Why Do People Have Children?

It all started when I was visiting my parents over Easter. After the Easter vittles, and other niceties were dealt with, suddenly the dreaded suggestion arose: "You know, the years are going by...if you don't have a child soon, you won't get another chance."

I must admit, my parents' assumption that I would one day breed was going strong even when I was a kid. I often remember my mother saying "One day, when you have kids, you'll understand why I [insert favorite lesson here]." Later on, while dating, I did let it slip to my then boyfriend that I was not goo-goo material. Conversely, he had a biological clock ticking so loudly it could wake up the neighbors next door. Needless to say, our difference of reproductive opinion broke us up. My folks, meanwhile, stayed hopeful, telling me that one day I'd "change my mind."

Upon my marriage nearly 7 years ago, the bar was raised. Now that I was officially "settled", it was time to get serious with my life and its future. And that meant popping out a few rug-rats. When I balked, I received some interesting reasons for having kids: security in old age, guaranteed friends and, the best reason of all: I wasn't a real woman if I didn't want children.

Now, the last time I checked, I did not find any Y chromosome in my genetic make-up. Sexual identity crisis solved. So, I pushed back with different reasons for my defined non-breeder status: my freedom. I had just spent over half my life trying to get away from the incarceration of my own childhood. Why should I now subject myself to childhood (albeit someone else's) all over again?

What I was unprepared for was for my mother to make an unusual offer: I would have the kid(s), and she would take care of it(them). No babysitting charge. No time limit.

It did cause me to pause and think.

Specifically, I thought about where I might also find a surrogate.

Being 31 years of age now, I have yet to feel the baby-making bug that seems to infect most women around my age (or older). I view this as a definite defect in my evolutionary genetics: if all people felt this way, human life would have ceased to exist millennia ago. Then again, is that necessarily a bad thing? Our environment would definitely be a lot cleaner now. Maybe some other species would've risen to take our place, like turtles. (these turtles would live in the sewers, carry ninja weapons, and wear cool headbands. Yeah!).

However, the turtle theory does not solve the baby theory. Aside from simple instinctual drive, why do most people desire to have children? When we think of the monetary and time costs of giving birth, and then raising children, what could possibly be the incentive? Centuries past, people had children because they provided a great return-on-investment: they would help run the farm, or bring home extra income, or basically be your slaves. Royalty needed children to safeguard their hold on the throne. Peasants and other common folk, having no 401(k), relied on children to take care of them in old age. Nowadays, such defined duties for children no longer exist. So, is there any justification to having them?

I've compiled a few reasons, outlined in this article, on why people continue to have children. These reasons have been gathered through discussions with friends, colleagues, and even my parents. They offer insight into the question no one seems to be asking anymore with regards to having kids: why?

1. Happiness.

There seems to be a prevaling assumption that children equal happiness. However, studies on whether children increase personal and marital happiness often show mixed results (1). The psychologist Daniel Gilbert, in his book Stumbling on Happiness, argues that having children does not make married couples happier, and in fact reduces their overall satisfaction. "People are about as happy interacting with their children, on average, as when they're doing housework. They're much less happy than when they're exercising, sleeping, grocery shopping, hanging out with friends," Gilbert states. "Now, that doesn't mean they don't occasionally create these transcendent moments of joy that we remember as filling our days with happiness."(2)

When the effect of certain life events was equated with receiving a raise at work (the gold standard for increased happiness), researchers found that getting married was the equivalent of a $100,000 raise. Contrarily, getting divorced was equated with losing $66,000 per year. Having children, however, resulted in no net monetary increase or decrease, placing the raise at a value of $0.00 (1,3).

2. Instant friends

Many people argue that children can be your "friends". Having myself been on the receiving end of parents who tried to be my "friends", let me just say that it does not work. First of all, no one whose duties include physical, verbal, and/or other punishment for bad behavior is going become a child's friend. This may shift in later life, when the child has grown up. But, when you are young, your parent needs to be the authoritarian, not the friend.

On the other hand, friends can be acquired, not just birthed. Most of your lasting friendships will occur in your own age group. Sure, you may find a friend who is 20 or 30 years your junior/senior, but what exactly will you have in common with him/her? Can you, a 30-year-old, take an 80-year-old friend white water rafting? Similarly, can you, an 80-year-old, engage your 30-year-old friend in Bingo night without boring him/her to sleep? This is the problem with age discrepancies, not only between friends, but between parents and children as well.

3. Retirement plan

My parents seem to think that children offer an instant retirement plan. What they don't realize is that, even if I were to take care of them one day, it would have to be on their dime. I'm broke. And, even as much as I love my parents, I am not looking forward to being their caretaker for the next 10-20 years. My personal plans involve traveling the world, writing a novel, and finding a way to make a boatload of money. Those plans do not include being secluded in a suburb of Chicago for the remainder of my "youth". Of course I would take of my parents if the need arose. However, it is a grim state of expectations to have children so that one day they'll take care of you.

