Why I Think The Twilight Saga: New Moon Movie is Going to Suck

Edward? Come Back, Edward!

Maria Roth, Yahoo! Contributor Network
Aug 19, 2009 "Share your voice on Yahoo! websites. Start Here."

Let me state, for the record, that I am a fan of the Twilight series. Really I am. I make fun of all things Twilight-related because I'm very insecure. How can I love Twilight and still be considered an intelligent, respectable adult woman? I don't want my daughter to date vampires when she grows up. Honestly, I'm a reasonable person, but when I think of Stephenie Meyer's Edward Cullen character, I forget that I'm a responsible wife and mommy; suddenly I'm Edward's one and only love. Edward is MINE! He needs a full-grown, experienced woman--not a silly teenager like Bella!

Every time I see The Twilight Saga: New Moon movie trailer, my brain says, "There's no way this movie can be any good; remember how cheesy the book was?" while my heart says, "You have to see this movie; you owe it to Edward." I hate feeling so conflicted. (In case you live on Mars, where no one gives a crap about vampires and werewolves, and you have not seen the movie trailer, go here to watch it. There's a new trailer, too--found here--which is a must-see for fans of Taylor Lautner, the actor who plays Jacob.)

I've read all the Twilight books once and I saw the first Twilight movie once (on DVD! I didn't even see it in the theater!). Twilight is not my obsession by any means, but I appreciate the escape from real life that Stephenie Meyer's universe offers me.

Now, let's explore all the clues that lead me to believe that The Twilight Saga: New Moon movie is going to suck. (I'm sorry, but I have to assume it's going to suck because that's what my brain tells me. I'm ignoring my heart for the moment.) I may toss some spoilers from the book into this discussion, so proceed with caution:

Reason why I think the Twilight: New Moon movie is going to suck, #1: The trailer reveals way too much!

If you've seen the trailer, the secret's out: Jacob is a wolf, everyone! JACOB IS A WOLF! A BIG BROWN WOLF! I already knew Jacob was a wolf because I read all the Twilight books, but, surely, there are people out there-like the nice folks on Mars-who have not read the Twilight books. To give away the book's "big secret" in the movie trailer seems like a bad move to me. They can hint at the sexual tension between Bella and Jacob all they want, but, for goodness sakes, leave the wolf stuff out of it! I know it's too late now, but, man, why didn't the filmmakers consult me before releasing the first trailer?

The first time Jacob (Taylor Lautner) appears on screen in New Moon, every single person in that theater is going to think the same thing: "There's wolf boy!"

Remember how Bella thought Jacob hated her because he was acting so strange all of a sudden? She thought she was losing the only friend she had left. She didn't know what was happening to Jacob. Why take all that suspense away from people who haven't read the books? It's wrong, I tell ya!

Or did I miss the point of the book? I thought that the Jacob-is-a-wolf secret was a pretty big deal when I read New Moon (especially when you consider that the wolves exist to kill vampires!). Okay, so let's all forget that we already know Jacob can turn into a wolf...

Reason why I think the Twilight: New Moon movie is going to suck, #2: It's based on a weak novel.

You know how movies are almost never as good as the books they're based on? I thought New Moon, the book, was the weakest of the Twilight series, by far. All of my friends who have read all the Twilight books agree: we miss Edward so much in New Moon, it's not even funny! It's enough to make us want to skip to the end, where the book gets "good" again. Edward's voice inside Bella's head doesn't cut it. We want to see Edward! We want to see Edward kissing ME-uh, I mean, Bella!

When Edward leaves, it's up to Bella and Jacob alone to keep things interesting. Now that we all know Jacob can turn into a wolf (duh!), things are not particularly interesting. Bella's so dang depressed, Jacob is moody as hell, and Edward Cullen-the only character who makes Twilight worthwhile-is gone. (Yawn.)

I am aware that there is a faction of Twilight fans known as "Team Jacob." Some girls apparently prefer the hot-blooded, hairy, freakishly tall Jacob to the cold, undead, perfect Edward. I don't get it! Jacob's sweet, but he's just a kid. Edward is the one who makes Twilight so addictive. Will I want to fast-forward to the end of this movie five minutes after Edward leaves Bella in the woods? Probably. I'm shallow. I want more Edward NOW! That wolf boy is distracting me!

Reason why I think the Twilight: New Moon movie is going to suck, #3: The "ghost" of Edward Cullen shall rise up...inappropriately!

The filmmakers must know that the "Team Edward" girls aren't going to sit still through an hour of nothing but depressed Bella and moody Wolf Boy riding motorcycles and talking, and never making out. They have to bring Edward (Robert Pattinson) into the Edwardless scenes. They just have to. Will Edward be like a semitransparent ghost, hovering above Bella? Will we see Robert Pattinson's nose and eyes and red mouth "appear" next to Bella's ear whenever she thinks she hears his voice?

Here's the best clue we have to go on at this point: In a recent interview posted at Hitfix.com (click here to read the entire interview), Chris Weitz, the director of The Twilight Saga: New Moon, speaks of a "kind of hallucinatory effect Bella has when she hears Edward's voice and she imagines him there." They're also working hard to make sure Edward and the vampires actually do sparkle like diamonds in the sunlight.

I could honestly care less about the sparkling diamond-skin, but this "hallucinatory effect" has me a little worried. Maybe it will be cool...and maybe my children will start cleaning up after themselves without any more nagging from me. Yeah.

Reason why I think the Twilight: New Moon movie is going to suck, #4: The cast is butt-ugly.

Ha! Gotcha! But let's go ahead and talk about Taylor Lautner and Robert Pattinson. I have to say that, honestly, I don't find either one outrageously attractive. Sometimes Robert Pattinson is able to "become" Edward for a split second (as he does in the chemistry lab scene-where he and Bella have to keep looking through the microscope-in the first Twilight film), and I can't breathe...but then it passes, my heart starts beating again, and I go back to noticing how unusual his eyes and nose are, and trying to hear his English accent buried in every word he speaks.

Taylor Lautner is cute, I suppose, but I'm almost twice his age, so I better not say too much. You younger ladies can argue this point all you want in the comments section below: Who's hotter? Taylor Lautner or Robert Pattinson? Is it possible to be in love with the Edward Cullen character but not in love with Robert Pattinson? Hmm?

More reasons why I think the Twilight: New Moon movie is going to suck: The Volturi won't be scary enough. (Dakota Fanning is Jane! I'm trembling in my boots.) All of the CG special effects will be too distracting. And Edward will propose to Bella, not to me. What is wrong with that guy? I am so right for him!

But, wait a second, there's one very good reason why the Twilight: New Moon movie is, perhaps, not going to suck: Chris Weitz is directing this movie!

Oh my gosh! I just found out that Chris Weitz co-directed About a Boy, one of my favorite movies ever! Maybe The Twilight Saga: New Moon movie will actually be so good that I'll have to delete this article after I see it in November. I sure hope so!

UPDATE: 11/23/09
I saw The Twilight Saga: New Moon movie yesterday, and guess what? It does NOT suck. I really enjoyed it. Taylor Lautner had to be good for this movie to work, and he was. I'm impressed!

Published by Maria Roth

I love popcorn, cashews, cheesecake, Jane Austen, my husband and children, and Conan O'Brien. Why should you be jealous of me? I am double-jointed in both thumbs, I live in Kansas, I'm tall, and I'm modest... View profile