Why I'm an Atheist

First off, I would just like to note that this is in no way intended to tell people they should not believe their god(s). It is merely my own viewpoint and experience with religion. This essay deals with my experience with Christianity in particular. However it is my belief that I would have faced the same trials and doubts had I investigated any other religion.

A little over two years ago, I was nearing the end of my freshman year of college. It was at a different university than I'm currently attending; as I would transfer at the end of my sophomore year. Like many college freshman, I was struggling to find my place in the universe. It was then that I turned to a place I had previously never imagined I would. The church. For several years I had struggled with my religious beliefs, or lack thereof, as the case may be. Throughout high school I had been told I was wicked and destined to burn in hell unless I accepted Jesus as my savior. The people telling me this failed to realize they were doing more harm than good, as their hostility only served to drive me away from the church.

So when I got to college and realized one of my professors was a nun (we'll call her Sister S), I was terrified. Yes, not only did the attitudes of my high school classmates serve to drive me away from the church, it also caused me to be afraid of most Christians. The more adamant they were, the more I feared them. And I imagined a nun was pretty adamant. But as the year went on I realized that Sister S was actually quite nice, and at the same time I had began to wonder about my own faith. And about God and Jesus.

One day I got up the nerve to email Sister S, asking if we could meet about something not related to the class. She agreed, and I met with her to discuss faith. It was would prove to be the first of many such meetings, both with her, and the priest of the university church. Over the course of the next year I met with them regularly, attended mass, and even joined a Catholic youth group on campus. I read the Bible, and I prayed for the faith in its words. Yet none of it ever managed to feel real to me. I could not reconcile my existing beliefs with those presented in the Bible.

The other thing was, I got different answers depending on who I asked. Does God hate gays? Do atheists really go to hell? How literally must we take the Bible? Eventually I came to realize that most Christians believed whatever was convenient for them. Not everyone thinks premarital sex is wrong, not everyone thinks God hates gays, and not everyone thinks the whole Bible should be taken literally. You have to allow for the time in which was written, or so they say. Nearly all disagreements within the faith stem from different interpretations of the Bible.

Let's use homosexuality as an example. Leviticus says, "Though shalt not lay with mankind, as with womankind: it is an abomination." There's really a number of ways this phrase can be taken. Usually it's thought to mean simply: "Homosexuality is bad." But consider this: often, men were away at war, with no women around. It wasn't uncommon for them to form sexual relations with their comrades. The Spartans, in fact, were even encouraged to do this, as it was believed they would fight with more strength if their significant other was thought to be in danger. One could argue that this line is simply furthering the idea that sex without marriage is a sin. Either way, the quote is about laying with mankind, not about loving them. My point is this: there are a number of ways to interpret any quote within the Bible, so who is to say which is right?

I realize the simple answer to this is to believe what you want to believe. But that's usually not how my mind works. I want to believe what is right. If I was going to be a Christian, I would want to follow all the rules to a T whenever I could. But how to do this when no two people can agree what the rules are? And when many parts of the Bible are "metaphors, not to be taken literally", how do I know any of it is true? The short answer is: I don't. I can't.

I am aware that many people will say this should not have stopped me. That I should continue to be a Christian despite my doubts, "just in case." Philosophers have said that it is better to believe in a god that you doubt, than to not believe and find out he exists. They say that if you believe in God, He either exists and you go to Heaven, or he does not exist and you lived a good life. If you do not believe in God, either He exists and you go to Hell, or He does not exist and you die your soul perishes as you knew it would. Personally, I am happier being a convinced atheist than a skeptic Christian, and I have been both. Also, the idea of using logic to convince someone of a faith is... Well, illogical. The whole point of faith is to believe it in your heart and soul, not because it is convenient. Besides, this argument seems to assume that anyone claiming to be Christian automatically gets into Heaven. One part of Christianity I can definitely agree with is this: If you opt into religion seeking Heaven, you will never find it.

So I believe that if you are going to follow any faith, it should be out of love of the faith, rather than the fear of what will happen if you don't. That's not to say I do not fear my fate as an atheist; I do acknowledge that any number of religions could be correct about my fate after death. But I think following them out of fear is worse than not following them at all.