Why Men Act the Way They Do: A Man's Opinion

If you are reading this far, you might want to know a man's opinion on why he is the way he is. As a man who has been married twice, has 3 children, and has been in his share of trouble, I think I might have gained some insight on this recently.

The Discovery

I was at the local bar with a varied group of friends ranging in age from 21 to 60 and we decided to get to the bottom of why women don't understand us and offer up some interesting drunken theories. Some of these actually made a great deal of sense to all of us even the next week. This is why I am writing about it. Nobody wants to hear stupid drunks rambling about nonsense so when after a few week, some of our group were using these theories to explain our actions to our wives, I thought we might be on to something. Now this isn't going to be a highly technical piece and will not apply to all men. It will however, help explain the actions of your typical scruffy looking, "man's man" type.

The Theories

Pirate Theory:

As little as 200 years ago, there was an enormous amount of piracy going on in the Atlantic Ocean and the Carribean. 200 years is a very, very short time in the grand history of human beings. Piracy was the epitome of the human man's being. It fulfilled all of our basic needs, wants, desires, and instincts. Men were free to murder, rape, pillage, loot, get drunk, and cause general destruction at their leisure and when it was profitable. This was even sponsored by various warring governments at that time. I won't get into pirate history but this was one of the last times in all of history when a man could ...well....act like a man. Deep down, many of us modern men still have a strong urge for adventuring but there is nothing left. Everything has been discovered, mapped, and completed. Following the pirate theory, many men wander around life without ever experiencing a fulfillment they need because it just does not exist anymore. They become irritating and the "Get off my lawn" types as they age but never figure out why. This seemed reasonable to all of us so we dubbed it "Pirate Theory".

Cave Theory:

A great desire of many men is to have more freedom. This comes in many forms from fishing and camping trips or even the coveted "Day alone at home". This is one of the things that can be hard to get because you have to work, give attention to your wife, play with the kids, etc.. Even when you get a nice 4 day weekend it never fails you will have to move furniture for an in-law or you wife has planned the whole thing out already. Even if you plan the 4 day weekend yourself, chances are wives and kids will be there. Men really need time alone. Even a good 4 hour break once a week would do wonders for you man's spirit and general well being. Wives, take all the kids to a matinee or a 2 hour drive to some pond, lake, river, beach, McDonalds, we really don't care where you go. Just go! We like to think of this as "Cave Time". Cave time lets us actually relax and maybe do some pointless task we want to do without being interrupted every 10 minutes for something stupid. Ever try to put together an entertainment center when there are wives and toddlers around? It's miserable. When the project is finished, you are just glad to be done with it. On the other hand, if it gets put together while nobody is around, we like to say things like "Look what I did!" and show it off when you come home. It's a very small thing but really lets us feel accomplished and proud. It's hard to be proud of our work when it took 3 hours and every 5 minutes is "Stop that!", "Put the screwdriver down!", "Knock it off!". This is the basic of Cave Theory. Give us some time to ourselves when you can. We appreciate it and will do the same for you. Just don't use it in a fight or it's all ruined. If the wife says "I took the kids and blah blah blah so you could be alone", it will be purged from our brains instantly.

Destruction Theory:

We were skeptical about this one at first but truly it goes hand in hand with the others and makes a lot of sense. Deep down, men have an innate desire to destroy, hurt, blow up, and just break stuff. The stuff varies but you have to admit, there is great satisfaction in annihilation. Fishing actually slid into this category for some of us since technically we are pulling small creatures from their homes and beating them on the head with a stick before we eat them. Pretty destructive yet great fun! Hunting is the same as fishing but the gun is more satisfying than a fishing pole and stick. This particular theory doesn't apply to a large group but you know these guys and might be one yourself. As an experiment, my friend bought a "Slam man" from an infomercial. This is a human shaped punching bag that lights up in different places. As they light up, you hit them. He used to cause a bit of property destruction when he got upset but since he got the "Slam man" he hasn't had any breakdowns at all. He would throw things and get easily frustrated. Now he has an object to take out his irritation on when his metric tools get mixed with standard or any other type of frustration inducing thing occurs.

These were the 3 main theories we accepted. There were more but they were more detailed and specialized. Dog theory was offered up by one member of our group. Basically he thought men were basically large dogs that needed entertainment. I won't get into that but some women will definitely like that comparison. The only ways we could figure out to satiate these urges are listed below:

If your man is a Pirate, he is going to need guidance to find a good adventurous activity. They can be hard to motivate at first but will be thankful when they find something they enjoy doing. Rock climbing, trail hiking, and most outdoor activities that involve good physical exercise are best for these types. They will enjoy the activites better in small groups of like minded men.

The Cave theory actually applies to most independant men. We all want some time to ourselves and maybe some quiet. Not a ton, all the time but just try giving us a break now and then. A day with NO chores is good also.

The destructive man needs an outlet. Whether it's a gym membership, boxing club, or martial arts, there is something out there that would be perfect for your man and let him take out some aggression. The gym works because if you are too tired, the odds are you won't want to be a prick.

Well that is all the insight I can offer at this time. Who knows what some more beer with these guys will bring out, but those are the basics. Men are not complicated. We like food, sleep, love, and some quiet. We are fairly easily persuaded to do many things as you ladies know. We can be talked into stuff but please follow through. If we go to the Opera with you and expect a drunken poker game the next day, let us have our drunken poker game.

Chances are if you have little boys at home you might notice some of the above theories in their behavior. They need the same things men do so get them into the proper activities. They will thank you for it some day.