What I've gleaned from the stories of my friends and colleagues is that they too are unprepared, both financially and mentally, to take care of their folks. Hey, who is? And the ones that have faced this situation have either sent their parents packing to a retirement home, or have just hired caretakers. So much for relying on kids to take care of you!

4. Love

Another interesting argument I've heard is that I should have children because I have so much "love" to give. Well, for far less aggravation, I can adopt a kennel of dogs and give my love to them. Or, give love by working in a soup kitchen. A child, especially one not yet conceived, does not need my love.

People also say that they have children because they "love" children. If that is the case, adoption may be the best solution, since there are so many real children out there that already need our love. Yet, most people will first try to conceive their own child before spreading their love elsewhere. How loving is that?

5. Giving back

I'm especially fond of this argument: you give something "back" to the community by having children. My parents have actually tried to convince me that, given my and my husband's intelligence, we should breed (I am NOT kidding here). This argument tends to go hand-in-hand with another argument: there is something "selfish" about people who don't want kids. Now, what is more selfish: my trying to do what I can for humanity by volunteering, recycling, making charitable contributions, and even teaching youngsters, or by populating this overcrowded world with yet more of my kind, who will end up producing more trash, more pollution, and dwindling down even more of the Earth's precious resources? Diaper genies don't lie: humans can be toxic to the environment.

6. Everybody else is doing it.

You may think that normal, intelligent individuals would not succumb to peer pressure. However, I know of several people who used this single excuse to explain away their progeny. Which of course makes me think of lemmings running off of a cliff. Or my own mother asking, "If everyone jumped out of a window, would you jump too?" Enough said.

7. Making parents happy

I spent the majority of my life making my parents unhappy; why quit now? Besides, when I look at what my parents are really unhappy about, it's hardly the fact that they have no grandkids. Rather, the more common topics of discussion include their health, marriage, finances, work stress, and retirement. I am not unaware that some of those conditions are the result of my own birth. I am also acutely aware of how much it will cost, in terms of my own happiness, in order to make my parents "happy". Frankly, I'd rather just buy them a yacht (not that I can afford it, but I can dream). Or even a week-long hiatus at one of my Dad's favorite fishing spots. That is so much easier to produce than an 8+ lb. bundle of nerves.

8. Unfulfilled dreams

I am positive that unfulfilled dreams fueled my own conception 33 years ago. And my birth pretty much closed the door on any other unfulfilled dreams my parents may have had. Herein lies the reason why I was "encouraged" to excel academically, physically, and career-wise. My mother was standing in line at the bank to open up my college tuition saving account two weeks after my delivery. Weekends were devoted to reading, homework, and career fairs. While I did take advantage of the scholastic atmosphere at my house, the people who could have most benefited were left behind once I went away to college. Bluntly put: don't live your desired life through your kids.

9. Boredom

Romance is quite a head-rush while we are dating our partners, and endures even several years after the marriage. However, once the thrill of being newlyweds wears off, boredom invariably sets in. Sex ceases to be exciting, and its incidence decreases over time. Many people, in an effort to spruce things up, will conceive of the idea of conceiving some kids. And, while raising children can draw a couple closer, it can also cause problems in the marriage. The bottom line: do not have children simply because you are bored with your current situation, or because you are craving attention from your partner or your family. This plan WILL backfire, resulting in even more grief and boredom.

10. Curiosity

Of all the reasons I have been given to have kids, curiosity has not been mentioned by anyone, aside from yours truly. I do, from time to time, wonder what my own child would look like, be like, etc. However, I also wonder what it's be like to quit my job, move to the Caribbean, and live in a hut off the ocean. Or, to work for the Peace Corps. Or, to strangle my husband during one of his snoring episodes (the result: much better sleep for me!). We all have so many things we can experience in this lifetime. More than likely, we will not fulfill all our plans. In the end, whether we choose to have or not have kids, there will be doubts at either end. Personally, I'd rather live out my life having lived well, laughed often, and loved much. I'd rather not live out my life having changed my hundredth diaper, and wiped up my thousandth spit-up!

Sources:

1. Partner + Children = Happiness? An Assessment of the Effect of Fertility and Partnerships on Subjective Well-Being Hans-Peter Kohler Jere R. Behrman Axel Skytthe (2004). http://www.spc.uchicago.edu/prc/pdfs/kohler05.pdf
2. The truth about happiness may surprise you http://www.cnn.com/2006/HEALTH/conditions/11/10/happiness.overview/index.html
3. David G. Blanchflower, Andrew J. Oswald Money, Sex, and Happiness: An Empirical Study NBER Working Paper No. 10499