Why Your Woman Left You: How to Prevent Divorce in the Modern World

The divorce rate in America is at an all-time high. What can a man do to keep a woman happy? These four things have been scientifically proven^* to be the keys to a successful relationship. This is not comprehensive, only a starting point. Why did she leave your sorry ass for the pool boy? Here is why.

You didn't listen
Women talk all the damn time, fellows. This is not new. After a few years, the male ears undergo a physiological change which turns the siren's song of their bride into white noise for which we compensate by turning up the TV volume. Unfortunately, once every 6 to 8 months, she says something important. It us usually about her mom or what she want's for her birthday, but guys, we missed it because the game was in overtime.

Overtime is when this fatal mistake always occurs. Women have the uncanny ability to know the exact moment our limited brains will be totally focused else where. The importance of her words are directly proportional to the importance of the game and the number of overtimes. Here's a chart:

1. College volleyball season opener, 1st overtime = the dog peed in the floor.
2. College basketball final four, 2nd overtime = the dog just died.
3. World series 14th inning = a diamond ring is what she wants for your anniversary.
4. Superbowl sudden death = her mom died, she's leaving and taking the kids.

Let us err on the side of caution, gentlemen. Only watch soccer. Nothing exciting ever happens. There is plenty of time to really listen to your partner while Beckham is dribbling. Even in overtime, this is still just soccer. You can be assured the fate of world sports does not hang in the balance.

You're too damn sensitive
Heterosexual women like men. Look up the definition of heterosexual, if you don't believe me. They like men to be men. Not stereotypical brutes. Not redneck, bitch-slapping pimps. Not effeminate metrosexuals. Women want men to be the full spectrum that is a man. If you don't know what that means, check the luggage. It's probably already packed with half her clothes in anticipation of the inevitable.

A woman needs her partner to be everything a man can be. This isn't easy fellows, but women don't care about how hard we work to pull this off. They only want results. Knowing when it is appropriate to cry, when they just want to cuddle, or when they want raw hot, monkey sex, is worth the effort. If you haven't figured out when a fart makes her laugh versus disgusts her to the point of retching, put your lawyer on speed-dial.

If you got stuck in "let's just cuddle all the time, Pookie" mode, she left you when she discovered you are a woman, trapped in a man's body and she isn't a lesbian. Even if she is, she isn't going to wait for you to have the operation. That would be redundant since your testicles withered and fell off years ago.

You're a Mama's boy
Women hate competition. They do want to know that you care enough about family obligations that you will be there for dear old mom when her house burns down, but they can't stand you calling mom three times a day to discuss your bowel movements. If anything other than your woman appears to be the most important thing in your life, sleep with one eye open.

While we're on the topic of competition, get rid of your porn fellows. The first couple of times she turns a blind eye. The next time she watches it with you and you try something new. The day she finds out you have a stash of 300 porn DVDs she never knew about is the day she figures out she's not the most important woman in your life. You and Lefty have been, and will remain, your only sexual outlet for a long, long time.

Only your chiropractor knows
Your woman left you when your latest x-rays revealed you have no spine. Make a decision every now-and-again. Discussion and compromise are the foundation of any good relationship, but don't be afraid to make a decision and stand by it. Even if it turns out to be the wrong decision, you can probably get some laughs out of it in your golden years. "Remember that Motel 6 we stayed at in Branson, honey? Boy, was that a hoot." Plus you have a really cool story about how you got that scar fighting with bikers at the vending machine.

Don't be an overbearing jerk, but know when she is tired of balancing the check book and wants you to take over for a while. There are a hundred old jokes about women who think it's cute when they let men make a decision. The truth is, she needs a break from running the show and really appreciates you stepping up to the plate.

Summary
1. Listen.
2. Grow a pair.
3. Treat her like the queen she is.
4. Get a spine.

Following these simple suggestions isn't the key to happiness. This advice is only offered so you can keep your stuff, see your kids more than twice a month, and not make a blood-sucking lawyer wealthy. Besides, you really love your truck and she'd take it just to give it to her new, 23-year-old boyfriend. Then you'd see him on the freeway one day, decide he didn't deserve it, ram him with your Geo Metro, and end up riding the bus to the doctor's office to have your 14 broken bones mended. You see where all this is leading, right?

^*The Barefoot Human Behavior and Scatological Research Group (Interpersonal Relationships and Gummy Bears Division) LLC, One Thousand Successful Marriages and One Utter Failure, 2nd ed.