Why Madonna Should Adopt Me

Allow me to step out from behind my "Wizard of Oz" like curtain of news parody, gentle reader. (And I mean "reader" literally judging from my weekly page views.) And allow me to address one reader in particular, Madonna Louise Ciccone. (Yes, the contradiction is not lost on me that in the same paragraph I claim an anemic readership I also claim that one of the most influential, not to mention Gumby in a microwave melting cougarishess, pop icons reads my work.)

In short, Madonna adopt me!

My first reason is the ego commingled with insecurity that my opening paragraph represents, very much like Madonna herself.

My second reason, both my parents died tragically early at 82 and 87. So, I'm an orphan.

I know what you're thinking. There is one obvious item that needs to be immediately addressed. Most of you know that I'm from Massapequa, Queens not Malawi. Though both start with the letter "M", it's really not a compelling case for adoption. However, I am Jewish, and I've got the GERD to prove it. As you know, Madonna is a student of Kabbalah. Sure, being from Queens, this bears about as much resemblance to my culture as buying jewelry retail. Hey, it's one of those things where kids wouldn't be kids if they didn't give parents grief.

I also realize that Mom (See, I'm thinking positively here.) adopts children from Africa because she feels the need to take them out of those underdeveloped countries, bringing them into the West for a better life. Some may call it cultural imperialism. Why not just donate money to humanitarian efforts in said celebrity discovered underdeveloped country du jour? I say, cut Mom some slack. Oprah tried that, and her schools have more scandal surrounding them than John Mark Karr does on a trip to Thailand.

Getting back to my point, I'm not from one of those countries. But I am needy, and I've got twenty-five years of therapy bills to prove it. I even had one therapist give up, not on me...on the entire profession because of me. So orphans of Malawi top that! I'll bet none of you have even been in therapy.

True, at going on 57, I would be the oldest child, even older than Mom. But after seeing "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button", I don't see that as much of a problem. And I can baby sit, saving Mom money to adopt more children. Win-Win.

Finally, while my heart is set on being Ed E. Druckman-Ciccone, if Madonna just doesn't want me. (Oh the pain!), this same line of reasoning works perfectly for Aneglina Jolie.