Why Helicopter Parents Are Robbing Their Children

I've always known my children were different. They didn't sit quietly in the doctor's office, they didn't stand like statues in the line at the movies, and they certainly didn't keep their opinions to themselves. But it wasn't until an encounter with a supposedly well-meaning mom in a Seattle grocery store that I realized they were this way for a reason.

I watched this mom pushing her cart around the produce aisle, her small child sitting quietly in the front of the cart. Every now and then the child would begin to say something and quickly be reprimanded. When her little arm would reach for something, it would be roughly swatted away. Meanwhile, my feisty little 4 yr old was running circles around my forward moving cart, errantly grabbing up items and replacing them-occasionally in their original places. Needless to say, she was not using her "inside" voice! We passed the other mom-moments after pulling back a rapidly wagging finger just a couple millimeters from her child's nose-and from between clenched teeth I heard, "You should get control of your kid!" Being a young mother and therefore all knowing, I stopped and with hands on hips snottily replied, "I don't have to control my child; I'm teaching her SELF control!"

I have never forgotten the few words I exchanged with the grocery store mom that day. I had truly been bothered with the level of micromanaging that poor child had to endure. From then on, I began to see more and more cases of micromanagement, and fewer cases of responsible, happy children.

As a teacher, I've seen parents hovering over their children attempting to control everything they do, from how they chase the soccer ball, to how they form the letter H. I've known children to be grounded for not completing their homework or for staying too long at a friend's house. I've known parents who would spend hours every day making sure schoolwork was done correctly and then be furious with the teacher when her child didn't perform well enough on a test. These helicopter parents are great at managing other people lives, but unfortunately, they are raising children who are unable to manage their own.

I knew, from early on, that if I wanted my children to grow up to be confident, happy people, I would have to help them learn the lessons of life by experiencing them. Instead of nagging them about putting socks on before going to school, I would share my thoughts about it and quickly drop it. When my son would come home from school crying about the ribbing he got from classmates over his smelly feet, I would be genuinely sympathetic and again share my ideas on the many advantages to wearing socks. Instead of riding my daughter about studying for a big test, I would simply ask if she had any studying she needed to do. When she would bring home a bad grade on a spelling test, I would, of course, express genuine sympathy, and go on to explain why I value studying and how it made a difference in my school grades. These loving and logical approaches to discipline seemed to empower my children. It gave them ownership of their problems and the solutions for those problems. It allowed them to take responsibility for their own failures and successes and helped them to see that they were responsible, powerful, and capable people.

By hovering over their children, helicopter parents are robbing them of the most important character building experiences. Helicopter parents hold themselves --and others --responsible for their children's successes and failures. They are so afraid their children will be mistreated or will make poor decisions, that they must intervene in every aspect of their lives. Unfortunately, mom and dad will not always be there. Then who will make the decisions?

Yes, my children are different. They are strong. They are capable. They are able to make decisions on their own. Despite all their grocery-store antics, they have become responsible adults, and without any hovering at all!