Why Smokey the Bear Has Driven Me Insane

I am at my wit's end. No longer am I interested by the daily grind, and the world has taken its final toll on me. Before I end my worthless existence on this planet, I would like to share a secret with all of you. This very secret has caused me so much suffering over my lifetime that it has led to my suicide. It has defined my existence since I was a toddler, and everyday its unfair burden has hammered away at my sanity. I can no longer bear this terrible curse, and before I pass, I want the world to know- I am the only one who can prevent forest fires.

I know, I know. It sounds ridiculous. I could not possibly be the only person on the planet who can prevent forest fires. But it is the absolute truth. My job on this green earth was declared to me when I was very young. Even as a mere child I was tormented by visual and auditory hallucinations of a large bear wearing a hat and blue jeans...Smokey was his name, I believe. Through some animalistic-telepathy he bear was somehow able to communicate to me, and it would always speak the same six words "Only you can prevent forest fires."

In the blissfulness of youth, I actually took pride in the notion of such responsibility, and I always saw my encounters with Smokey as a subtle and friendly reminder that I was the protector of the world's forests. I watched the Captain Planet television show, looking for any edge in my fight against the forest fires that were wreaking havoc over the homes of all the cute little woodland animals. As I aged, however, I began to see the complexity of my predicament- in a world with over 6 billion people and billions of acres of land, I was the sole protector of all the forests. There was so much ground to cover, and there was no one to help me.

For years I did everything I could. After finishing high school, I enrolled in a community college with the intent of becoming a park ranger. I never envisioned myself becoming a normal ranger, but rather the Matrix equivalent of "The One." I would save all the world's animals and plant life and I would rain hellfire and brimstone upon the enemies of our trees. But I knew deep down inside that this path chosen for me would not work out- it was too much responsibility and I was destined to fail. I prayed every night to be relieved of this burden; I prayed to God, Jesus, Allah, Vishnu, Buddha, Lord Vader- anyone who would answer my call and promise me salvation from my terrible task. I even prayed to Smokey the Bear, in hopes that he would stop contacting me and rubbing salt in the wound that was my destiny. None of my prayers were ever answered, and I had no choice but to do what I could to prevent the forest fires.

For the past three years I have been wandering around in the woods behind my parents' house in our old subdivision. I have always been on the lookout for any forest fires, and in the time I've spent here, there hasn't been a single fire. Once I stumbled drunkenly out of the wood line and kicked the shit out of a high school kid who was smoking a cigarette a little too close to my sacred forest, but that was pretty much the only close call I've had. The police got called, and now the neighborhood children are all afraid to come into the woods. Good riddance, as far as I'm concerned. I'm 32 years old now- things never worked out on the college front, and I never became a park ranger. I have been able to protect my forests on a local scale, but I have failed globally. Miserably, I might add. Every summer, wildfires devour thousands of acres in the western United States, and I have done nothing to stop them. I have let Smokey and the rest of the world down. My calling since birth was to prevent forest fires, and I have failed. The world will not miss me when I'm gone.