Why I Should Not Take My Dog to Work

For this tongue-in-cheek (or is it?) list of reasons not to take your dog to work, I will be thinking about my own dog and my old office job. For reference purposes, my dog is a sleek and shiny Boston Terrier and my old office job involved a semi-corporate environment with some mixed signals about what was or was not appropriate office behavior.

-Like I said, my dog is a sleek and shiny fellow. Furthermore, he boasts a stylish piebald coat. Just in case you didn't know, 'piebald' is a fancy way to say black & white. On top of his debonair good looks, he is delightfully lively (okay fine, some might call him hyper) and adorably affectionate. Due to this festive combination platter of attractive character traits, I imagine such a dog might provoke jealousy amongst embittered or automaton-like office workers. Best to keep him away from their droning ranks.

-Even if my dog did not elicit jealousy amongst office workers, his energetic personality very well might distract them from their seemingly endless games of computer Solitaire or fantasy football, not to mention the office rumor mill and schmoozing. My dog does not abide by schmoozing. Nor does he like politically correct rhetoric or excess usage of acronyms. He prefers straightforward and authentic interactions. I guess this means he does not belong in the office.

-I've noticed that some office workers become overly excited about cake that is brought in for special occasions. Well, if they get that worked up over office cake, how overly excited might they become about a new living creature suddenly in the midst of their space? They might maul him with misplaced enthusiasm. This would be bad for office productivity and for my dog.

-Although my dog is regularly vaccinated for distemper, parvo, and other doggie disorders, he has never been given the vaccine for corporate cooties. They might be contagious and then he might turn into some sort of unfortunate robot-like entity with a fetish for office supplies. Nothing against robots or office supplies, but I like my dog the way he is. I wouldn't want his backbone to turn into a three-hole punch. Nor would I like him to become a pale facsimilie of his former self.

-My dog would be bored out of his pretty little gourd in the office. Microwaveable Ramen noodles, snack pack pudding, ergonomic desk chairs, a never ending stream of sticky notes and other paper trails, and black pleated pants are not his scene. He does not deserve to be confined to a cubicle; he's worthy of more creative space to roam and bury his bones.