Why Hogwarts Should Be a Prerequisite for Entering the Business World

If only there was a school like Hogwarts that could prepare you for the real world. Read on for how these Hogwarts classes could be enhanced to equip every aspiring professional with the tools needed to survive in the world of business.

Ancient Runes is a class about Magical Hieroglyphs and Logograms - in other words, symbols. There are all kinds of symbols you're exposed to every day in the world of business. If you added a few chapters about interpreting non-verbal language and understanding the undercurrent of certain phrases and actions, you'd be able to see that there's more not said than said in the world of business.

Arithmancy is the study of Magical properties of numbers. The first magical number you'll be introduced to is the one on your paycheck. This class would teach you that when you take a $40,000 year job that you're really only taking $20,000 of it home because the government is taking the rest if you're American. (In some countries it's much worse.) The second magical numerical property you'll be exposed to is the imaginary grading scale used to determine the amount of your annual raise. Your superiors will tell you about the grading scale and they'll reference the grading scale often; however, they'll never actually provide you a copy of the grading scale. An Arithmancy class could teach people how to ride the system in such a manner that the grading scale is irrelevant and they receive a minimum 3% raise annually. Lastly, you'll learn about the magical properties of the number 0 as you look at the budget line item marked 'salary increases' cut out due to being over budget. Arithmancy could teach you how to move the numbers around on paper to secure yourself the money you deserve.

Astronomy is the study of Facts about the stars. Every company has them - the superstars - the ones that can do no wrong. They're also the ones who will quickly point out to you that they can do no wrong. A class like this could teach people how to (1) become a superstar; or, (2) ride the coattails of a superstar.

Care of Magical Creatures is all about controlling various creatures. You will meet creatures that seem to get away with everything almost as if by magic. A class like this could equip people with the knowledge and information needed to identify dangerous creatures and reel them in when necessary. Beware though of Nundus (first referenced in Rowling's 2001 book Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them). They're considered to be the most dangerous beast in existence and their breath carries disease and death. You've seen them before - the slimy, under-handed people that insist on talking constantly about bad things that are happening, things they don't like about other people and juicy, unfounded gossip without the courtesy of first sucking on a breath mint.

Charms is an interactive class that involves trying various charms. I dream of the day this class is offered. Be advised that even in desperate situations Voodoo does not seem work. I've also tried the Confundus Charm (which causes confusion) to no avail. (Though I must admit that there are people that are naturally confused so I like to pretend they're under some sort of a spell so I don't whack them over the head for being stupid.)

Defence Against the Dark Arts is a class that is taught for six years at Hogwarts. Business if full of all kinds of dark arts from stepping on little people to get ahead, spreading disinformation to ruin reputations and taking credit for things you haven't done, just to name a few. I like the progression this class follows and with just a little bit of tweaking, the first year overview would be a great start. Going next into basic dark creatures, this course of study could focus on individuals that practice the dark arts of gossip, disinformation, and tattle telling (the practice of gathering unflattering information about individuals and divulging it to a wide audience which usually includes superiors and HR). The next course - intermediate dark creatures - would focus on the individuals who practice the dark arts of Human Resources interference, idea stealing, glory seeking, sidestepping and tripping (trying to take over someone else's position by tripping them up) and invisibility (whenever there's work to be done, they instantly vanish). Moving on next to advanced dark creatures, this course of study would focus on people caught up in the dark arts of people encampment (pitting people against one another), strategic advancement (stepping on anyone and anything to get ahead) and the casting of the Impervious Curse which makes it so the individual is able to snowball their manager to hold them to a lower standard than their peers (making them an instant rock star as well as impervious to disciplinary action). Lastly, learning about Dementors is a key to success in the business world. Dementors come in all different forms from colleagues to bosses to executives. Regardless of their title or role, these dark beings glory in decay and despair and drain peace, hope and happiness out of the air around them, it is important to know how to spot them.

Divination is an elective focusing on tea leaves, palmistry, crystal balls, astrology, and more. Since business situations do not come equipped with a crystal ball, perhaps this class could teach people to read tea leaves to make all those important decisions. I've been told that most people at the "C-level" use this method of strategic planning. If this class could teach tea leaf reading, then perhaps it might prepare individuals for prestigious leadership roles.

Flying class teaches students to fly on broomsticks. Adding a course of study that focuses on making lame-brain ideas fly is essential.

Herbology focuses on Magical herbs and fungi. You'll find in business that there can be a rather nasty fungus that breeds quickly. It's called negativism and once it begins to replicate, it's difficult to control. If this class could be modified to include a course of study on how to stop that fungus from breeding, we'd all be better off.

History of Magic follows the timeline of Magical history. If this class could be adapted to include information about how a person would go about gathering information about historical events so they can be certain not to repeat the same mistakes, business might run a little smoother.

Muggle Studies focuses on physical aspects of life without magic. Entering into the world of business, you'll start off with no magic skills. After you've proven yourself, you'll often hear the phrase, "Go work your magic" in the business setting. Incorporating a section of study into this class to teach people how to give others the impression that they possess some type of magical quality would be useful in business.

Potions is all about potion composition. If only we could brew a potion and make our troubles go away. You'll notice in business, though, that there are several potions that already seem to be at work and being able to spot people that are under their influence would be helpful. You will know that the Babbling Beverage potion is at work when you run into people that make absolutely no sense. You know who they are - the people that re-package what they've heard and call it their own, the people that talk in circles and the people that make a point completely out of context. The Draught of Living Death has been consumed by the individual that talks for so long and is so boring that you fall into a deep sleep only to be awakened by your own snore or the clearing of the individual's throat. You'll spot the individual that has taken Felix Felicis because all their endeavors tend to succeed and they have an exhilarating sense of confidence and opportunity. If the individual has consumed too much, however, you'll know because they'll become reckless, giddy and dangerously overconfident. Individuals under the Forgetfulness Potion will feign forgetfulness at their convenience when tasks are either not interesting or they feel they're beneath them. There are people that have consumed the Hate Potion and they must be avoided! If their attention is directed at you, they'll reveal your worst faults and habits most likely in front of a captive audience or executive team member. And let's not forget the coffee potion. Usually consumed in mass quantities, individuals under its influence will be zombie-like until well after 10am and then jittery until 2pm.

Transfiguration is the study of changing things into other things. Admit it, you've wanted to transform people into other things - gum on the bottom of your shoe, bugs on your windshield. While this might be possible at Hogwarts, in the business world, transfiguration is the art of morphing something that's not great to make it sound phenomenal. Watch out for phrases like "blessing in disguise," "it was meant to be," and "it is what it is." It could be the beginning of a transfiguration comment like, "Working 60 hours a week for the next six weeks is going to be exciting! We'll stay late and order dinner at the office, play games and go out for drinks afterward." Attending a class that could clue you in to such propaganda would save people the headache and hassle of being disappointed when the transfigured event really turns out to suck.

Too bad we can't all attend a few key Hogwarts classes before we venture out into the business-world. Though everyone knows there is nothing inherently magical about business, wouldn't it be great to be educated like there was?