Why and How We Sometimes Need to Experience Grief

Winter. Snowflakes and snowmen. Mittens to warm cold fingers. Hot cocoa with whipped cream to cool the top. Lights twinkling on house after house as Christmas tiptoes in.

I usually enjoy winter right through the holiday season and that first snowfall. Then I want spring! I crave longer days and shorter nights. For sure footing rather than sleek, ice-kissed trails. For warm sunlight instead of the cold air on my face that bites and stings.

At times - quite often, actually - the blowing of winter winds is sharp and painful. As are some seasons in our lives. They are hurtful. Sorrowful. Dark.

Just as winter comes at the appointed time each year, we too experience "winters" in our lives. Sometimes the pain is so intense, we are not sure a respite - relief - will ever come.

We often think of grief in terms of losing someone we love. But in truth, we grieve over many things. Moving. Losing a job or a relationship. Various changes which are both unexpected and unwelcome.

The word grief is synonymous with sorrow. Allowing ourselves time to grieve is simply allowing ourselves time for sorrow. And that is okay! As painful as it is, the reality is that we need to grieve in two different areas in order to heal and move forward in our lives.

1. We need to grieve over past hurts.

Psalm 34:18 says, "The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves such as have a contrite spirit." Look closely at the beginning of that verse: "The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart".

I am convinced that most people have a great fear of people knowing who they really are. We often mask our true feelings, not only from others, but from God. We try to fix things on our own or pretend that nothing is wrong, i.e., "put on a happy face". We are afraid that if we reveal who we really are or how we are really feeling, we will be rejected or abandoned. We have false shame for things that happened to us that were not our fault. We "have to be strong" for everyone - our families, our friends, our co-workers, our church. And in the meantime, we are dying inside.

Carol Kent states in her book, Tame Your Fears:

Sometimes we wallow in a mental pigpen of betrayal, powerlessness, hurt, and anger for a long time. The turning point occurs when we stop trying to "fix" our feelings or situation and begin to grieve honestly and deeply. We live in a "groaning" creation where imperfect people hurt and disappoint us. That's sad. When powerful people abuse their positions and make us fearful, that's sad. When we are abandoned by someone who we expected to love us, that's sad. But when we allow the sorrow of a sinful world to penetrate us, something else happens. When we cease playing the blame game and allow ourselves to grieve, we change.

Allowing ourselves time to grieve over the hurts of the past brings us to a place where we can say, "I need you, God. I can't get through this alone. I am no longer able to pick myself up on my own. I surrender myself to You - my pain, my bad memories, my mistakes, my disappointments, my expectations. I yield myself to You, God."

And it is in that place of surrender that real healing begins, and that is encapsulated in one simple word: forgiveness.

Forgiveness is giving up my right to get even. It is not approval of the offense. Forgiveness says, "What you did hurt me deeply. You were wrong to do that to me. I have hated you for what you did long enough. But now I am releasing the hurt and releasing you to God."

Let me be very clear here. Forgiveness does not make the offense alright. Forgiveness makes you alright.

May I encourage you to go to God with your pain? He already knows anyway! And do you know what else? It is okay to ask God why. His shoulders are big enough to handle our questions, our doubts, and even our anger.

Listen to what the psalmist (King David) prayed in Psalm 31:

Have mercy on me, LORD, for I am in distress. My sight is blurred because of my tears. My body and soul are withering away. I am dying from grief; my years are shortened by sadness. Misery has drained my strength; I am wasting away from within. I am scorned by all my enemies and despised by my neighbors even my friends are afraid to come near me. When they see me on the street, they turn the other way. I have been ignored as if I were dead, as if I were a broken pot. I have heard the many rumors about me, and I am surrounded by terror...In sudden fear I had cried out, "I have been cut off from the LORD!" (NLT)

David was called "a man after God's own heart", yet he had seasons in his life when he felt cut off from God, when he questioned and asked why.

Even Jesus cried out, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" The Son of God asked why! This is amazing to me. But more than that, what it says to me is this: I can ask God why. But the key is not staying in that place. Instead I need to allow my doubts to give way to an honest and open search for truth.

Take time to grieve over your hurts. Ask why. And then allow yourself to come to that place where you can say, "God, I need you." It is in that place that healing begins. You will be surrounded in God's love.

