Why Are Nice Girls so Often Attracted to Wild Guys?

There are almost an infinite number of reasons why people are attracted to one another. Most of these reasons are hidden from our conscious awareness. While romantic attraction can be boiled down to a simple set of causes, several common psychological factors may help to explain why the nice, sweet, quiet, charming, churchgoing girl is often attracted to the wild, hairy, rebellious, motorcycle-riding dropout.

One of the psychological principles that best explains this phenomenon is the principle of shadow. Each of us has a dominant, visible and public part of our personality that we present to the world. This public part expresses a reliable consistent and more or less predictable self.

But we also have a private, hidden and largely unconscious dimension to our personality. This is called our shadow side, and it represents a kind of polar opposite of our public self. Our shadow side is made up of our antisocial impulses - those mean, hostile and totally uncharacteristic urges we occasionally feel but rarely admit to or act upon. If we completely repress our shadow side and never acknowledge these urges, even to ourselves, we eventually find ourselves mysteriously attracted to persons who act out these urges in their lives. (This same principle explains the fascination some people have with entertainment that features violence, aggression, torture and other antisocial behavior.)

In the case of our quiet, charming "Miss Nice," she has repressed her rebelliousness for fear of losing her parents' love. Her urge to rebel is a part of her shadow side, which she hides from her consciousness because it is too inconsistent with her self-concept. Her shadow side thus finds its glorious expression in her boyfriend's defiance and bravado.

She is thrilled and exhilarated every time he does something that shocks and defies the authorities. He has the nerve to tell people off, something she has always dreamed of doing but could never do, or even admit to wanting to do. The entire situation may be best understood as vicarious rebellion. She also tells her astonished parents that she has seen a kind heart underneath her boyfriend's grease and that she knows that she has just the loving touch to bring out this kindness and his true inner goodness. She may even confront her parents by gently reminding them of all the lessons they taught her about love and about accepting all people, regardless of their race, economic background, and social status and so on.

As a rule, marriages between nice girls and wild boys do not turn out well. Miss Nice discovers, much to her regret, that her love is not a magical portion after all and that she is powerless to reform a rebel. She was attracted to him, in part, by the tantalizing prospect of reforming him into someone her parents would approve of. Once she realizes that she cannot change him into the soft, gentle, well-mannered and responsible person of her dreams, she becomes angry and depressed. He, on the other hand, soon finds her to be petty, fault finding nag. He also realizes that she is boring, now that her thirst for adventure has given way to the more conventional lifestyle of her parents.

If your daughter falls in love with this wild boy, this rebellious outcast, don't expect to talk her out of her feelings easily. You may, however, be able you help her explore some of the reasons for her attraction - if she will listen to reason. But be careful that you do not presume to know what is in her heart.