Why Do Kids Let Bullies Hurt Them?

In this day and age all talk regarding kids and teens seems to be centered on bullying. What is it? What can we do to stop it? How do we control it? But it seems to me that no one is asking the question that really needs to be asked: Why are our kids letting it affect them so much?

I don't know about you, but I grew up in a time when bullying seemed just as rampant as it is today. Kids were made fun of for every reason under the sun, from the shape of their bodies to their sexual orientation. There was a story here and there in the news about the situation but it was few and far between, nothing like it is today. This well-known quote, widely accredited to Eleanor Roosevelt, was often spoken: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." So why are our kids so upset?

I don't have that answer. There are a lot of things that I'd like to be able to say. I wish I could point to a single parenting technique or movement that brought this about. But that would be too easy. These kids who are so sorely affected by our youngest generation's bullies are coming from all walks of life. This isn't something centered in one subset of the population.

But I have noticed one fact that seems disturbingly similar. In my childhood when kids were extremely upset over something to the point of self-mutilation or suicide there seemed to be a mantra: there was no one to listen to them, no one knew how they felt, and nobody heard them. And these kids today, they may be upset over the actual bully behavior, but perhaps that isn't the whole story. Maybe kids today aren't that different than they were ten or fifteen years ago. Maybe they just want someone to talk to who will actually hear them.

Now, I'm not joking myself here. I'm not saying that a kid is going to go from closed off to open book just because their parent starts with the grilling. But the pathways of communication need to be there in order for any actual dialogue to occur. So, your kid doesn't want to sit down and talk to you at the dinner table? So what? What kid does? Text him. Email her. Utilize technology to get into your kids' world and thus their heads. Play a video game with your teen, go to a 3D movie with your child. We have to take part in our children's lives in order for them to feel at ease to talk about what gets them down. We shouldn't judge in any way. We need to remember that our kids know us better than we know them. And what we say (and even what we don't) can cut our children down quicker and more efficiently than any bully. Or we can be one of the people who pull them up out of that despair and away from the feeling of loneliness and exile and into the world where who they are is valid and most of all, ok.

And maybe, once we've opened these lines of communication, brought it down to the kids' level as opposed to forcing them onto our ground and then requiring a confession, well maybe then we can get down to the bottom of what it is really about. Why are the kids letting the bullying hurt so much? I'm willing to bet though, with someone in their corner, listening to them, talking to them, reacting with them, it might just not matter that much after all.