Why I'm Not an AC Hottie

I'm surrounded by AC hotties: Pattie Byrd, Lyn Lomasi, Mike Hatz, JerseyNana, Nancy Tracy, Carol Bengle Gilbert, Charlotte Kuchinsky, Abby Greenhill, Jaipi Sixbear, Millionaire Hoy, Jennifer Wagner, Michele Starkey, Timothy Sexton, and Donald Pennington, to name a few...Must be nice to have that awesome, flaming red badge on your profile page. Must be real nice. I know I should be happy with my "Top 1000" star and PMA badge-those are great and I'm very proud and honored, blah blah blah-but, darn it, I'd really like to be an AC hottie. I don't need to be a "Hot 100" hottie; just give me a "Hot 500" badge for one measly month, and I'll never complain again, I swear.

Here's what AC tells us about the new "Hot 100" and "Hot 500" badges: "The 'Hot 100' and 'Hot 500' are the Associated Content Contributors with the largest audience, and most engaged readers, viewers and listeners. These badges are updated once per month, and grace the profiles of the top 500 active Contributors based on the previous month's page views."

So if I want to be an AC hottie, I'll have to get more page views. Why's it always have to be about the page views, hmm? And what's this nonsense about having the "most engaged readers"? How can anyone measure that? Is there a tiny video camera hiding inside all our computers, recording our facial expressions as we read AC articles? Perish the thought! For the record, sometimes I yawn because I'm tired, not because the article I'm reading is boring. Maybe this is why I'm not an AC hottie, though; maybe my readers have a tendency to yawn and roll their eyes and click through my articles at lightning speed, muttering, "Give me a break!"

I might never be "hot" by AC's standards, but I'm doing slightly better than okay. Can I have a badge that says "Slightly Better Than Okay/Top 100,000"? Please? I think AC also needs to give out "Good Effort" smiley-face badges to the AC Contributors who publish lots and lots of articles every month but never get many page views.

Or AC could start selling cool badges, like those "Pieces of Flair" on Facebook. Those of us who will never make it to Clout 10 or PV Millionaire status need bright, funky badges on our profile pages that scream, "Look at me! I'm special!" If I can't be a hottie, can't I at least buy a pink peace-sign badge with some of my hard-earned Paypal money? Or a roaring lion badge (because I'm a Leo)? Or a "Save Ferris" or "Meat is Murder" badge? The possibilities are endless. AC would make more money and all of us slackers would get to pretty up our profile pages without having to work any harder. I think it's a marvelous idea!

Seriously now, congratulations to all the AC hotties! And, hey, if you're not hot, you might be cool!