Why I Sit Down to Pee

What is that you say? All men should sit down to pee? Yup, that is what I said. That may seem odd for a man to be saying this, but please let me explain myself . So sit down while I explain why I feel us men should leave the toilet seat down ALL the time.

The other morning I was awoken to the same feeling I had several mornings in a row. The wonderful urge to pee and pee NOW. In a flash I glided out from under the covers to expose pairs of glistening white legs and arms, and an equally white, furry chest and belly. To cap off this gleaming attire, and hide the "privates" as I ran through the house, sat a pair of smoked colored, boxer briefs. Smoked colored briefs in size large of course. (Leaves more room for "the boys".

I stumbled my way through the darkened living room at a pace a grandfather would deem ultra fast. But my bladder was telling me different. As I rounded the corner I could see it. The shimmering light coming from the bathroom night light. I was almost there and my bladder was singing praises, but still telling me to hurry.

I made my way into the bathroom at the same time dropping the smoked drawers to the ground. I didn't want to waste any time so I decided to aim through the smaller ring instead of using the easier, larger ring. AHHHHHHHHH what a relief. Three cups of water, a soda, and a large glass of nighttime milk had packed a lot a pressure into the flow streaming out. The sound of the ocean seemed to be humming out of the bowl for what seemed to be five minutes straight.

As things came to a slow pulse, like that of a crimped hose, I did my usually "three" and then one more for good measure. All done. My bladder was emptied and I was on my way back to bed. Yes, I pulled the smoked briefs back up.

As I climbed back into bed and snuggled up to my pillow I could feel the other side of the bed shaking. Next thing I know my covers are tracing their way towards that side of the bed and the squeak of the headboard resonated throughout the house. It was my wife's turn for "relief."

I heard her stumbling through the living room and then into the bathroom as the door closed shut. The next thing I heard was a loud yelp and then bitching, cussing, ranting, and more cussing. For some reason I seemed to hear my name between the cussing and the name Idiot.

The toilet flushed, the water ran and the door opened. Oh boy here it comes. I was pretty sure I left the toilet seat down so it couldn't be that. Was my aim off? I watched the whole time to make sure that I aimed into the center of the ring. I sat up and in the dim light shinning through the window I was able to make out one side of my wife's face looking down at me. It wasn't a happy half of face.

I caught hell from the left, from the right, and from every direction as she made her way back into bed. I missed! I missed the center, smaller ring and hit the seat. At least that is what I was so elegantly told with a lot of four letter words thrown in.

I pondered my manhood the whole rest of the morning. Was I loosing my aim? No way! Maybe I just had a "double" stream come out. Yeah that had to be it. Well I pondered a few more things and fell back to sleep for what seemed like ten seconds. The alarm blared and I was off again to the throne. This time it was not out of necessity, but as a mission. Where did I go wrong?

I escaped towards the bathroom, closed the door behind me, and locked it. I still had a lot of pressure from all the drinks I had the day before so this was the perfect opportunity to find out the cause of my bad aim.

I took care of business in my usual way, but something happened this time. I felt something hit my foot. Everything was perfectly aimed into the middle with no "doubles", but for some reason a drip made it's way to my foot. And then one hit the front of my shin. Eureka. I figured it out.

This is where it gets good. Oh, by the way, outside the door I could hear my wife yelling at me to lift the toilet seat and to make sure to put it down. As I tuned her out I came to notice what was happening.

Now I'm not a super tall man by any means, but I am over the average. I stand at an even six feet tall with a 32 inch inseam. This means my private stands close to three feet off the ground. The toilet water sits about a foot and a half off of the ground.

Well common sense told me that if I shoot water from a hose three feet high into a bucket a foot and a half high something marvelous will happen. THE WATER SPLASHES UP AND OUT!!!!!! When it does it goes all over the place. So every time us men stand up to pee we are splashing "yuck" all over. Once I had that image in my mind I was forever converted to a "sitter." Never again will I stand to pee into a toilet. Standing is for urinals only. And that has it's own little "yuck" all to itself. (I will leave that for another day.)

And while sitting one can catch up on a lot of reading or thinking or even paying bills.

So all of you women out there need to tell your men to sit their behinds down from now on. Gently explain why and then explain that he will never have to put the seat down again.