Why Jerry Jones Deserves to Be Banged Up by One of His Own 'Boys: the NFL's Creepiest Franchise Owner

Is there anyone else out in cyberspace besides myself who thinks that Jerry Jones is the hands down, bar none, creepiest man on the planet? Yes, I know that he has some pretty stiff (ha!) competition from the likes of Al Davis, the octogenarian owner of the San Francisco Raiders football team, and certainly from that old hound dog Hugh Hefner. At 82, the Hef (as opposed to "the Hoff", as David Hasshoff apparently likes to refer to himself - an upcoming, future candidate for the Most Creepy Award) may - or very well may not - be aware that he's living in a mansion full of buxom beauties one-fourth his age. It's worth watching "The Girls Next Door" just to see how pathetic a figure Hugh Hefner has now become. We are watching senility in motion (slow motion) there, folks.

But I make a case for Jerry Jones as being way more 'creepy' because unlike Hefner and Davis, he is (apparently) of sound mind. Whoops, I think I may have damaged my own logic here.

If Jerry Jones were of sound mind, would he continue to sign the certifiable 'bad boys' of football to American's Team roster? Terrell Owens may very well be the most physically dominant wide received currently playing. He's also one of the NFL's most unstable individuals. T.O. lived two houses away from us when he played for the Eagles. He was, as I've said over and over, a very good neighbor and very nice to the kids. (Correction: He was very nice to the kids. Pablo, his bodyguard, who is the size of a tractor trailer, spends most of his employed hours glowering over T.O.'s shoulders at anytime who comes within inches of the man.) I was there when Mr. Owens did his bare-shirted push ups in his front yard. (I was also there to clean up the trash that the media left following that little scene on my own front yard.) I remember thinking it wouldn't be much longer before a For Sale sign went up on T.O.'s front lawn when he was caught on camera blasting Donovan McNabb during a (several?) games. McNabb wasn't the first quarterback that T.O. dissed publicly; he also questioned the sexuality of Jeff Garcia of the 49'er's (...if it walks like a rat, and smells like a rat...) before being released by the Eagles. But Creepy Jerry "took a chance" on T.O. He was going to reform him, and his young upstart of a quarterback was going to be part and parcel of the arrangement. While McNabb and Garcia would, by normal standards, be considered men, no one's quite sure just what Tony Romo is...youthful playboy? talented by technically sometimes terrible quarterback? a future Hall of Famer? After losing in their bid for a Super Bowl berth last year, T.O. tearfully defended his quarterback publicly, quite a change from the loudmouth who had no problem dissing the "men" he'd worked with before. And during all of this, Jerry Jones was delighted. He gets a ton of free publicity from T.O. and Pac Man Jones, publicity that would normally cost upwards of millions of dollars. Those Cowboys, they're always in the news - but rarely for good reasons.

Physically, Jerry Jones reminds me way too much of Frank Purdue, the Salisbury, Maryland chicken king who passed away a few years ago. Perhaps it's the beak-like nose, the sharp, pointy features, the way his skin appears to have been scraped with sandpaper, the icky, bad teeth (with all of his money, he can't do better with his dental care?) I just get a chill looking at Jerry Jones, and it's definitely a cold, clammy one...

Now that Team Obliterator has been redeemed, or at least is a work in progress, Jones turned his attention to another colorful soul, Adam ('Don't Call Me Pac Man") Jones. Other than his unique moniker, many of us know Pac Man Jones more for his off-field work than that on the turf. We know that he is a big fan of strip clubs, and of the food served at said strip clubs. We know that he is not unfamiliar with a gun. We know that he, like T.O., has that certain sense of self-entitlement that "really good" players deserve, in their minds. Because they're athletically gifted, we can and should forgive them ... pretty much anything.

At least, that's what Creepy Jerry would like us to believe. There is no such thing as a "bad boy", only one who hasn't had a TON of Jerry Jones' money spent on his redemption. C.J. has his own little version of Boys' Town going on down there in Dallas. If there's a player who's really gifted but also really, really emotionally/mentally/morally disturbed, why, Uncle Jerry has the answer for you: money. We'll spend it on your contract. We'll spend it on round the clock security. We'll spend it on as many therapists and life coaches and mental and substance abuse counselors as there are in the Lone Star state. We need you to win. You don't have to be 100% of a person - just a really, really good player.

HBO featured the Cowboys this pre-season in their series called, I believe, "Two A Days". While I'm certain the series was highly edited, it actually featured more of Jerry Jones (yes, he is the owner, president and manager) than it did of coach (in name only only, I believe) Wade Phillips. There was Jones calling young players and rookies into his conference suite for one on one meetings and 'get to know's'. Perhaps the funniest segment was the one that featured Jones' grandchild running amok during training camp, with T.O. attempting valiantly to be funny and 'bond' with these kids. The kids were running around being general nuisances while T.O. actually 'hosed' them down lightly with a water hose. It was kind of pathetic to see Owens trying to make some kind of goofy, fun bond with kids who appeared to be totally spoiled, obnoxious brats. While all of this was taking place, Jones was off on the sidelines during a scrimmage, chatting away with an assistant coach. For once I almost felt sorry for T.O. Mugging for the cameras, mugging for the kids, sweating profusely, he was trying to be a 'good guy' by paying attention to the future heirs of the Cowboys franchise. The kids, on the other hand, for the most part ignored Owens or outright laughed at him. Creepiness in the Jones family must be an inherited genetic trait...

Jones' physical appearance isnt' the only thing that gives me cold shivers. He didn't get to be a man of his wealth by playing nice, or even fair. He's carried on that highly competitive streak with the Cowboys, literally buying them whatever players the team needs, pretty much at any cost. Wonder if he checks with Bum's boy when he does? I doubt it.

Beak Man is my candidate for most physically and morally bankrupt owner of an NFL franchise. It wouldn't surprise me one whit to see a "Breaking News" flash come streaming across ESPN stating that Jones had been given a pretty bad beat-down by one or more of the "boys" he "bought" for America's Team....