Why Do People Get Married and How Do They Make it Last?

My husband and I were watching Oprah last night and on this episode-Tyler Perry, Janet Jackson and Jill Scott were discussing Tyler's upcoming movie "Why Did I Get Married?" While watching it we started talking about the different responses to that question. I polled a few of my friends and asked them the question and I received a variety of answers.

"I got married because I was pregnant." "We were both ready to settle down." "I got married because I knew she was the one, right from the start." "I fell in love and was excited not have to be dating any more jerks." "I got married because I met my soul mate and we are best friends. We have great communication and we both agreed on our future and I love and respect him."

For those of you that are not married and are thinking of getting married either very soon or in the near future, have you asked this simple but yet poignant question to your significant other? Why are we getting married? Have you taken the time to discuss possible Red Flag items that you may not have gone through in your current relationship? For example: How will you deal with the loss of one of your incomes? What sacrifices are you willing to make? If you have children or plan to have children, have you discussed and agreed who will care for the children if something should happen to you both?

When my husband and I decided to get married we went to marriage counseling for six months prior to our nuptials. We sat down and discussed finances. We discussed things we didn't like about one other. We asked questions about the things we wondered would change or wouldn't change. We learned how to argue respectfully, and how to diffuse disagreements. We discussed how our family and friends would likely try to input on our relationship, and how we would deal with it. It wasn't easy and there were some times when our meetings weren't pretty but the bottom line for us was we loved each other and we knew no matter what that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. I will also say there are three important C's that are important to any relationship and they are: Compromise, Commitment and Communication. Without these three things NO relationship will work.

A marriage is a joining of not only two people but two families that may or may not come from the same background. Marriage is about compromising -and it's about commitment to the new family you are creating and communicating all the time about everything; the good, the bad, and the ugly. Your spouse should be the person you can share anything and everything with. He/She should be the one person that you come to even when they are the ones that upset you. In all relationships (friends, co-workers, and family members) there is a huge amount of give and take. If you are not aware of this going in, there is no way a marriage can last.

I was married for the first time when I was 18 years old and I didn't know anything about relationships, not to mention the institution of marriage. I realize now (20 years later) that the marriage was doomed from the start. I didn't ask any questions and three years in to the marriage, when he started planning for our big house with the picket fence and the three point five kids, it was over for me. A lot of times, I think that when people get married they are so excited about the romance of being in a committed relationship and all the so called perks of marriage they don't realize they have signed on for a life sentence of work. Day in and day out work, it takes a lot of time, effort and sacrifice to make a marriage work and last. I don't say any of this to take away the wonderful institution that is marriage but I don't believe we are teaching our children the reality of marriage. Our children are being raised in a world today where women are proud to have children out of wedlock and dare you to defy them. In today's world, I don't believe our children are being taught the sanctity of marriage the truly and virtuous commitment that not only is made to one another but to our communities.

When discussing the topic of why marriages have persevered the answers seemed to converge around the three C's. "We work very hard at making it last by constantly communicating. We definitely have our moments where we may not like each other for a few hours, however we continue to communicate."- Joyce Siders married 15 years. Communication, commitment & sacrifice has made our marriage strong."- Jaime Ramos married 17 years. "I am still a very much in love with my husband and he is in love with me. We grew up with each other as we were so young when we got married. We have a great support system, and the mutual love and adoration for our kids just keeps the marriage together."- Gina Moreno-Lewis married 20 years. "Our relationship has lasted because we are both very committed people and family oriented. We love each other dearly and are also willing to put in the work. We communicate, it may not always be constructive but we communicate; neither one of like surprises so we keep the lines of communication open." -Roselle Pompey married 14 years.

I look at my husband and we are in our second year of marriage but our beliefs are the same as the couples that commented above that have been together for over a decade. We believe in the institution of marriage and we know that we will stand through the test of times. Why did I get married? I married my husband because I knew that together we could conquer the world, I knew I didn't want to live another day without him. I married my husband because I matured and knew this was the man I wanted to grow old with. I married my husband because he is my world and I am his.

If and when you decide to get married make the decision with your head and your heart. Take the time to get to know the person that you are marrying. Ask the important questions, and if you don't know the right questions to ask, I would urge you to seek out counseling from a professional. This is not something to take lightly, as our days on this planet are not promised. You should want to spend them with the person that is going to grow with you and enrich your life - Until Death Do You Part!