Why You Should Not Punish Your Child for Having Accidents

"When my child has accidents, he gets punished because he is old enough to know better." "My child is still going to the bathroom on himself, and I'd have thought he'd outgrow it by now, since he is well past the age of potty training." "My child has been potty trained for such a long time, and all of the sudden, he has started having accidents. I've taken away privileges. I've used every punishment in the book to get him to stop having the accidents; however, nothing seems to work." "I've been potty training for quite some time now, but my child still is having accidents. When will this end? When will he grow up and use the toilet like a big kid? I'm so sick and tired of dealing with this." These are some common expressions that are said by parents all over. They are either frustrated that their child is not remaining accident free; or, they cannot understand why all of the sudden, their children, who have been potty trained for so many years begin having accidents. Universally, parents resort to punishments for their children, thinking that it is the best way to get the accidents to stop. What they do not realize is that this is entirely the wrong way to go about dealing with the issue at hand. If you are a parent of a child who has not remained accident free despite your best efforts: or, if your long since potty trained child has began having accidents, you'll definitely want to continue reading and learn why it is not wise to punish your child for having accidents, no matter his age, no matter the situation, or no matter how long he has been potty trained.

Accidents in a Long since Potty trained Child

If your long since potty trained child has just began having wetting accidents, the accidents can be caused by several factors. One could be that a medical problem has developed. For instance, if your child has began wetting his pants, seldom making it to the bathroom and needing to urinate urgently and frequently, perhaps, he has either developed a urinary tract infection or a bladder infection. An overactive bladder can also be the source of frequent wetting accidents. According to the Urology Channel, one of the most reputable resources online concerning medical problems having to do with the urinary tract, the symptoms of a urinary tract infection in children are "flank or lower back pain (with a kidney infection), frequent urination inability to produce more than a small amount of urine at a time, incontinence, pain in the abdomen or pelvic area, painful urination (dysuria)," or "urine that is cloudy or has an unusual smell." (Khouri, M.D., Swierzewski, III, M.D.) There will be times when not all of these symptoms are present. Just because all are not present does not mean that a urinary tract infection is not the cause. This is the reason it is good to get a professional opinion from a doctor rather than assuming that all is well with your child and that he is doing all of this on purpose. I can tell you from personal experience of having gazillion urinary tract infections as a child that it will not always be painful. Frequent urination is sufficient reason enough to be tested by a doctor. And sometimes, your child will have the feeling that he has to urinate, even if the need is not present. I've been there and done that, also.

The Symptoms of a bladder infection, according to that same article are very similar, since bladder infections are the result of the bacteria from urinary tract infection moving down into the bladder. Frequent urination can be accompanied by sharp pain or burning in the bladder (Khouri, M.D., Swierzewski, III, M.D.). I know this, too, from personal experience. Just like in the case of the urinary tract infection, the pain is not always there; yet, this does not mean that there is nothing wrong, hence the reason that a doctor should be consulted.

Sometimes, wetting accidents can be caused by nerves due to living in a stressful family dynamic or school related stress, such as tests, mean teachers or bullying. And though you may not want to hear this, your child may be subjected to abuse that he is not telling you about. Of course, this is the least common cause but should never be ruled out. Talk to your child to see if this is the case. It will give you peace of mind, especially if he tells you that everything is fine and has confirmed it. If there is, in fact, abuse going on, you will be able to protect your child in the best way possible and remedy the situation, giving your child the necessary support to recover and remain strong (I know that abuse or stress can cause accidents, since I've witnessed a number of childhood friends endure horrific abuse, which caused them to have accidents as a result. At least, this is what they were told by their psychiatrists and therapists. When they were removed from the situation, everything improved, and the accidents ceased completely.).

