Why I Wish Bush and Cheney Were Behind 9/11

There is a news flash that we are all expected to know and believe: the Twin Towers were not actually attacked by the Islamic militants that have admitted to the crime by ramming planes into two civilian buildings. It was all a clever ploy by the same President whose staff could not flex their legal right to fire prosecutors without falling under legal problems. Yes, you heard it here, the Twin Towers were not the target of a terrorist attack, but the most successful cover up in human history since Leonardo Da Vinci meticulously hid in his paintings that Jesus was a daddy (please omit the fact that the figure claimed to be Mary Magdeline in the painting was actually Saint John, as painted in another stand alone portrait, Dan Brown's still working on that one guys).

We're talking a conspiracy so big, that the only explanation is that the Twin Towers were shot with the same surface-to-air missile that took down TWA Flight 800, but it was so important a shot it was taken from the Grassy Knoll itself. Of course, these surface-to-air missiles were also crafted along with a series of demolitions and TNT in the same warehouse that was once used as a studio to film the moon landing, and a number of air planes were staffed by the C.I.A. to make it appear as though they were being hijacked. Most likely the planes got landed in Colorado, and the passengers are now working in secret government organizations, where a number of them have had to be hit to maintain the secret behind 9/11.

Those places were replaced by crack C.I.A. suicide drones, where several fanatical agents flew into the buildings, giving up their lives for their glorious leader, George W. Bush. As the world watched, teary-eyed as the Twin Towers burned, they finally began to crumble, because more ultra secret C.I.A. agents pushed the button that set off the invisible demolitions that an entire office building had failed to notice, thus sending the entire building into a plummeting inferno.

Most of this, of course, is from the testimony of a janitor named William Rodriguez, that has utilized his unique position as "bearer of the Master Key" (i.e., he had access to all the bathrooms that needed plunging) and whatever else can be dug from the minds of those who believe that the world is being controlled behind the scenes by the Illuminati/New World Order. This New World Order (shortened to NWO) often manifests itself in a number of ways, usually involving globalization and the formation of unions or organizations that either don't exist, or have inflated sense of value.

To those who believe in 9/11 Conspiracy Theories and New World Order paranoia, the films National Treasure and Capricorn One are like informational documentaries that give a look into just how the world works. Meanwhile The X-Files operate on a frequency upon which they can understand: the truth must be out there, what you hear is false by nature that it comes from the ultra-fallible source in "The Government". The collective Dale Gribbles of the world are able to flock together in an orgy of conspiracy theory mania over 9/11, because no matter how badly their theories contradict one another, they are forever bound in a brotherhood of angst against "Them", added to the fire by the angst generated for Dick Cheney.

I wish the opening statements were entirely false - but unfortunately they're a little bit of everything that they believe, ranging from simple explosives planted in the towers to intricate layers of plots and conspiracies in a cloak-and-dagger story that would make Sherlock Holmes scream out in terror at its magnitude.

Let me be the first to say, while all the while decrying the utter absurdity of these myths, that I wish they were all true. Yes, you heard me, I wish that Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were responsible for the worst attack on American soil. I wish the President had killed 3,000 Americans and thrown the world upside down.

That would make me sleep easier at night, it truly would. Because then there wouldn't be a culture in the Middle East that danced on the tops of cars at the idea of dead Americans, there wouldn't be a violent maniacal sect of wahabists who devote themselves to the annihilation of the United States. There wouldn't be an entire region of people itching to wipe the Jews out, there wouldn't be a global threat of Islamic terror.

The world would actually be a safer place if the thriller novel written by the conspiracy theorists was right. Of course it'd also be much more interesting - which is part of the reason that they feel the need to project these delusions onto people. Those that propagate these theories are usually those sad and lonely types whose greatest adventure in life involved a time when a smelly, old man asked for a ride and they managed to muster up the courage to tell the person no. Therefore, by living this fantasy, they are, with little more than a PC or laptop, are unraveling a vast government conspiracy.

Congratulations on that.

Because it's certainly not the people who admitted to it, it certainly wasn't the planes we saw ram into the buildings, it certainly wasn't the Arabic speakers we heard over the black boxes or the FAA heard talking in the cockpit. It certainly wasn't the terrorists responsible for nearly 10,000 attacks since 9/11 across the globe. It certainly wasn't the people with a recorded animosity towards the Twin Towers who have launched attacks on it before.

Because, as V for Vendetta taught us, it's never the guy that's convicted, it's the evil conservative leader.

It truly would be great if Ron Paul and company were right, and the only thing we had to worry about was a government cover up - and not an international jihad movement.

Too bad.