Why People Over 50 Stay in Bad Marriages

People stay in bad relationships for many different reasons. When I ask my patients why they stay the answer is usually for the kids, financial reasons and occasionally for religious reasons. But even after the kids are grown many stay in unhappy marriages. So why do people who are over 50, are financially secure and are no longer taking care of children, stay in their unhappy marriages? The reality is that there is far more to marriage then sex and love.

Money

While you may feel your marriage is financially secure a spit pot leaves both of you that much less secure. How extreme the fighting would be over money depends on the current steam of income. If one person is doing very well and expects to continue to do so they may be more willing to be somewhat more generous to the other knowing that the older you are when you divorce the harder it will be to start a career if you haven't had one before. But if the incomes are equal or money is getting tight, there could be a serious issue regarding splitting this pot. So serious in fact that it may mean unhappy people stay together.

Grandchildren

As you age you family becomes fewer in number. Your parents have passed and maybe your siblings have also. Your children and grandchildren may be your only family. Holidays are spent together. Birthdays are celebrated. Your kids give you a sense of being connected to someone. Even your spouse gives you that sense of being connected to someone. It may be a hostile connection but you may feel it's better than nothing.

Fear of Being Alone

You've been married all of your life- maybe more than 30 years -and the thought of being alone terrifies you. Many married couples have very few friends. And most of them may be other married couples. So if you leave your marriage you may lose whatever friendships you have. If you are a social couple and enjoy entertaining you will also lose that lifestyle. If you find someone else after a divorce it may be hard for your new mate to feel comfortable with your group. Or they may not be welcome. I know many newly divorced men who suddenly become very physically fit. While that's a good thing, they have joined a gym because they do not want to go home to an empty house and as soon as they reconnect the gym goes by the wayside. They work long hours to avoid coming home to no one. They date people they do not really care for just to have someone. They get into relationships they need rather than relationships they want.

Their relationship is not an important part of their lives

When a relationship is empty for a long time you begin to fill the void with other things. You may love the workshop in the backyard, spend so much time volunteering that you are never home, or have created a life which really does not include your spouse. The marriage is nonexistent except on paper. You don't speak or touch or do anything together. But you stay because having a relationship is not important to you anymore.

It's important that you understand why you are staying in a bad relationship. Being aware of what keeps you in place helps you to appreciate the positive and diminishes the negative. This may no longer be a love relationship but it serves a purpose for you. If you are accepting of a relationship that 'is what it is' then stop fighting and arguing with your spouse and try to get along. You have both made a decision to stay based on pragmatic needs - not on love. It's a choice you have made. No one can force you to stay. At least be civil to each other.