Why the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly is the Best Movie of All Time

If you haven't seen this movie, you can do one of two things.

One: Close your browser (after you finish this paragraph of course) sign offline, shut down your computer, find a closet or another cmall dark space, curl into a ball, start crying, and don't stop until I give you the okay.

Two: Get off of your computer, go to your local movie store, and buy it. Don't even concern yourself with renting it. If the Special Edition DVD costs 20 bucks, and it costs you four to rent it, and you rent it every week for the rest of your life (Because to not have this movie in your domicile for a period longer than 72 hours is just ridiculous), thats a lot of wasted cash. If the store doesn't have it, burn it down, because its not a real movie store without this movie. Then do the following: sit down with your drug of choice (it doesn't enhance the movie, its more like icing on the cake), relax, and prepare to have your shit rocked by the greatest movie of all time.

Don't believe me about how good it is? Just ask these famous people:

"The Greatest Movie of all time" - Quentin Tarantino

"A Four Star movie" - Roger Ebert

"So good, I literally shit myself out of sheer delight" - Pope Benedict XVI

Now that we've all seen it, and all been exposed to a crucial dose of kick-ass, let's discuss. Why is it so good? You shouldn't have to even ask that, but the purpose of this page is to articulate exactly why it is so awesome, so that you can begin going to the streets preaching the greatness that is this movie.

1. The Good
Clint Eastwood, in a Western as the protagonist no less. Enough Said.

2. The Bad
Lee Van Cleef. The surliest, most badass villain this side of Russell Crowe in Virtuosity. And he was a computerized amagamation of the craziest motherfuckers in history. Lee Van Cleef was just a humble man from a humble beginning in Somerville, New Jersey, and he has rocked more faces than Maoist guerillas in Nepal (who literally stone people to death even to this day).

3. The Ugly
Eli Wallach. How a Jew from Brooklyn could be in two of the best westerns ever, and steal every scene he's in, in both movies is beyond me. The other movie is The Magnificent Seven and if you haven't seen that one, refer to above steps. He stole scenes from both Steve McQueen and Yul Brynner in that movie, and that ain't easy to do (just ask Robert Vaughn).

4. The Soundtrack
Ennio Morricone is probably the best movie composer ever. He has scored an average of seven movies a year since 1961. This particular soundtrack contains many non traditional instruments such as human whistling and marimbas, as well as guitars with many different effects. I'd stronly suggest you go out and buy this new Extended soundtrack, it is great for studying to, because it makes you feel like a badass while reading feminist literary criticism, and thats pretty hard to do.

5. The Dialogue.
Lines such as this:

Man With No Name: You may run the risks, my friend, but I do the cutting. We cut down my percentage - uh, cigar? - liable to interfere with my aim.

Tuco: If you save your breath I feel a man like you can manage it. And if you don't manage it, you'll die. Only slowly, very slowly old friend.

Man With No Name: You see, in this world there's two kinds of people, my friend: Those with loaded guns and those who dig. You dig.

Tuco: You want to know who you are? Huh? Huh? You don't, I do, everyone does... you're the son of a thousand fathers, all bastards like you.

Man With No Name: [counting Angel Eyes' men] One, two, three, four, five, and six. Six, the perfect number.

Angel Eyes: I thought three was the perfect number.

Man With No Name: I've got six more bullets in my gun.

Tuco: There are two kinds of spurs, my friend. Those that come in by the door; those that come in by the window.

None of the 'clever' Hollywood banter between a racially mixed partnership learning each other's culture; just grunts, threats, and sacks of solid gold irony.

6. The Plot

In these days of lame, hackneyed plots, this movie has a very practical, believable, and intricately played out plot. You see why two people who want nothing more than to kill each other are forced to team up for what really matters: a shitload of gold.

7. The humor
This movie is hilarious. Most of the lines I quoted above are a riot in context. I didn't even mention the drunken army captain, or the guy with no legs, who holds wooden blocks in his hands to swing himself around. Funnier than the last four Adam Sandler movies combined.

8. The Genre
Westerns are automatically the greatest genre of movies ever. Every single western is more badass than a comprable movie in another genre. Other notable titles include: The aforementioned Magnificent Seven, Tombstone, Open Range, Unforgiven, A Fistful of Dollars, For A Few Dollars More, The Outlaw Josey Wales, McClintock!, Pale Rider, High Noon, and Young Guns.