Why Jennifer Aniston Sucks: The Failure of Success

I recall watching on an episode of The Office, Steve Carrell's character Michael Scott explaining to a bunch of college kids at a telemarketing job why the Die Hard trilogy lost him. In it, he explains that in Die Hard 1, the original, Bruce Willis plays average cop John Mclane who was caught up in a series of non-average terrorist events. In the sequel and third installment of Die Hard, however, John Mclane is suddenly doing these outrageously non-average things like flipping cabs through tunnels and jumping motorcycles off helicopters.

This, is the failure of success, and also my explanation as to why Jennifer Aniston sucks.

Jennifer Aniston's mainstream appeal was in the fact that she isn't Julia Roberts. Aniston, with her bunt nose and rough chin, was no starlet beauty. Instead, she was an everyday woman, a girl next door who women could imagine being or being friends with. She wasn't an Oscar contender or the highest paid actress in television or film, but rather a chick you could have a beer with or accompany shopping.

Now, Aniston has become Roberts. Every time Aniston makes an appearance on television, harpsichords play in the background, the screen is lit and blurred like an Elizabeth Taylor commercial, and her legs are waxed harder than Laird Hamilton's surfboard. She is tanner than the Jersey Shore cast combined, and her skin glows brighter than a shard of green Kryptonite buried in the snow. Her appearances are hard to come by, and when they do she is treated like the grand duke of Oprahdom. I don't mean to project, but she also no longer carries the air of a girl next door. Now she seems like the girl next door to Buckingham Palace.

I don't know whether it was John Mayer, Vince Vaughn, Brad Pitt, Gerard Butler or the never ending talk about who she is and should date, but Jennifer Aniston has personified that dialogue once spouted by the serendipitous Michael Scott. The failure of success. It's like if Steve Buscemi was voted the sexiest man alive and everyone fawned over his jagged teeth. No scratch that, it isn't like that at all. It's like if Steve Buscemi welcomed it and became it. Though she may command twenty million dollars a film or unadulterated screen time during interviews or insurance for various parts of her body, Jen Aniston has become the very antithesis as to why she had the opportunity to succeed. It's all very contradictory and if thought over too hard, may cause an embolism. Others, like yours truly, give it all the way too much thought and come up with the mad rants of a trivial editorial explaining away something that very well required no explanation at all.

John Mclane. Jennifer Aniston. Steve Buscemi. Julia Roberts. It's all relative.