Why Spring Break in Florida Is Overrated

Whatever you do during this week of intoxicated independence, do not - I repeat - DO NOT go to Florida. Well, unless of course you happen to enjoy the following:

1) Overrated, Overcrowded Beaches

Florida - especially Miami - is well known for its plentiful party potential. Everyone and their brother (and sister and half-brother and second cousin and loopy aunt) know that, and that's exactly why you don't want to suffer through the mayhem. Miami certainly has its bountiful beaches to boast about, but good luck trying to slip into some spare sand during Spring Break. Oh, and if you do, be sure not to ogle at the naked Brazilian women - they are as mean as the hot wax they invented.

2) The Sweaty Sex-Crazed Crowd

If you like dancing, and you don't like being suffocated by some horrid cheap cologne and its sleazy owner with bad taste, avoid Florida. There are a million great places to enjoy the nightlife (especially the Hard Rock Café), and about as many people squeezing into them. Spring Break is just not the time to strut your stuff without worrying about someone slipping a rufi into your mai tai, or slobbering all over the back of your neck while you shake your groove thang with your girlfriends.

3) The World's Worst Drivers

Seriously, I have never been to a place with such road-rage inspiring qualities. Because Florida is largely comprised of retirees and rebels, you will most likely find yourself stuck behind a white-haired turtle (because all you can see above the dashboard is the hair), or praying to your gods that the teenager riding your tail will spin off into some sleazy strip club on the next exit (which will take about an hour if its a mile or so away).

4) The Sculpted Scenery Made from Ground up Garbage

If you discover the hills in Florida, and marvel to yourself that you've seen something other than the flat landscape you thought Florida would be, remember that it's all just a tall heap of trash. That's right, those hills off of the I-95 are nothing more than giant disposal domes - which you might have suspected once you've notices the swarm of hungry sea hawks and vultures seeking out their human leftover delicacies.

There are of course, man made structures that were not molded from McDonald's wrappers or empty tubes of Tropical Tanning oils. Take the palm trees, for example, which are hoisted into their permanent concrete hovels amongst a backdrop of bright pink and neon blue buildings. They bring a lively California-esque quality to the poorly chosen paints, and remind you that even natural things in Florida (just like Californ-I-A) are destined to rot in a concrete jungle. But look honey, isn't everything so green and lush here?

5) Natural is a No-No, Or, Don't Forget Your Botox

If you still feel compelled to spend your last week of spring freedom in Florida, don't forget to bring your Botox - especially if you're still in your twenties. It also wouldn't hurt to get some liposuction and collagen injections before your big trip, because you wouldn't want to stand out as some sort of biological creature that succumbs to age spots and overeating. Oh, and how could I forget the breast implants? Going topless is never as much fun as when you have someone else's surgical precision to show off to all your frat friends and nympho neighbors.

Never in my life have I seen so much plasticity as I witnessed in Florida. Women who look 30 from behind turn around and you suspect they might ask you if you'd prefer a trick or a treat. Usually, the older ones come with a classic Jewish/New York accent - made all the whinier by the freshly chiseled Michael Jackson nose they've paid way, way too much for. If I were completely unfamiliar with plastic surgery, I'd quietly wonder what kind of strange and unfortunate birth defect these people had suffered. But I have unfortunately been enlightened, which is all the more reason I would keep my saggy, wrinkled 24-year-old lips shut - and I recommend you do the same (you do not want to know the wrath of an angry mutant New-York/Florida hybrid "woman" who prides herself on her latest saran-wrap of the face operation.)

Actually, I recommend that you avoid Florida altogether during this week of wet 'n' wild hysteria. If you really do want to visit someday, go for Halloween, when everyone is a heck of a lot less weird. For now, go celebrate your impending non-sobriety somewhere saner.