Why You Shouldn't Kill Yourself

I've struggled with major depression for 9 years. Although chronic depression stems from neurological deficiencies, circumstance has played an integral role in my depression. I'm not going to share the specifics of my personal life. This tractate is not about why I'm depressed. That's none of your business. I did want to explain why I haven't committed suicide in spite of having suicidal thoughts. Maybe I can convince a suicidal person to stick around a bit longer. I'm not self-important enough to think that this article will heal society, but it may give insight into the gears and cogs of a browbeaten mind.

I want to die. I don't want to suffer the consequences of death, but I don't want to live this life. I want to live. I don't want to live this life, but I want to experience the amazing things that life has to offer. As you can tell, suicidal thoughts are not always straightforward. Many severely depressed people don't want to live or die. Neither option sounds appealing, which intensifies the depression. There is a gray area between "depressed" and "suicidal." I have occupied this gray area for quite some time. If I'm so miserable, why don't I off myself?

There are two main reasons why I have decided to continue trudging through what I believe to be an ineluctably hopeless existence. For starters, I have loved ones. They love me, and I love them. I can't imagine torturing my mother by forcing her to bury her only child. This is why I feel that suicide is completely selfish. If I didn't care about anyone else, I would have ended it all years ago. How can anyone knowingly cause a loved one to grieve their heart into a million pieces? Picture your parents/siblings/friends saying their last goodbyes through soggy lips at a disconsolate funeral home. Do you want them there?

I realize that not everyone has loved ones. If I was truly alone, then I wouldn't be here today. For those of us who do have people in our lives who genuinely care about us, suicide cannot be rationalized. I know that my death could potentially drive my mother to her own grave. I can't justify sending her to such dark recesses of anguish. Why else haven't I killed myself? Brace yourself for an excruciating cliché...tomorrow is another day. Hear me out. Your life is bound to go through several changes in the next 5-10 years. You will not be where you are today. If you feel like your life can't get any worse, you might be onto something.

I'm curious to see where I'll end up in 5-10 years. Who will I meet? What will I be doing? Will I catch a break? Will I feel as worthless as I do now? I would hate to kill myself because of something that may dissipate with time. I'm speaking in general terms, but I'm sure that they apply to more than one person. I would like to think that I'm strong enough to weather whatever misfortune is remitted my way. Suicide is the easy way out. Yes, it takes guts to kill yourself, but cowards can have guts. I don't have the right to take my own life, and neither does any other broken spirit.

Happy yet?