And it is in that place that we are able, finally, to forgive.

2. We need to grieve over our own wrongdoing.

Let's take another look at Psalm 34:18, the ending phrase: "The Lord...saves such as have a contrite spirit."

There are times when we make bad choices, do the wrong thing. Even I have been known to be wrong.

(Shhh! Don't tell my husband or kids!)

It is not a friendly word, but it all boils down to three little letters: sin.

When it comes to our mess-ups, our own shortfalls, we need to go through a grieving process as well. Realizing that we have actually hurt the heart of the Father and sorrowing over that very fact. Realizing this so that we can experience God's forgiveness.

Listen to David's cry to God in Psalm 51:

Generous in love - God, give grace! Huge in mercy - wipe out my bad record. Scrub away my guilt, soak out my sins in your laundry. I know how bad I've been; my sins are staring me down. You're the One I've violated, and you've seen it all, seen the full extent of my evil. You have all the facts before you; whatever you decide about me is fair. I've been out of step with you for a long time, in the wrong since before I was born. What you're after is truth from the inside out. Enter me, then; conceive a new, true life.

Soak me in your laundry and I'll come out clean, scrub me and I'll have a snow-white life. Tune me in to foot-tapping songs, set these once-broken bones to dancing. Don't look too close for blemishes, give me a clean bill of health. God, make a fresh start in me, shape a Genesis week from the chaos of my life. (TM)

Experiencing God's forgiveness begins when we realize the brevity of our wrong-doing, when it hurts us that we have hurt God. 1 John 1:9 says, "But if we confess our sins, he will forgive our sins, because we can trust God to do what is right. He will cleanse us from all the wrongs we have done."

David's grief, his great sorrow, over his sins brought him to a place where he surrendered to the Father. And in that place was forgiveness. And as forgiveness flooded his soul, he proclaimed, "I will joyfully sing of your forgiveness. Unseal my lips, O Lord, that I may praise you" (from Psalm 51, NLT).

For David, getting to this place where he could once again rejoice began with sorrow. With grief over the things he had done wrong and bringing that grief before God. He is the same God today. And as tough as it is to admit that we have messed up, the good news is, He will - and does - forgive.

There is a song we sometimes sing at church that always moves me:

The nails in Your hands, the nail in Your feet
They tell me how much You love me
The thorns on Your brow, they tell me how
You bore so much shame to love me
And when the heavens pass away all Your scars will still remain
And forever they will say just how much You love me*

Grab a hold of this: God did all of that, not only so that I could be forgiven - which is vitally important - but even more importantly, because He loves me. That is nothing short of miraculous.

Experiencing the height and depth and breadth of God's love and forgiveness begins when we openly and honestly can, and do, admit that we have done things that grieve God's heart. Once we have done that, we will be able to say with the Psalmist:

Count yourself lucky, how happy you must be - you get a fresh start, your slate's wiped clean. Count yourself lucky - God holds nothing against you and you're holding nothing back from him. When I kept it all inside, my bones turned to powder, my words became daylong groans. The pressure never let up; all the juices of my life dried up. Then I let it all out; I said, "I'll make a clean breast of my failures to God." Suddenly the pressure was gone - my guilt dissolved, my sin disappeared. These things add up. Every one of us needs to pray; when all hell breaks loose and the dam bursts we'll be on high ground, untouched.

Celebrate God. Sing together - everyone! All you honest hearts, raise the roof! (Psalm 32:1-6, 11; TM)

Pain, whether from losses in our lives or from our own mistakes, can bring healing. The key is - will we walk through a winter season of grief so that healing can come?

Perhaps it is time to face those past hurts. To face the mistakes we have made. To admit that we have regrets. To surrender and admit that we need Someone bigger than ourselves.

Seek His healing for your hurts. His forgiveness for your sins. Then you too will be able to say with David...

Seek His healing for your hurts. His forgiveness for your sins. Then you too will be able to say with David...

You did it: you changed wild lament into whirling dance; You ripped off my black mourning band and decked me with wildflowers. I'm about to burst with song; I can't keep quiet about you. God, my God, I can't thank you enough. (Psalm 30:11-12, TM)