Why the Taliban Wants You to Rest Easy

Scientists this week discovered a new hormone which they have named, "C. Curities." When you sleep, your body sends C. Curities to your brain. Once lodged in synaptic receptors, the C. Curities begin to release messages like, "Terrorists pose no real danger to our country," and, "Fighting terrorism is for sucka's."

It is believed that terrorists, under the direction of Osama bin Laden, have been dumping hundreds of gallons of synthesized C. Curities into the nation's water supplies for years. The White House is urging that citizens take immediate action against this threat. Americans are being instructed to stop sleeping at once, maintain a state of paranoid alertness, and refrain from drinking water, or any water-based beverages.

The Department of Homeland Securities, being the responsible, benevolent organization that it is, has begun a massive campaign of breaking into people's homes in the middle of the night and snatching them from their beds, so as to help them stay awake. Said the Director of Homeland Securities, "Guantanamo Bay has a magnificent anti-sleep facility that we encourage all Americans to take full advantage of."

Government scientists are not taking this attack lying down. They have created their own synthetic hormone called "D. Seets" which can block the synaptic receptors and prevent the C. Curities from taking hold of your fragile mind. Currently, they are having trouble finding a means of safely transmitting the D. Seets, because they react with brain fluid and create a powerful acid. "We are experimenting with mixing the D. Seets with various forms of lye, the extremely basic cleaning chemical, to offset the acids created in the brain," one scientist told us. "We are confident that with the right combination of lyes and D. Seets we can clean these C. Curities right out of your brains. I know that the American people are a little nervous about us feeding them lyes, but just think of it as a patriotic detergent to give your brain a good washing."

Osama bin Laden couldn't be reached for comment. We did, however, manage to speak to his press agent. At first, he seemed dumbfounded about the C. Curities plot. Then, after we thoroughly explained the situation, he just started giggling and clapping his hands. "Oh man!" he replied, "Wait till the boss hears about this one! You people are even crazier than we are! Lyes and D. Seets...man, I gotta write that one down!"

We spoke to President Bush and told him of the smugness of bin Laden's press agent. He quickly became enraged by their remarks and proceeded to blame terrorists for trans fats, the eight White Sox players that threw the 1919 World Series, and that weird film you get on the roof of your mouth after you eat Cap'n Crunch.

"Now that's a war on terror," Bush quipped. "Let's see how bin Laden likes 'dem apples."