In any of these cases, punishing your child for having a wetting accident will not correct the problem. Let's say that there is a urinary tract infection or a bladder infection present. While you are spending the time to punish your child thinking it is going to do some good, the infection is getting worse. If left untreated due to thinking that it is defiance or laziness, complications can arise, and they can become as severe as a kidney infection, which could cause permanent damage to the kidneys (Khouri, M.D., Swierzewski, III, M.D.). If overactive bladder is the cause, and you are just punishing your child thinking that it will cure the situation, his self confidence will be damaged, as he is being punished for something he has no control over. Overactive bladders always always need treatment; they cannot be managed by any other means, such as the denial of fluids or unpleasant consequences, scolding, humiliation, or physical punishment. If the wetting accidents are caused by stress or nerves, punishing your child for accidents could aggravate the situation and make matters that much worse, since more stress will be put on the child for being punished for something he does not understand. Not to mention, punishments will not address the situation that is causing the stress that is the cause of the wetting accidents.

Bowel accidents can also be caused by medical problems or stress. Some typical medical problems that could be the cause are chronic constipation, certain diseases and conditions, such as Chrome's Disease, food allergies, Celiac's Disease, Inflammatory Bowel Disease, or nerve damage just to name a few. A good article, Fecal Incontinence: Causes, will provide you with a wealth of information concerning the causes of bowel accidents.

There are also times that children do not want to stop what they are doing to go to the bathroom, so they may wet or mess on themselves instead. While parents may think that punishing them will put a stop to the accidents in this case, it could make matters worse, as a power struggle may ensue. Not to mention, you cannot control what a person does with their bodily functions, no matter the age. And if parents punish or scold, the children may just continue to do it to let you know that you cannot control what they do with their bodies. If the children stop, they will feel like they have let the parents win over them.

If you have a child who is doing this, don't feel discouraged because there is a way that the situation can be remedied in such a way that is peaceful for all involved. What you'd do in this case is make him responsible for the cleanup. This way, you will not have to become frustrated with cleaning up accidence that is caused by laziness, if this is actually the problem. In due time, your child will get tired of cleaning wet and soiled clothing, and he will stop. This is also one situation when peer pressure is beneficial, as he will do what his peers desire and stop being lazy and use the bathroom. But, don't just jump to the conclusion thinking that your child is just being lazy. Cover all bases first. Ask your child what is going on. He may outright admit that he is doing this because he wants to or because he does not feel like stopping what he is doing. NO matter what he says to you, do not lose your cool. Take it in stride and apply the advice given here.

Accidents in a Child since Potty Training

You are working on potty training your child; however, he just cannot seem to stay dry. Do not become frustrated because this could be caused by a number of reasons. One could be that your child suffers from an overactive bladder. Without some form of treatment or management, one cannot control an overactive bladder. Until it is treated or managed, you can look forward to ions of frustration, raised blood pressure, and a sore throat from yelling your head off, and your child can look forward to loads of punitive treatment. Because this is not good for either of you, it is best to get this problem treated or managed in the best way possible.

Another reason that your child could have a lot of wetting accidents and cannot manage to stay dry during potty training is that his bladder may be too small for his body. Often times children's bodies grow faster than their bladders, which will cause the child to urinate frequently due to the bladder not being able to hold the fluid that is necessary for the body's processes. In this case, the only thing you can do is be patient. If the child is old enough, let's say four years of age; put him in charge of cleanup. This will not only empower him and make him feel like he is in control of what is going on, you will have less frustration, as you will not be bothered with any part of it.

Whatever situation you and your child find yourselves in, it will not ever do any good to punish your child for having accidents. It is also good to remember that age has nothing to do with whether or not your child should be having accidents, especially if it is not his fault. The thought of a child being too old for accidents is just a myth, and it should not ever, ever be the excuse to overlook an underlying problem. The best things you can do are keep a clear head, be patient, and extend as much love as your child needs. In due time, the situation will be resolved: or, if a medical problem is present, it will be managed or treated, and all of you can move on with your lives and be happy.

Sources

Khouri, M.D., Daniel., Swierzewski, III, M.D., Stanley, J. "Urinary Tract Infection (UTI)." Urology Channel. 10 Apr 2008. 21 Jun 2009 .