Why Parodies or Spoof Movies Are Some of the Worst Movies Ever

My eyes gazed at this hideous sight in utter disbelief. It was unbelievable. How could someone possibly be that cruel to do something so awful to the world? Who was responsible for such a travesty? I felt my head begin to ache, and my stomach begin to twist with anguish.

I'm not the only one who had this reaction when I heard about the upcoming film, "Disaster Movie," and no matter how many times these awful parody movies are universally panned by critics and viewers alike, there is apparently a small group of rich 12-year-old conspirators, who give these movies the green light.

If you don't know what I'm talking about, then allow me to explain. It all started in the year 2000, (maybe the world did end, hmm?) when a little production called "Scary Movie" was released. A new take on spoof films and parodies that the world had never seen before, and so we all thought it was hilarious. It took situations from popular horror movies and put a clever comedic spin on them. After the success of the first film, in 2001, "Scary Movie 2" was released. It wasn't as popular, but it was still humorous at times. Still watchable... well, sort of.

Nobody was ready for what came next.

In late 2003, Scary Movie 3 was released with a unanimous "Really, Why?" from every intelligent person in the United States, but we didn't do anything. The beast grew stronger and we did nothing to prevent it. Scary Movie 3 was beyond abysmal, it was a travesty to modern film. It was a travesty all films. It was a travesty to bad films, relying mostly on fart jokes, vomit, and celebrity cameos to get through the excruciating 84 minutes.

After that, things REALLY got bad. Three years later, we got "Date Movie," by this point I had begun to wise up, and had firmly declared that I would not be going to see this one. However, my brother saw it over the weekend with a girlfriend. As you can expect, they broke up the following day. Now, I'm not saying that it's because of the movie, but it couldn't have helped. "Date Movie" was received far worse than any of the previous movies. It flopped, it bombed, it sunk, and we thought we were safe. The beast was defeated.

However, just like a movie, the beast is never actually dead. It's just waiting to attack you when you least expect it. Apparently, we least expected it a year later, when in January of 2007, "Epic Movie" was released. Same movie, same jokes, SAME MOVIE!

January 2008, we get "Meet the Spartans," and once again people are saying to me, "Wow, that movie was so stupid." and I'm replying to them, "Of course it was stupid. Did you really expect to see an intelligent movie?"

After "Meet the Spartans," we thought we were safe again. Nobody would do that again. Hollywood isn't dumb enough to... wait. If years and years of watching movies, and studying English has taught me anything, it's that the words, "Hollywood isn't dumb enough..." cannot appear in a sentence together. And this universal rule was proved once again, when a short 7 months later, we were all informed of the upcoming film, "Disaster Movie." This movie starring Kim Kardashian. If you don't know who that is, let me sum up by saying, she's a friend of Paris Hilton. Yep, that says it all. Also, she became "famous" in the same way that Paris Hilton did. That's all I'm going to say. This movie may have been made after watching a handful of movie trailers, and written over a weekend... or an afternoon.

I think America is largely populated by masochists, because people keep going to see these movies, and as long as they are even slightly profitable, they will keep being made.

So, back to my original question: Who has done this to us?

The culprits are two guys (both surprisingly, over the age of twelve) who either find themselves funny or who hate the human race. Jason Friedburg and Aaron Seltzer are helping to push along the decline of western society and they're doing it with ease. I say that because, it is literally harder to watch these movies than it is to write them.

I recently discovered a movie called, "American Poop." I didn't watch it, but I can honestly say, without an ounce of doubt in my mind, that "Disaster Movie" makes "American Poop" look like "Citizen Kane."

In conclusion, these movies are an offense against God, the Human race, film, Earth, life, philosophy, existence, itself, and everything else currently in existence.