Why I'm Steamed at Dylan McDermott

Last Monday night's (well, technically Tuesday morning's) episode of Late Night with Jimmy Fallon featured a guest appearance by Dylan McDermott, who was there to plug his new series, Dark Blue, a TV show about the seamy world of undercover (dark) police (blue) work. Get it? It's a Jerry Bruckheimer joint, so I will probably watch it, but only if I can get over being steamed at Dylan McDermott.

The interview consisted of an amusing anecdote, followed by a plug for the show, and a rollicking electric bumper-car race around the studio, in which Jimmy Fallon totally clobbered Dylan McDermott. One of the cool things about Jimmy is the way he actually gets his guests involved in wacky, entertaining competitions. Another cool thing is that he doesn't simply let his guests win. If they earn it, they earn it, but they have to really beat him.

But this isn't about why Jimmy Fallon is cool; it's why I'm steamed at Dylan McDermott. You see, the anecdote was a lengthy tale about how Dylan McDermott imported some special grass from Ireland and had it installed, only to find the sod rolled back up every morning. Turns out it was raccoons, looking for worms. Ha.Ha. Okay, here's the thing: Dylan McDermott imported grass from IRELAND, where it rains just about every freakin' day, and had it installed at his home in LOS ANGELES. Do you see the problem, here?

Does it matter to Dylan McDermott that the American Southwest is generally extremely arid? No, because if you're rich and famous, water comes up out of the desert for you like magic! Does is matter that importing plant life from other parts of the world is generally a bad idea (I'm talking to the geniuses behind Dutch elms, multiflora roses and kudzu, here)? Heck no, because if you're Dylan McDermott, you deserve to have that special green that only seems to occur in Ireland (because it rains all the time) at your very own doorstep. Dylan McDermott doesn't care about the environment; he will pay to have his lawn jetted in across a large ocean and an even larger landmass, regardless of the carbon footprint. He will pay to have his auld sod saturated with water in the middle of the desert! Maybe those raccoons weren't looking for worms; they were trying to tell him to pack up the grass and xeriscape!

And if hearing the tale of the Irish sod weren't enough to get me steamed, the planet now receives further insult when Jimmy mentions Dylan McDermott's love of racing fast cars as a means to introduce the bumper car bit. So now we get profligate waste of petrol in addition to jet fuel and water? Great! Dylan, you'd better get your butt over to Ed Begley Jr.'s house (we'll just pray the universe doesn't explode when these two meet) and learn some things! Jimmy Fallon was trying to be nice and never called Dylan on his wastefulness, but at least Jimmy didn't spoil him further by letting him win the race. So there!