Why I'm Queer

Recently I had the experience of someone on an online community being shocked that I choose to use the word "queer" to describe myself having heard it before only in the context of a slur. In explaining it to her, I realized there might be other people, especially those who are straight, who might want or need more information about why I prefer to be called queer over gay, lesbian or bisexual.

Since I have had relationships with both men and women, let's start with bisexual. What's the problem there? Well, a few things. First, I don't personally believe that there are two genders. Gender in my mind is a continuum (for a sloppy metaphor think of a dimmer switch instead of a standard light switch). Additionally, because I have many friends who are transsexual or intersexed, it strikes me as disrespectful to choose to use a word to describe myself when that word implies that people like them don't exist. Finally "bisexual" is a label that to too many ears describes who I go to bed with, as opposed to who I fall in love with, as such I view bisexual and a word that is incomplete at best.

The word lesbian doesn't really work for me either, in part because I have also had relationships with men. But additionally the word lesbian reinforces an all too frequent divide found in the queer community between gay men and gay women. I dislike the idea of their being separate terms for homosexual men and women, because it isolates our communities from each other - something that I feel is harmful both socially and politically. Additionally, I find lesbian has an unfortunate history as a word used to dismiss women, whether they are women loving women or not, as either ugly (anyone who went to all all-girls school knows exactly what I mean here) or irrelevant.

So why don't I just use the word gay as above and say, I'm a gay woman? Well, like lesbian, it generally implies exclusive attraction to the same sex. Also, the word is so strongly associated with the gay male community that using it often results in queries about what kind of statement I'm trying to make. Sometimes, I just want an adjective, and if increasingly equality isn't too much to ask, then I'm sure having a good, useful word for my homosexuality isn't either.

So ultimately, I settled on queer. Queer defines me as part of a community outside of the world of straight privilege. Queer also has the benefit of being non-gendered. Other advantages of the word queer include that it's only a single syllable, that is has a history as a pejorative term that the community can reclaim and that it has personality. I am eccentric, odd and outside of the norm; I think marriage equality is a fundamental right that I advocate for, although I'm not interested in taking advantage of it. Why? Because I'm a queer woman - that is someone living outside of the norms of gender, attraction and social construct.

Finally, for those worried about using the acceptably (i.e., "Can I call you queer if I'm straight?") it's best to take your cues from other people's self-identification. It's also worth noting that the adjective usually comes off more politely. Aasking me if I'm queer will always sound more respectful than asking me if I'm _a_ queer. This is similar to the difference between asking me if I'm Jewish or if I'm a Jew - one question seeks clarification on who I am as a person. The other question can easily be interpreted as seeking to define me as something other than a person