Why Tweens Retreat to Their Bedrooms

Bedrooms are a symbol of children's development, and attitudes to them may signify a change in maturity and thought processes. When a child is young, parents and child usually have fairly free access to each other's rooms. This gradually shifts as the child grows and by the age of six or seven, many will have secret hidey holes in their bedrooms.

By the age of eleven or twelve, children normally guard their bedrooms as their private space. They don't appreciate parents entering unasked, even if it is to collect dirty washing or dishes.

What Tweens do in their Bedrooms

Many times tweens retreat to their rooms for private times. This may be little more than listening to music or lying on their bed but it is their time and is part of learning independence. Many parents do not understand this and may nag the child for being antisocial.

Managing Tweens' Time in their Bedrooms

If a tween is moping in their room day after day, hour after hour, it is acceptable for parents to intervene and lay some basic ground rules. These can include the following:

• The tween needs to allow for some family time each day

• Meals should be eaten together at the table

• Washing must be produced at least once every three days. Refuse to do two week's worth of washing in one day when the tween decides to clean up

• Agree on limits about cutlery and crockery. Suggest all dirty items be brought to the kitchen at the end of each day

• The tween must allow access every couple of weeks for bedding to be changed and the room to be aired

Understanding Parents' Feelings

Parents often feel rejected as their child retreats into their room and denies access 99% of the time. It is important to remember that is not outright rejection of a mother or father. Rather it is part of the essential process of them learning independence. It may look hopeless to see the mess and attitude but it will pass.

It helps to remember that they are only practising and are not wanting or planning to shut family out permanently. If they are sick or sad, the door normally opens again. Try not to take bedroom issues too seriously and don't nag. No child has ever died from a dirty bedroom or a lack of clean clothes. It's a learning process for all concerned.

Reference:

Tweens , Andrea Clifford-Poston, Oneworld Publications, 2005