Why There Should Not Be a Spider-Man 4

In the beginning, there was Superman. And it was good. And then Stan Lee begat Spider-Man, and Bob Kane begat Batman, and so on and so forth, and there was much rejoicing. Then Hollywood came upon the scene, and there was...not so much rejoicing. For while Hollywood has achieved some remarkable things when it comes to putting superheroes on the silver screen, they have also given us some really huge disappointments. You can debate the whys and wherefores of these failures, but one conclusion is inescapable. Whenever you have a series of superhero movies, the fourth one will always be disastrous.

Consider the Batman movies, for example. The first Batman movie (directed by Tim Burton and starring Michael Keaton as Batman, and Jack Nicholson as the Joker) was a great success, and remains the only Batman movie to win an Academy award. The second Batman movie (Batman Returns) kept Burton and Keaton, and introduced two new villains, the Penguin and Catwoman. Batman Returns was also a success, although warning signs were beginning to appear. Then the infamous Joel Schumacher replaced Tim Burton as director. What followed was Batman Forever. The third Batman movie (in which Batman fought the Riddler and Two-Face) still met a good reception, but a growing number of critics and fans began to show their concern. The dark Gotham of the first two movies had been replaced by a Gotham of neon lights and blaring trumpets. Some felt that Jim Carrey overplayed his role as the Riddler. And, of course, there were the much-reviled nipples on the Batsuit. Joel Schumacher dutifully listened to the voice of the people and gave them....Batman and Robin.

Batman and Robin is perhaps the most hated movie of all time. George Clooney, who played Batman, reportedly offered to pay back anyone who'd paid money to see it. Right from the beginning, the movie serves as the greatest example ever of what not to do in a superhero movie. Arnold Schwarzenegger, as Mr. Freeze, felt compelled to make awful puns about ice, cold, and winter virtually every time he opened his mouth. The website Agonybooth.com, which critiques terrible movies, devoted a full thirteen pages to it. Singlehandedly, Batman and Robin torpedoed the Batman movie franchise, which didn't reemerge until the magnificent Batman Begins, starring Christian Bale. And remember, this was the fourth Batman movie.

Now, you may think this was just a one-time string of events, right? Wrong. Remember the Superman movies? Same scenario. The first Superman movie became an instant classic. Superman II was, in my own opinion, even better, because Superman actually got to fight other supervillains, not just power-mad yet mortal executives like Lex Luthor. Supermen III appeared next, which like the third Batman movie began to morph from dramatic action to overdramatic comedy. Then came Superman IV: the Quest for Peace. Like Batman and Robin, the film was a disaster. Not quite as bad, but still a disaster. The movie's main supervillain was Nuclear Man, whose chief weakness was lack of sunlight. This led to a scene where Superman defeats Nuclear Man by locking him in an elevator on the dark side of the moon (yes, the moon. Stay with me here). Superman, however, forgets an elementary fact of astronomy: the moon rotates. Inevitably, the sun shines, and Nuclear Man reemerges. Superman finally defeats his adversary by forcefully pushing the moon in front of the sun, creating an artificial solar eclipse. Over-dramatic stunts like that, as well as a host of other problems, combined to make Superman IV so bad that it killed the Superman movie franchise for nineteen years, until the 2006 Superman Returns. And again, Superman IV was the fourth Superman movie.

Today, we have another popular superhero movie series : Spider-Man. There have been three so far, appropriately named Spider-Man, Spider-Man 2, and Spider-Man 3. Red flags are already beginning to appear. Anxiety is mounting. And yes, Sony Pictures is planning on making a Spider-Man 4. For the love of all things super, fans of Spider-Man everywhere should plead with Sony to, in the famous cliché, stop now, before it's too late. If Sony needs convincing, I suggest sending their executives a copy of Batman and Robin. Must this be the fate of Spider-Man?