Why You Shouldn't Be in a Relationship, Let Alone Even Think About Getting Married

X or Y. Whether you consider one of those seemingly innocuous alphabetic partners as either your defining Generation or the crucial Chromosome in your genetic makeup, it's time to get a few things straight: commitment takes chutzpah, and you don't have any. It takes a bona fide adult to commit to a choice they have made and stick to it until all other options have been exhausted. We may be taller and stronger and have brighter smiles, all thanks to growth hormones, fortified milk, and water fluoridation, but none of these attributes have helped our emotionally-atrophied minds catch up with our physically mature bodies.

Yesterday a friend of mine recounted a story describing the actions of a young woman on the eve of the wedding to her childhood sweetheart. Without telling a soul, she jumped into her car and drove five hours to confront a man for whom she had harbored a secret crush for years. She showed up on his doorstep, breathless, and said, "If you say 'Yes' I'll leave my fiancé and we can try things out between us." The man just shook his head, looking at her.

"What in the hell are you doing? Get your ass back down there where it belongs!"

Her fiancé found out about her transgressions only hours before the ceremony. The wedding went on as planned, and she slept out on the couch for the first month of their marriage.

Only a few weeks before hearing this, I was told another story of a married couple in which the young husband decided to confide his marital problems to the new intern he had been assigned to mentor. As relations at home continued to grow strained, the husband decided he needed some time away to think things through. He told his wife that he had to go into

Boston overnight for work. Short jaunts like this weren't unusual, so they followed the same routine: he packed his suitcase and she dropped him off at the train station. The following day, she picked him up at the allotted time, and their home-life resumed where it had left off, albeit now he was decidedly more disengaged and cold towards her.

One week later, she found, lying out there in plain sight on the breakfast table, a receipt for coffee at a kiosk located in a small town outside of Boston, date and time stamped for the very same night he was supposed to be in the metropolis, diligently working. He had even called her that evening to tell her how it was going. When confronted, he confessed that he "just needed to get away and think" and so he decided to spend the night with the young intern. "Nothing happened!" he exclaimed. It was just that she had become such a close and understanding friend, and knew all about their problems. He needed to spend time with someone he could talk to.

We all have friends of the opposite sex. And it's inevitable that we, as humans, will continue to go through our lives and, every once in a while, feel sparks of interest and attraction to someone we meet, regardless of gender. This is how we form friendships, find lovers, and interact as the social creatures we are. We use those "sparks" to form the foundations of the relationships in our lives, and those relationships help teach us and define who we are today. If we are astute, we learn from them. Some of us are much better at that than others. Inevitably, though, there are those of us who continue to carry forward the same burden over and over again, never realizing what it is going to take to make our lives better.

When we find someone who we have decided to cherish and love, we have made the decision to put that person first in our lives. This doesn't mean that we have to lose sight of our needs and our dreams; it simply means that now there are two people that need to be taken into account when decisions are made when before there was only one. When we decide to enter into a valid relationship where no holds are barred and hearts and souls lie open and exposed, it is our duty to protect and cherish the gift of trust that has been handed over to us. It is a job that each day, fewer and fewer of us are capable of doing.

The number of us who aren't strong enough to understand that our single lives don't (and won't) just transfer seamlessly into our new lives as a couple need to just keep milling about the bar scene and stick to casual dating. It is not OK to take in a professional colleague as your personal confidant and marriage counselor, let alone spend an evening with her when you need to "clear your head". It is not OK to continue to flirt and court friends of the opposite sex, nor is it OK to go "hang out" with them all by yourself for extended periods of time. It is not OK to act on impulse when you see someone attractive walk by; you have more important things in your life waiting for you, and if restraint is too much of a burden, then you have bigger issues to deal with. You need to grow up.

Any solid relationship should be stable enough to the point that jealousy doesn't become an issue, and being in a relationship doesn't mean forgoing your friends of the opposite sex. It simply means understanding where to draw the line in what would be considered appropriate and respectful for both of you and your relationship. You made the decision to join forces - you don't have the luxury of playing solo anymore.

Does this sound like a death knell? It shouldn't. If you are in the relationship that you should be, then you will be able to openly communicate your needs and wants and desires, and your partner will be willing to listen. Your relationship will be built upon mutual support, and you both will come to understand that a night with the guys, a weekend with the girls, or even a short vacation alone, are all necessary respites to keep your relationship sane and healthy.

No relationship is Utopia. No relationship is ever one smooth ride of constant consensus. But when two genuine adults who understand what love and sacrifice is truly all about decide to jump into something together, then they can be assured that the ocean might not always lie glassy and calm, but at least the cruise will be a long and luxurious one.

As for the rest of you? It's time you jumped ship and swam back to shore. You can always come back when you finally feel like you're ready. God knows there is more than enough room on board.