Why My Son is Invited to His Sibling's Birth

Many people believe that childbirth is too traumatic for children, especially those young in age, to witness. They say that mothers who wish to have their older children present for the birth of siblings are being selfish. They think that inviting the child to the birth is solely for the mother's benefit and that no one is thinking of the child's well-being. There may be certain situations in which it would be inappropriate for a child to witness birth, but this is certainly not true all or most of the time. Many believe that the entire family benefits when children are included in birth, and I happen to agree.

Hospital birth has the potential to be more traumatic than homebirth. Risk of complication for mother and child is much higher in the hospital. This is in part true because of how intervention-happy hospital staff tend to be, but also because of the environment itself. Hospitals are scary places that we associate with sickness, and just being in them makes some uncomfortable. This is true for children. Women in the hospital are more likely to have violent contractions caused by labor induction or augmentation with pitocin. The child may also hear screams coming from down the hall, even if his mother is relaxed. His mother is hooked up to machines, and people are fussing over her as if something can go wrong at any minute. That can be frightening.

Homebirth, however, is much more calm and gentle. Home is where the heart is and is where most people are comfortable, especially children. At home, a woman is less likely to be screaming her head off. Homebirthers usually have a very different attitude about birth, which affects how they cope with labor. They also can enjoy all the comforts of home and use them to soothe their pain. They are at home where they are best able to relax. They also aren't subjected to the tense environment of the hospital or interventions that can make labor harder, like pitocin drip. Children can come and go as they please, watching the birth, joining mom in the birth pool (tons of fun!), or going down the hall to play with toys. Homebirth usually doesn't involve people frantically scurrying about, and there are no scary machines or strangers.

I don't think I would be comfortable having my son present at a hospital birth. I was hardly able to relax and enjoy myself during his birth, and I know this is due to the environment that I was in. I have a totally new perspective on labor and birth now, and I am thoroughly looking forward to our homebirth. Studies have been done on children witnessing home and hospital birth. Children who witnessed hospital birth were more likely to be uncomfortable, while children who were present at homebirths were more likely to have fond memories of the event. I would not allow my son at a hospital birth unless I were low risk, confident that my wishes to avoid intervention and monitoring would be heeded, had a private room, and knew that I was capable of managing my pain in that environment. I don't have to worry about these things at home.

Some say that birth is too bloody for children to witness. I don't remember my hospital birth being bloody at all. There was nothing gory about it. Most everything was caught in a bowl, and then I wore sanitary pads to catch the blood flow. Children can be kept from seeing the blood most of the time. Usually their eyes are on mommy and baby anyway. Watching the head come out truly isn't anymore graphic than what you'd see on nature shows. Most children are in awe of it, not traumatized. Children don't have to witness the emergence of the baby simply because they are at the birth. They can cuddle with mommy instead if they want. I don't feel either of these things would be traumatic for my child. He's usually fascinated by the many orifices of our bodies and what comes out of them.

Some children are sensitive to things like that, especially children that are older. A teenage boy may not want to see a head come out of his mother's vagina. An eight year old girl may be sickened by it. Some children are sensitive to blood and get faint at the sight of even a drop of it. Parents certainly know their children well enough to know if this is the case. They can take steps to prevent their children from seeing the more graphic or bloody aspects of birth, as I mentioned before. Most parents chose not to have their kids at the birth if they are sensitive to such things or will take precautions.

Parents who plan to invite their children to the birth usually try to prepare the child with videos, books, and the Discovery Channel. They usually have an adult present other than the mother and father who can help with the child. I don't know anyone who has forced a child to witness the birth. Children are welcome to leave if they want--and to return when they want. Allowing them to bring things to the birth can help keep them occupied and keep their mind off of what's going on. Those who have their children at births do think of the well-being of those children and try to do all they can to make sure the child stays comfortable during the event.

There are benefits for the mother in having children at the birth. The child's presence may give the mother strength and comfort, as well as the ability to remain calm. Most of the benefits, however, are for the child. Many believe that birth is a family event and that children should be included as part of the family. Witnessing birth can have an everlasting effect on the child's opinion of birth. If the mother screams, the child may be fearful. If she copes gracefully with her contractions, the child may be less afraid of birth. Birth is a miracle, so those who witness it can say they have seen a miracle. Some feel that it is good sex education!

Lewis Mehl's research demonstrated that children who witnessed birth had accurate knowledge about it and felt like it was a good experience. Studies have demonstrated less sibling rivalry occurs after an older child has witnessed the birth of a young brother or sister. Children can be upset at being left behind while the mother goes to the hospital, seeing the new baby get so much attention, and at suddenly having a new baby appear when mommy returns. Being included in the birth can lessen the feelings of anxiety that result from those things. Many parents feel that children bond with new siblings better after witnessing the birth. Studies support that position.

My son is only two, but he is a very strong, sweet little boy. While quite independent, he enjoys being included in whatever is going on and doesn't like to stray too far from me. He has absolutely no fear, as many people have told me over the years. He has seen me in pain before and either paused to give me a hug or just played on his own, not wanting to bother me. He is unafraid of screams, unless it sounds angry, or blood. As previously mentioned, he's utterly fascinated by bodily orifices and that which comes out of them. He watches baby shows on TV all the time in which babies are born in various ways, and it doesn't phase him to see those women moaning, even screaming or to see the blood and goo. I know my son, and I know that he won't be negatively affected by seeing birth. Moreover, I know myself, and I know that I won't give him any reason to be afraid.

I believe that his being at the birth will promote closeness within our family. It will let our child know that no matter what he is always part of the family. It will help him bond with his sibling, understand the event better, and lessen sibling rivalry. More importantly, he deserves to be present at the birth. He may not understand completely what's going on, but he knows something is up and about to happen. He's tried to be my little helper around the house during this pregnancy. He's even stood by me, patting my back gently to comfort me, watching with curiosity or even smiling reassuringly as I puked my breakfast into the toilet. I think it would be an insult and a shame not to invite him to the birth.

Perhaps if circumstances were different, I would feel the need to exclude him. But as things stand, my son is invited to our homebirth, which I believe will benefit the whole family. He is welcome to come and go as he pleases during the event. He loves swimming, and if he knew I'd set up a pool in the house without him around, he'd be very disappointed. I know my son. I know myself. I am delivering in an environment in which we are all very comfortable. I therefore have no qualms whatsoever about including my son in the birth and experiencing it with him. Our baby will emerge fresh and new from the womb, and then my husband, son, newborn, and I will immediately spend our first few moments together as a family--of four, finally!