Why I Hate American Idol

I hate American Idol. Jut in case that was not clear enough, let me state it again. I HATE American Idol. I HAAAAYYYAAAAAYYYAAAATTEE American Idol. The show it the crystallization of the dumbing down of America. I also fear that it is corrupting and destroying and entire generation's ability to appreciate music. Not to mention the fact has one of the most evil men to ever appear on television.

Simon Cowell is a prick. That's all he is. The man has not done one thing to contribute to society and in interviews he seems to genuinely be a prick. I have read interviews with him where the only thing he seems to say is that the only thing that will make him happy is to die with a lot of money and, apparently, a lot of black T-shirts. Has he ever written a song? Played an instrument? Performed in front of people in a musical manner? Has he ever done one thing to honestly contribute to music in general? No, instead his big claim to fame is that he got a job at a music label and then made a lot of money selling CDs with professional wrestlers performing on them or something. He should be considered evil for that alone.

So, when Simon dies he will have done nothing but be a prick his entire life. None of his money will matter and I bet very few people will care because such a prick is very hard to be friends with. He will have done not a single thing to make the world better for him having been here. His parents must be so proud.

Then there's poor, sad Paula Abdul. She seems like an old watch that is slowly winding down. Maybe dancing with a cartoon cat was too much for her. I don't know what to do about her but she may be having a breakdown on live television.

The only one of them that has any sort of credibility is Randy. At the very least Randy knows how to play an instrument. At the very least Randy is a musician so someone he says might have some tiny amount of merit. Still, he uses the word "dawg" too much to really be taken seriously.

I can't stand to watch this show. People seem to think that those poor pathetic souls in the beginning of each season deserve what they get. I have to disagree. I think they need to be told to go home long before they are brought in front of those three knuckleheads and then crushed and humiliated in front of millions on television. Of course, then you get a William Hung and that whole part of the program becomes pointless too.

At some point it's just karaoke and it's bad karaoke. They sing parts of songs created and made hits by other people infinitely more talented than those on stage. Can anyone remember any of the past winners? OK, I will spot you Kelly Clarkson but even she is a questionable talent. Can you name a Kelly Clarkson song? I think I sorta liked one song of hers for ten seconds before the radio station played it 478 times in a hour and made me want to smash my radio. Kelly and that blond chick who won last year and went country need to do their Playboy spread together and then vanish into the ether. Then at least they would have done something I found entertaining.

The problem I fear is that this is ruining an entire generation's perception of music. The list of names who would not have made it through American Idol is impressive. The only people who do get through are those types who belt out songs, quiver their voice and then hold out a note until you want to scream at the television. Here is a list of people I believe would not have made it through American Idol: Bob Dylan, Neil Young, Roger Waters, David Gilmour, David Bowie, Lou Reed, Kurt Cobain, Eddie Vedder, Jimi Hendrix, Peter Himmelman, Wayne Coyne, Bruce Cockburn and John Hiatt. I am sure I could come up with others but I haven't had my morning coffee. People who put the song first and the music first and have unique voices. They are not marginalized or homogenized and they are actually talented.

I know that this is something that has been done since music became a commercial enterprise. I know the group The Archies never actually existed and were a marketing ploy when they were put together to create their hit "Sugar, Sugar." I know the Monkees were created for television purposes only. However, the Monkees did eventually learn to play their instruments and went on to create some great songs and a very freaky movie.

Somehow the fact that this is on television and so insanely popular makes it so insidious and so incredibly evil. People spend so much time vested in this thing only to discard this season's winner once the season ends. It's just sad.

I think I have a way to try and save the current generation of potential music loves. I am providing the following prescription and would love some comments offering further suggestions:

1. Go to a music store. Not to Sam Goody's but to a real, dingy, privately-owned music store that still sells records. The kind of store where the guy who owns it looks like he spends too many weekends buying albums on vinyl at garage sale. He is the guy who has even as a collection of 78s somewhere. You need to buy these albums on vinyl. You need to appreciate what it means to take out a record and put it on a turntable. You need to appreciate album art and cleaning the record and how fragile life and music is by caring for a record.

2. Get Miles Davis Kind of Blue. Listen to it again and again and again. Appreciate music in its purest most unadulterated form. Appreciate the tones and how the band plays together. This is real music for the very sake of music. Play it until you can hum every song and then proceed to the next set.

3. Buy 45s and singles from the following artists: Buddy Holly, Richie Valens, James Brown, and Elvis Presley. I have never been a huge Elvis fan, but he is the King and he should be respected. If the song "Rave On" by Buddy Holly does not make you want to get up, jump around and sing along loudly then you are clinically dead. Get yourself to the nearest morgue for processing.

4. Buy full-blown albums from The Who and Led Zeppelin just so you can decide which side of that argument you come down on. Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon. Jimi Hendrix's Are You Experienced? Get anything by The Doors. Buy everything from the Beatles you can find but especially find Rubber Soul and Revolver. The Beach Boys Pet Sounds. Play these albums until your needle wears out at least 8 times and the grooves get worn down.

Once you have done that I think you can graduate to CDs and then start buying music from the 1970s. I would suggest you find an 8-track player just so you can say you experienced that too. There is a lot of actual music out there and I haven't even touched on more jazz and blues that you can get into.

There's still time to save your musical soul before you think all music is some white-haired moron singing Queen songs poorly and improperly kicking over a mike stand.

Oh yeah, you should buy some Queen albums too. You should hear them the way Freddy Mercury sang them. Hurry. Please.