Why You Should Quit Writing

If you consider yourself a writer, there's a very good chance that you suck-completely and irrevocably. Don't blame me; blame your predisposed genes that so lovingly have convinced you that you are the next F. Scott Fitzgerald. Though the pen is to be wielded like a sword with both reservation and grace, some people take to waving it around like a four-year-old brandishing a plastic lightsaber. And they're hitting everyone with it, which gets to be pretty annoying when you're just lounging around and sipping from wine glasses. (All you dilettantes probably don't know what I'm talking about; you're still sucking down Juicy Juice through a straw.)

The most obvious and nonviolent solution to this problem lies within a run through the many people whose keyboards would see better use when shoved into a shredder. Because if you don't tell people that they suck, how else would they know?

Without further ado, I present to you the reasons why some of us should hang up our writing gloves and chop off our hands with meat cleavers:

Paris Hilton = Automatic Fail

If you have ever written an article that mentions Paris Hilton for more than 500 words-or worse, if you wrote an article with "Paris Hilton" in the title-you fail at life, and you should seek out Jack Kevorkian for immediate medical attention. If you think talking about Paris is hip, edgy, or dare I say...humorous, you are about two years too late and you most certainly deserve a boot to the face. I know I'm not the only one who's dreadfully sick of all the regurgitated Paris Hilton spoofs and mockeries. At this point, I don't even care if you injected Paris into a recreation of The Metamorphosis, biographical relevance and all. And although the mental image of Paris waking up as a huge insect is appealing, it would still suck hard.

Stop writing about Paris Hilton. You're not funny, you're not original, and more importantly, you're not relevant. You are one of a million other fragments of a curious fraternity that, when assembled, creates the image of a Goatse man. Also see: any list of Top Ten reasons why something sucks.

Here are some more people who should take their pens and shove them so far into their ocular organs that they bleed contact lenses:

Fanfiction Is The TV Dinner Of The Literary Buffet

If I even need to elaborate on why this "genre" is creatively void of any decency and talent, you've already failed this test. The ancient and magical art of taking someone else's characters and putting them into acts of BSDM has long been a dagger in the back of this cantankerous old camel known as literature. Although I'm not the biggest fan of J.K. Rowling and her dribble, I can see her point in calling off the countless fan productions of Snape romancing Harry romancing Chewbacca whilst riding the Millennium Falcon. I honestly don't know what inspires someone to write garbage like that-much like how I can't comprehend people who wear erotic animal suits, or listen to Mars Volta-but I think we should outlaw whatever drugs they're smoking.

Also, the drugs should be given to resident pothead Thom Yorke, because he seems to know how to smoke responsibly and still come out with some kind of creativity that is marginally better than anyone who writes about Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Leave The Tissues At Home

Tragedy and drama are the spices of life, like salt and pepper. However, what happens when you pour too much salt on your chicken cutlets? It tastes pretty awful, right? With that being said, leave your salty tears away from the majority of your work. Sure, it's empowering to hear about your struggle against the world and all that jazz-but you shouldn't shove it down people's throats every single time you get the chance. Write it, tell about it, move on without it. The purpose of reading a book is to remember it; the purpose of writing a book is to forget about it. So, I think it goes without saying that everyone would rather not have the emotional drama-queen memories of your angsty past hammered into their brains for every single piece of work.

I can already tell that you're cocking your head in confusion, and maybe even cocking your guns in retaliation. Before you go Ocelot on my ass, let's run through some examples:

Good Angst: J.K. Rowling was once a struggling single mother. She does not press this fact upon us in every single book she writes, nor does she call excessive attention to it. Still, she makes a note of it when asked.

Bad Angst: Stephen King is a creepy guy and he used to be a crackhead drunkard. A lot of his main characters are drunken writers with bad habits and/or have serious mental problems.

Wow, I never thought I'd be putting Rowling over King in any situation-but I suppose you learn something new everyday. However, I don't condone choosing Wizard-Girl over The King-in a duel of literary skill, King can still wipe the floor with 90 percent of his contemporaries in this day and age, despite his waning sanity and talent in the past few years.

I Don't Care About The Color Of Your Couch

One of the reasons why books today suck lies within this tragic car crash of confusing good descriptive abilities with pedantic, boring paragraphs full of nothing in particular. People these days like to fill up the pages in their work with long, overblown descriptions of rooms, shapes, colors, and figments of imagination. This is a great way to move the story along and show off your skill-except when you do it for three or four pages. Yes, it's important that you are able to picture the happenings in your mind's eye; but I don't want to fall asleep before something important happens.

I know that J.R.R. Tolkien could get away with this, but get this: You are not Tolkien. No one will ever be. Therefore, you should not bore me with your favorite games-"How Many Ways Can I Describe My Face," or "Let's Talk About My House For Six Pages." In short bursts this is acceptable. Letting it run away for half an hour is unacceptable.

Look At Me, I'm Being Edgy-But I Can't Write!

There is a fine line between material that is controversial, and material that is "edgy." Edgy writing is deliberate in a sort of pathetic way, because you're sacrificing time that could be spent drafting an intriguing and original work in favor of work that is purely meant to fan the angry flames of a few raging bulls. I need only explain with the perfect example: The Da Vinci Code. One of the most terrible works of fiction I've ever read, Dan Brown focuses more on why Jesus Christ knocked up a chick than on the dreadful narrative, the wooden characters, and the totally cliché ending. Oh, the butler did it!? Real classy, Dan. Using metaphors like "Langdon spun like a torpedo" doesn't help you, either.

And for the record, Robert Langdon ties Dirk Pitt for being the most boring character in the history of literature. And when Brown does try to create interesting characters, he falls flat on his ass. Hey look, the genius English professor who most certainly IS NOT the real villain! Hey, the obviously evil butler! Look, the curmudgeonly police captain with a heart of gold! And we can't forget the misunderstood Frankenstein-esque albino monster who is actually misunderstood!

Jesus, does somebody have a barf bag?

Well, I think that's enough for now. I really do believe it's necessary to weed out the idiots from the smarties, so if you know anyone who falls under these categories, do me a favor and introduce them to a plastic bag.

Permanently.

Good luck with your writing, and God bless!