Why Pay to Smoke when Second-Hand Smoke is Free?

Don't get me wrong. Smoking is delicious. But it's so expensive. Especially since the governor in my home state of Iowa decided it would be a fantastic idea to increase the tax on cigarettes. As if that's all it would take to convince smokers that it's not worth it. Everyone's been telling me these things would kill me since like 1987, but it's getting an extra rip-off that's gonna force me to quit. Most dedicated smokers are desperate enough to find ways around these things. But it hasn't been easy. You practically need to put get financing to buy a carton now.

My first week after the cigarette tax-hike went a little something like this. I blew half the rent on cigarettes. Then I got stressed out about blowing half the rent on cigarettes. So I had to go out and buy more cigarettes. So, in the end, I blew all of the rent money on cigarettes. As a solution, I decided I needed to raise some quick cash. You know, like going "across the border" into Missouri to buy some more cigarettes and then return to set up shop as a cigarette dealer. I could sell cigarettes much cheaper than you can buy them at the stores in Iowa and still make a profit. After figuring out that this was illegal and the cigarette Nazis were bound to catch me, I decided to raise money through more conventional methods. Like competing in tap dance rodeos. After this didn't go so well, I eventually just had to take out a loan to cover the cost of rent, and, let's be honest, of more cigarettes.

The smokers of Iowa are desperate. Some have tried to quit. Most unsuccessfully. My brother-in-law actually went to a hypnotist in his attempt to quit. Really. Now that's true desperation. You put all of your faith in some guy whose greatest accomplishment is his performance at the local senior prom. We don't know yet if my brother-in-law is cured of his smoking addiction, but every time his wife opens the garage door he pees his pants. It's entertaining for us. I don't know if he's happy with the results. He doesn't like to talk about it so much.

Some smokers have tried to argue that the cigarette tax is "unconstitutional," although in their hearts even they know that this argument is ridiculous. I do wonder what all of this cigarette money is being used for? I also wonder if the governor smokes. He must not, but he could probably afford it.

The truth is, I've tried everything. I tried replacing my cigarettes with non-tobacco products. I tried all the classics like chewing gum, hard candy, candy cigarettes (which don't light that well), and plastic pipes with bubble solution in them (don't inhale these). Surprisingly, these things didn't satisfy my cigarette cravings.

I am now working 3 jobs to support my cigarette habit. And I'm still young. By the time the cancer and other diseases kick in, who knows how I'll support myself? It's okay, I'm planning to win the lottery next week. My lottery winnings should be able to buy me enough cigarettes to last...a couple of months.

Here is my latest idea, and I think it will probably work out well. Everyone always complaints about second-hand smoke. I've never looked at it this way until now, but second-hand smoke is free. Maybe I'll just spend my spare time hanging out in smoky venues, like bars and strip clubs, and then I can inhale all the second-hand smoke that I want for free. Sure, it's not as good as a cigarette, but I can afford it. Maybe I can even start a time-share smoking lounge where half of the members bring cigarettes and smoke while the other half just walk around and inhale the smoke. This situation calls for creative measures, and this is pretty much all I've got left.