. They won't let you.

-The rice dispenser is too bulky to bring along.

-An encounter with alien life forms will result in your challenging them to a drag race. Winner eats the loser.

-You can vacuum-pack the frozen egg rolls, but you can't take your deep-fryer along.

-You can't ventilate that oily, fried-fish-and-patis smell. And you'll definitely get blamed for it.

-There is too much temptation to use PA system as a Magic Mike Karaoke Machine.

-You will come home with 200 freeloading passengers hanging off the back.

-Your Balikbayan box would be huge!

And finally, the biggest reason you can't leave the planet for a mission:

-You would miss too many episodes of "Wow-Wowee!"

It is gruelling, it is depressing. But if you are one of the few who can face these challenges day after day after difficult day, you will return as the first Filipino in space. You will bring pride and recognition to your people as one of elite accomplishment, sacrifice and hard work.
Many will hail you as a hero. Your name will forever mean the same as success and accomplishment. And I will personally walk up to you, look into your eyes in amazement, shake your hand, and say two things: (1) "You did it!" and (2) "Are you really Filipino?"