Why Kids Shouldn't Abandon Their Blankets

Children cling on to the oddest things. I had friend who once told me that he used to carry around a pair of smelly gym socks when he was a kid. Reason? because they belonged to his brother that went and joined the army.

Touching, isn't it? too bad it's not true. The little weirdo just liked the funky scent of vile footwear. As it turns out, he was an only child. Upon learning the truth behind this sob story, I promptly back handed the liar and taunted him till he ran away crying.

My vigilante antics aside, I feel some objects of a child's affection could be used long term. One such object is, as this article's title suggests, a blanket. At this point you might be thinking "how can a piece of cloth, covered in multiple layers of saliva and snot, be of any use to me now?"

Two words: Biodegradable shield.

Years of built up saliva and boogers enhance the durability of cloth. What scientific proof do I have of this? The scientific proof of stop asking so many bloody questions! All naysayers should hold their tongues till I'm finished. Otherwise I'll be forced to go to your houses and test my theory on your fragile valuables.

Speaking of breaking things for little to no reason, That's how I came upon this groundbreaking technological advancement. What I broke and who's home I was in at the time isn't really that important. I've seen the porer of semi-petrified fabric, and it's quite impressive.

Because of this, a blanket can be used as a shield or blunt object. I stand firm in my belief of muggings and corny local car ads becoming non-existent if people continued to to carry blankets with them daily. Women could easily immobilize men when attacked, and Used car salesmen would go into hiding after seeing the potentially fatal smack down I'd lay on a crash test dummy as part of my infomercial.

If I wanted make money off this idea, I's pull out all the stops. Not only would my infomercial feature Billy "I'm yelling at the camera because I REALLY want to sell this crap!" Mays, but It'll have the ShamWOW guy, Jane Fonda, George Foreman, Puff Daddy and 65 other people who tried to sell crap I didn't want to hear about on TV over the past 6 years.

Thing is, I don't want to get a patent and make people pay for aged cloth. I am more about helping my fellow man and woman by giving semi-humorous information, that may or may not be useful without the help of witchcraft or space age polymers.

You're welcome.