Why Men Cheat

I can't tell you how often women have stopped me to ask the same question. Time after time I'm approached and asked, "Why do men cheat?" Naturally, I respond, "To get a higher SAT score." Because it's all about the college you can get into. Then the women explain to me that what they want to know is why men cheat on their women. It's one of those questions that everyone demands an answer to, but nobody wants to know it. Men cheat for the same reason that they climb Everest, because it's there.

The life cycle is pretty much this: You're born, you get married, and you die. Now, if one can put off getting married, you put off death itself. So you see, the fear of commitment is really a fear of death. And you can't get angry with a guy for being afraid of death, can you? Of course you can.

But once that man is committed, a whole other series of fears and desires kick in. Men are haunted by the concept of the "road not taken." What if we had stayed single? What if we had met someone else? What if I had patented my pet rock idea before that novelty company did? Man, I'd be looking at some serious change then. But I digress. This question, "what if," just echoes around in a man's mind until it can only be addressed by deep inner contemplation or a kickin' tailgate party.

So cheating is sort of like a side trip, an off-road SUV quickie on the path not taken. It's a chance to get out of our rut and do some rutting. This is also reason men don't ask for directions when they drive. We just figure that we'll come across a destination that is just as good, if not better, than the one you were heading for.

The "other woman" represents what we don't have. The woman is no better or worse than our spouse, but she's not our spouse. And that represents possibilities. It represents alternatives. It represents another reality, far from the soul-sucking existence that is our day-to-day, 9-to-5, credit card debited life. Hey, who wouldn't go for another reality once in a while? Isn't that what episode after episode of "Star Trek" tells us? Why would "Star Trek" lie to us?

Then comes the mid-life crisis. Mid-life crisis is all of our lingering doubts, lost youth and missed opportunities rolled into one with prostrate trouble tossed in for good measure. In fact, once men reach a certain age, mid-life crisis pretty much explains everything we do. Bought a red sports car? Mid-life crisis. Quit the job to learn how to surf? Mid-life crisis. Diddle with the intern? Well, you see the pattern.

Another reason men cheat is because you women make it so darn hard not to. I mean look at you there, with your luxurious hair and shapely shape and eyes that are like pools of warm, inviting chocolate, with glistening lips that need to be kissed and kissed hard. There's just too many of you to resist. Admit it, the odds were against us from the get-go. That's why Muslims cover up their womenfolk, to keep temptation away. So, what's it going to be, girls, dealing with a little infidelity or wearing a burka?

I mean, face it, monogamy is really, really hard. My wife will agonize for hours over which pair of shoes to buy for a wedding two months from now yet I'm supposed to pick one woman for the rest of my life. Next week my wife will head back to the shoe store to exchange those shoes for another pair. And I'm left holding the handbag.

Also, men have very short attention spans. Any woman who has tried to tell us about their last trip to the mall and the argument she had with the sales clerk knows this. If a man winds up talking to a woman, we get very into the moment. We are quickly distracted (see eyes, chocolate pool-like; see shape, shapely above) and frankly, everything else goes right out the old cranium. Family, responsibility, picking up bread and milk; it all just melts out of our heads. The concept that a woman might be attracted to us and like us not because they are legally obligated to is quite intoxicating. Not tailgate party-league, but up around there.

Personally, I blame it all on the sixties. How many times can you listen to "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with" and not get affected? The decade of the sixties was a time to fight the power, question authority, break with tradition and start a revolution. What we didn't realize is we were supposed to get rid of all the bourgeois, middle-class mores...except the one about remaining monog-committed to some woman forever. Really, people should have mentioned that. Those "A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle" bumper stickers didn't exactly clear things up either, you know. And not for nothing, we couldn't cheat at all without a woman there to help us. You ladies had better get your act together before you go foisting all the blame on us.

However, cheating is bad and nothing good comes from it. It wreaks havoc across the relationship matrix: emotionally, spiritually, culturally, financially. Especially financially. Can if be forgiven? Perhaps. It's a momentary lapse of judgment, a weak moment, a fantasy acted upon. To quote Woody Allen, "The heart wants what it wants and mine wanted Soon-Yi. Soon-Yi, what else would you like with your Happy Meal?"

In the end, ladies, it's not about you. Men don't cheat to replace a spouse, because, face it, trading one wife for another is like trading one pair of burlap underwear for another: what's the point? Sorry, ladies. It's not easy being shallow and complicated at the same time. Now if you'll excuse me, Netflix just delivered by DVD of "The Guide for the Married Man."