Why I Hate Starbucks and Will Never Use Their Wifi Again

This summer I embarked on a lengthy road trip, which meant that I had to find wireless internet on the road. I thought I'd be able to go to Starbucks locations all over the country to get my wifi on, but that plan ended up proving disastrous. Now I know why Starbucks is such a hated company!

Here's an account of my humorous, frustrating attempts to use the "free" wireless internet at Starbucks.

Why I signed up for free wifi at Starbucks

I must admit, Starbucks already ranked high on my hate scale before this little adventure. I'm one of those people who resents the fact that they are on practically every street corner in America, often forcing more eclectic, more interesting local coffee shops out of business in the process. I cheered wildly when they started losing money and had to shut down hundreds of stores.

But I'm also a pragmatist, and I needed wireless internet access while traveling. Starbucks seemed to be the logical choice, since they were everywhere. When I found myself in Memphis and couldn't find another wifi hotspot, I spotted a Starbucks and decided to give it a shot.

I thought I could walk in, plug in my laptop, pick up the free wireless internet signal, and log right on. I couldn't have been more wrong.

The aggravating process of signing up for free wifi at Starbucks

The Starbucks/AT&T wireless internet signal was password-protected, so I went to the counter to ask for the password. The barista informed me that in order to use wifi at Starbucks, you need a Starbucks card, and the card must maintain a minimum balance of $5 at all times. That's unnecessarily complicated, I thought, but I had no other options so I went for it. I forked over $5 and obtained my card.

The next step, I was informed, was to go online and register the card. The registration process struck me as far too invasive. Why must I provide my name and address just to use their wireless internet? I submitted a phony name, address, and email address (I feel bad for the poor sap who owns none@hotmail.com, because I've been using that as my standard fake for years.)

Frustrated at all the red tape, I selected "thisisstupid" as my desired username, only to find out it was taken. In fact, thississtupid1 through thisisstupid51 were all taken. It seems that dozens of other customers hated this signup process too! So I went with thisisstupid52 and tried to create an account.

Wouldn't you know it - technical difficulties! I was able to create the account, but when I attempted to login, I was told my username and password weren't valid. After a fruitless search of the site's FAQ, I had to call the hated Starbucks/AT&T customer service line.

The guy on the other end of the line made me recite all the bogus personal information I'd already entered. Good thing I'd written down my fake name & address! He then asked for my username, which led to an awkward moment where I had to tell him "thisisstupid52." I think he was getting the picture just how much I hated this process.

After a few minutes he resolved the problem and I was able to logon. Finally, after almost an hour of needless frustration, I was able to access the internet and get my work done. But the story doesn't end there.

Trying to actually use wifi at Starbucks

A while later I found myself in Olympia, Washington. I spotted a Starbucks downtown and went inside to try to hop online. But it turned out this Starbucks location had one outlet in the entire store, which was already in use. How can you claim to offer free wifi and then only provide one outlet for folks to plug in their laptops?

By not having sufficient outlets, Starbucks lost not only my wifi business but also lost sales from the food I would've purchased. My hate for Starbucks grew and I headed down the street, where I found a local coffee shop with outlets out the wazoo. I spent most of the next two days there, getting my fill of free wireless internet and enjoying their delicious pastries.

Eventually, I became fed up with Starbucks and started seeking out other wireless internet options, until one day in suburban Chicago, unable to find another wifi hotspot, I reluctantly sauntered into a Starbucks. After waiting about ten minutes for an outlet to free up, I sat down and plugged in. When I tried to login, my username was rejected. After doing some investigation, I realized it was because I hadn't logged in during the past 30 days - turns out Starbucks requires one login per 30 days to keep your card active.

By this point I was so over Starbucks that I couldn't even get mad. I smiled, packed up my laptop, walked out, and swore never to return to Starbucks again. And I haven't - except to redeem the $5 balance on the gift card. Hey, I'd already spent the cash so I was going to get my money's worth! I purchased a couple of overpriced muffins, which came to $4.92, handed over my gift card, and walked out of Starbucks. I felt free, like a kid on the last day of school, knowing I wouldn't ever have to go back in there.

So I hate Starbucks, and will never use their wifi again

I didn't think I could hate Starbucks any more than I already did, but this experience proved me wrong. If you're traveling and need wireless internet access on the road, might I recommend Panera Bread? Panera offers free wifi at all of its locations, no strings attached. No passwords, no gift cards, no minimum balances. Just plug in and log on.

As for Starbucks, you may have an easier time finding an available outlet there, because their customer base is now one person smaller.

Sources:
Personal experience
http://www.att.com/gen/press-room?pid=4800&cdvn=news&newsarticleid=25152
http://www.starbucks.com/customer/faq_qanda.asp?name=customerwifi