Why I Hate Halloween and You Should Too: A Retail Rant from a Disgruntled Former Halloweanie

Halloween is awful. It turns normal stores into a retail nightmare, shuffles plastic trash all over the place and makes people eat more sugar than they actually want. People go crazy for the stuff and it just ruffles the feathers of my Big Bird costume. Follow my logic and you'll hate Halloween too, or convince me otherwise if you dare to try.

Halloween: A Mess of Consumption and Miscellaneous Trash

I hate Halloween because it cranks up the mindless, selfish consumption most people already do day to day.

Do you really need that pooping pumpkin? Yes? And that flashing lapel pin? Alright then.

I hate that once a month there is disposable plastic crap filling our environment for no reason. Often, the production on all the fake baubles and plastic crap doesn't even help employ someone in our country, and may not have employed someone for a living wage.

Halloween: Please Stop Giving Me Junk

I hate that people buy this crap for me. It's not that I don't appreciate the candy; almost everyone appreciates candy. But it's the VOLUME of obligatory Halloween candy that I either have to eat or toss, lacking children or a physical workplace where I can pawn it off on various munching coworkers.

I hate Halloween because I hate that I get a pile of elaborate but disposable Halloween gifts, and I know what they cost at the store, and that they are worth maybe half what they paid. The profits are insane, and people just go crazy for it. It does not compute. I love my mother, but I now own 9 pairs of Halloween socks that I still wear because I don't want to waste them.

(Some of them are comfy)

Halloween: Stinky, Lots of Drunks

I hate Halloween because I hate that smell that the stores get when they are full of plastic Halloween costumes spewing fumes all over the store. I hate how I'm expected to come up with a costume when I really could not give a crap. I hate how the thrift stores are all full of wandering newbies making a mess of the place looking for a cheap costume.

I hate Halloween because a week before and after the holiday, everyone's having booze-laden Halloween parties and half the drivers on the road are at least somewhat inebriated.

Halloween: Field Day for Club Wear and Sexy Costume Themes

When kids do Halloween, they dress as pumpkins or witches or Peter Pan or what have you. When adults do Halloween, they do sexy Halloween costumes. Oodles of women squeeze into their skimpiest weekend clubwear, don a pair of cat ears and a tail and call it a costume.

Well, except the men who seem to do mostly Jeffrey Lebowski or someone from Star Wars.

Halloween: Would Be Better Without Halloween Stores

Halloween is not all bad. It's funny sometimes. Some of the parties are fun. I like wearing costumes. I like the clearance sales on candy. I like witches, vampires and haunted houses. It would be a totally awesome holiday if it weren't such a retail plastic trash producing pukefest. I just wish people would loosen up and do what they want to do on Halloween all year long, so the retail vampires can't stick their fangs into Halloween and suck the authenticity out of it. Yes, that includes wearing a Lebowski costume anytime you feel like it.

I hate Halloween. I don't hate its history or what it stands for or anything like that. I have no religious, spiritual or political issues with the existence of the holiday. In fact, I think the day after Halloween should be a national holiday just out of good sense. Making kids go to school the next day is just mean.