Why Stephen Colbert Should Be President

As you all know by now, Stephen Colbert has thrown his hat into the ring and announced his candidacy for President of the United States of America. Running as both a Republican and a Democrat, he could possibly end up running against himself in the general election. And if that happens, you can count on some powerful debates and a whole lot of good old fashioned mud-slinging. Here is why Stephen Colbert should be President.

First of all, the man looks good in a flag. We haven't seen a man look that good in red, white and blue since Rocky Balboa in Rocky II. Flag sales have dropped considerably over the past five years, but Stephen Colbert is bound to bring patriotism back to the good old U.S. of A. After all, he is Lincolnish.

Secondly, the road to Armageddon will be straightforward. Admittedly, George W. Bush has done just about all he can to get us there, stopping short of declaring the War on Terror, World War III and bombing Syria and Iran. But Stephen Colbert knows what needs to be done, and those of us waiting patiently for the rapture can finally stopping buying bulk at Costco, because Armageddon is on its way.

Stephen Colbert won't need a Vice President. There's all this talk about who will be Colbert's running mate in the 2008 election. As if the man needs one! No, Stephen Colbert is a one-man show. As a matter of fact, the Colbert Administration probably won't need any cabinet or staff whatsoever. You know what that means: No oral sex from interns in the Oval Office. Just some good old-fashioned hard work and a whole lot of masturbation.

Perhaps most importantly, Stephen Colbert has a direct line to God. God is like Stephen Colbert's consigliere. No decision will be made without the big G's approval. And Stephen Colbert is bound to do away with that pesky little doctrine of the separation between Church and State. Wanted prayers in public schools? Stephen Colbert will do you one better. How about holding class in Church? And Stephen Colbert will be the abstinence president. No condoms for anyone. Unless, of course, you're a Republican Congressman trawling for gay sex in an airport restroom. After all, Stephen Colbert is nothing if not tolerant and understanding.

So when you step into that voting booth, and you have to choose between Stephen Colbert and Stephen Colbert, choose Stephen Colbert. That's what Jesus would do.